Mara: Mara is the most unique person, and i don't know how else to describe her. She is also one of my best friends. I met her freshman year and love her to pieces. She is small, adorable,but fiesty. She is a ton of fun to be around and will refuse to let you get bored. She's super smart and super funny, and wont back down. She plays soccer like me, and better try out for the team next year.
And so it all began…
When Superman (Big Larry Tucker) and the guidance counselor (Hollee) received their calling to produce a long and prosperous family line. They sent this message also to Mr. Kehoe and Ms. Hickey the librarian (Jeremiah’s aunt), thus marking the beginning of two great family lines which would eventually unite, illegally, but fulfill all the prophecies.
Larry and Hollee first bore a son and they named him Dennis. Thus marking Dennis as the oldest of the time of the prophecies. Following this, the Super family produced a long line of boys. Colin was the second born and Colin the third. What can I say, they liked the name Colin. From here on let Colin the second be referred to as Ofers and Colin the third as Colin Quinn. Then were born the lesser-known brothers Mike and Joe. Mike is a very sneaky sort and Joe lives in a bubble. The sixth child was Jeff. He was a very finicky baby, but when he grew up, most people liked him – especially Dennis, but that’s a story for later…
Meanwhile, Mr. Kehoe was getting to work with the librarian, Ms. Hickey (Jeremiah’s Aunt). The Super Family was blessed with boys and so the Messenger of Families figured it was only fair that the Happy History Team overflow with girls. The first to be born was Mara. Now Mara had a problem with biting people, but Mr. Kehoe and Ms. Hickey (Jeremiah’s Aunt) soon ran into bigger problems. The messenger of Fertility fell asleep and did not bring the Happy History Team any children for twenty years. When the angel awoke, Laura was born. Laura was a very quiet baby and Ms. Hickey feared she would never save the few moments when she managed to kill the joke, but Mr. Kehoe had faith in his young Happy History Team. Pretty soon their youngest daughter, Stacy, was born. (Stacy was born twenty-one years after Mara, thus marking the age of drinking.) It was Stacy’s duty to fulfill the legend of the trio. She had three children; Mike, Dave and Roman. It is unknown who the father was (though it’s rumored to be the High Messenger Kevin Hurley) or how old she was when she had them. In order to bring the Super Happy History prophecy to fruition, it is of the utmost importance that Stacy remain the youngest of everyone (with the exception of John, but that’s a story to be saved for later).
So the years passed and all the members of the family matured…well maybe not matured but they all did grow. The Messenger of Fate decided that if ever he was to fulfill the Grand Prophecy, it was time to meet with the Messenger of Destiny and set things into action. So that summer the Super boys met a group of half-witted girls and their amazing friend. The half-wits shared a brain. They couldn’t help their condition, but after a while it did try on all the Super boys’ nerves. Their friend, on the other hand, was what you “Super Quality”. Her name was Emily and aside from the fact that her best friend was frozen at seven, she could possibly be a Super boy herself. Well, maybe not boy, she was too cute, but was definitely worthy of marrying into the family. In fact, she was adopted as a sister by Dennis. Before we tell the tale of Emily though, let’s explain Jeff and Dennis.
No one knows exactly where, when or how (but like with Stacy there are rumors) this happened, but Dennis and Jeff bore a child they named John. John is a four-year-old who is known to the world as one of the smartest boys alive, but Little John was in fact one of the smartest girls alive. There are few who know this, however, and it is only discussed in private so to avoid confusion.
Confusion is a big deal in the world of the Super Family and the Happy History Team. It plays a major role in their destiny. Remember this.
Well, the Messenger of Fate and the Messenger of Destiny had a meeting to discuss how to unite these two families…illegally. Before every major step, though, there was a series of little tasks to be accomplished. Disasters if you will.
The first disaster we will speak of is Delia. Now Delia was another friend of the half-wits who is actually quite intelligent. It is a universal mystery as to how she came to fall for Joe, also known as Bubble Boy. Since the two of them are off in their own Fantasy Bubble world, they are not active members of the family, but all have accepted this and in fact it takes Bubble Boy out of Dennis’ and Jeff’s hair so they could concentrate on more important things like their long-term goal to take over the world.
The second disaster was Ofers and Emily. I said we would get back to Emily and here we are. Emily’s a combination of humor, plotting, beauty and stupidity. (Keep in mind she once told Dennis that with her stupidity and his planning they could accomplish anything.) Emily immediately became the tie that bound the Super boys and the half-wits. Emily also fell for the perfect one. Colin Quinn has not been mentioned much yet, but he is referred to as the perfect son. He ran, he studied, he could do no wrong. How? I don’t know, I don’t make these decisions. It was not a bad thing that Emily fell for Colin Quinn, she was perfect herself, but there were a few obstacles in the path to happiness. These obstacles began with Lindsey. Now Colin was perfect…with one minor flaw. He was a boy. Boys have this problem where they think they know what’s best, but they are almost always wrong. Now Lindsey could be an extremely nice girl, but she was one of the girls who had the misfortune of sharing a brain. Why? I don’t know, I don’t make these decisions. Anyway, Colin Quinn thought Lindsey was the girl for him, but she wasn’t ready for this brand of perfection. It took an epiphany and a trip to Florida, but Colin Quinn eventually realized he could not be with a girl who shared. Don’t go doing a jig yet though. As much as Emily knew Colin Quinn was the one for her – Colin Quinn was still a guy and had not realized his love for Emily. So Emily became frustrated and confused... very confused (I told you- confusion plays a HUGE a role); so confused that she had a VERY brief fling with Ofers. You might say she substituted one Colin for the other. But like John’s gender, this is a subject best left unmentioned. On July 24th, Colin Quinn came to his senses and asked Emily to be his. Now Emily, being a Capron and therefore perfect, said yes. They have been together since and are predicted to be together forever.
The third disaster is not so much a disaster but a happening. Mike and Maggie decided to go out. So yet another member of the Super boys finds happiness. This leaves only Dennis, Jeff and Ofers to find theirs. We’ll get back to that.
While a series of disasters occurs with the Super Family, a succession of crises happened in the Happy History Team. Unfortunately, many of these happened to Stacy. In fact, if they hadn’t, we wouldn’t have this story.
The first crisis was between Stacy and Mike. Mike and Stacy had a close friendship, so close that they thought it could be more. Unfortunately, one kiss dislodged Stacy of that notion and convinced Mike of it. And so Stacy broke Mike’s heart. Of course, Stacy being a girl, her fatal flaw would be the ability to crush guys.
Feeling extremely guilty over what she had done to Mike, Stacy told all her problems to her other really good friend Bret – and so began the second crisis. Bret and Stacy went to Summer School and became better friends. Stacy went completely oblivious to Bret’s intentions of dating her, but when he finally made his move, Stacy blindly fell for him. Well this bungle was over almost as quickly as it started. Bret managed to make Stacy miserable and this led to the third crisis.
With one week to Homecoming, Stacy still did not have a date and neither did Mara. The Happy History Team was a tight family and unfortunately, all male members had an aversion to dances. Mara and Stacy were left lost on what to do and Laura was not helping. Laura was involved in a minor mishap (she was dating Stacy’s extraterrestrial ex-boyfriend) and had absolutely no ideas (it’s believed the alien zapped her with a laser – let’s not talk about it). Just when Stacy thought she’d have to return her dress and Mara was ready to buy some massive amounts of Ben and Jerry’s, the Messenger of Fate called upon the Messenger of Thought for a little help. It was a Sunday evening in the Capron home when Emily decided that nothing would do but for Stacy to go with John. Brilliant, minus the fact that Stacy had said most likely five words (at most) to this boy (girl). Stacy could deal with many things but this was sounding crazy. She remedied it by suggesting something crazier. She and Emily hatched a hair-brained scheme to bring fourteen people to St. Ignatius’s Homecoming. Mr. Kehoe would have been proud.
The night arrived and went as planned. Some strange things occurred at this dance. Emily had a little sister named Nora – referred to as Little Capron. Nora had been Stacy’s friend for…forever and was dating Dan (the Red Hawk). It was on this fateful night that Little Capron realized there could be no more Red Hawk. She couldn’t continue to date him, but now was not the time to break his heart. Laura also began to come to the conclusion that she preferred earthlings to aliens. But not all romance was lost; this dance was when Dennis and Stacy met. Neither had planned on meeting anyone, but if they had the Messenger of fate probably would have made sure they didn’t speak. The night was pure fun for all involved, but Stacy and Dennis did not give much thought to each other (Stacy was not a big fan of wishful thinking and Dennis was too busy dropping his pants with John) until the next Emily informed Stacy that Stacy and Dennis were meant to happen. The Capron’s were nuts so Stacy paid little attention until one night a phone was shoved into her face and before she knew it, she was going to Marist’s Homecoming with the oldest of the Super boys.
As Laura, Nora, and Emily busied themselves with fussing over Stacy and Dennis, a new guy entered the scene.
Justin was left on the doorstep of Mike’s house. The Happy History Team accepted all and so Justin was quickly trusted. Now Mara, though a grandmother, was drawn to this abandoned boy. The night before Marist Homecoming, Justin and Mara became a couple so to speak. (Yes, Mara was drunk.)
The Messenger of Destiny wanted all to be completely sealed on October the sixteenth, but the Messenger of Fate reminded him there was much to be accomplished, but agreed something big would have to happen. So on this night, Stacy, member of the Happy History Team, met BLT and Holly. Larry and Holly knew from the first sight of her that all the prophecies would be fulfilled. They were ecstatic that their overworked son had found the beginnings of happiness, even if he may not know it.
As the next month passed much happened. One fateful night another crisis occurred, striking Laura. It was October thirtieth, a bad night for many. Laura and Mike were in the woods and had a fling briefer than that of Emily and Ofers (Yes, they were drunk). From then on, Laura was referred to as ‘the no longer virgin Laura’ by Lou and Nate (more on them later) and she bore a child named Little Mikey. He was promptly shipped to a boarding school to save him from the locker gnome.
Also, later this same night, the Messenger of Reason was nowhere to be found, so naïve Laura went to a party. Two things happened here. One was that Bret who had caused Stacy many misfortunes was rudely informed so by Laura. The Second thing was that the Super Family wanna-be, Brian, met Laura and tried to talk to her and keep her from swaying. (Yes, they were drunk.)
This night also disrupted Stacy’s life (which, let it be said, is never calm). One of the half-wits decided that Stacy was completely unwelcome into her family. Since she was not a biological or adopted member though, she was completely disregarded by all…all except Jeff. Unfortunately, poor Jeff fell head over heels for this half-wit and caused much disruption and induced a major headache on the Messengers of Fate and Destiny.
Let us talk about Jeff. Jeff set his heart on Susie and was determined to get her. Susie is a troubled girl who has the misfortune of never getting past seventh grade. Susie could not possibly have a relationship with Jeff. She would never be able to deal with a husband who: 1) had an affair with Dennis, 2) bore a child whom she dated, and 3) would one day take over the world with his ex-lover (Dennis). And so Jeff would eventually be left with a broken heart. Please note that the second point is talked about less than John’s gender. Let it be said that it was a horrible mistake.
While Jeff’s disaster took place, Dennis and Stacy made things official. According to the all-knowing Nora, it took a long time because Dennis is forty and Stacy is eleven (let it be known that their ages were determined by the almighty Mr. Capron and are therefore exact). The almighty Mr. Capron is the only one that brings up their age difference. (It is a subject best left in the closet along with John’s gender, Emily and Ofers, Laura and Mike, John and Susie, all of Stacy’s misfortunes with men, and the Justin incident.) So now the bridge to unity has been built with the foundation of Dennis and Stacy. Now we will continue with all that was forgotten and all yet to come.
The Justin incident…
The Justin incident occurred at a party that was thrown by a friend of the Happy History Team in which Stacy decided to bring Dennis. Here Justin made a series of atrociously stupid comments and a bottle at Dennis (Yes, he was drunk). At this same party, Mike and the seemingly normal Melissa began going out and also so did Laura and Brian the Super Family wanna-be. (Two days later Brian and Laura broke up and two weeks later Mike and Melissa did also, but this will be saved for later.)
The Tale of the Trio…
I told you that Stacy had three children. Mike was the oldest and a troubled boy. He frequently came across a problem and felt the only way to solve it was by way of the bottle. Mike’s life was passed mostly in a drunken, nicotine filled haze. Maybe this can account for the Melissa incident. He asked Melissa out and for one weekend all that glittered was gold. Then the shrew came out. Melissa heartlessly stood him up time after time (it was later discovered that the seemingly normal Melissa was actually pure evil). The happiness that Mike thought he had found eluded him once again. Mike then sought comfort in DePaulo, the bear (waka waka waka). The two married (Mike wore the dress) and Mike was briefly happy once again. It all ended when DePaulo took nine hours to get home and slept in a car. Mike is now hiding underground from the blonde barracuda (also known as Jessica).
David was the second born and always called Dave. Dace’s cruel fate was to bat for neither team. Dave had a million friends, but would never be anything more. Dave confused many people. There was a period of time when everyone thought Dave was livin’ la vida homo. Even Dave thought he was in love with the Physical education teacher Mr. Maloney. The flirtatious banter was empty though and Dave was sentenced to an asexual life of eating Jell-O.
Roman was the youngest and not actually born to Stacy. Stacy found him floating down the Chicago River in a bag of chips. She took pity on this crack baby and took him home to raise him on a diet of chocolate chip cookies and lemon iced tea. Stacy worried over her youngest because he had a long list of fagotish tendencies. The more she hoped he’d start acting like a guy, the more he did things like burst into “I will Survive”. He is rumored to have once liked a girl but will never speak of it. So Stacy is left worrying about her sons – the homosexual, the asexual, and the transvestite.
The Legend of Little Capron…
Nora Kathleen Cecilia Capron was the second daughter of the almighty Mr. Capron. Her goal and mission in life was to find her soul mate. Poor Nora though feels she is doomed wherever guys are concerned. Her first “mistake” was Chris Michon. You would think it would be all peachy with them, but Nora could not handle his emotional immaturity and his willingness to speak of his jockstrap. So Nora and Michon parted on…unfriendly terms. Nora searched until she found Dan. The opposite of Michon, he was an all-American Boy Scout and the Red Hawk on top of that. Everyone loved Dan, especially Jeff. Maybe it was Jeff’s love for Dan or maybe Nora couldn’t take the goody-goody Boy Scout crap anymore, but after three months, Dan was canned. Nora liked being single for a while, until she met Brian. Brian was amazing; he charmed Little Capron immediately. Maybe it was the clothes, maybe it was the eyes, but he and Nora had three weeks together before his split personality shone through and Little Capron did not like what she saw.
So Little Capron will roam the state of Illinois and beyond trying to find the epitome of a boyfriend. Until then though, she is destined to date unworthy guys (after all, there’s only ONE worthy one).
Interview of a Vampire (Mara’s Story)…
Mara found bliss with Justin. One weekend they had a wonderful time, but Mara’s biting problem came back. Justin returned to the halls of Ignatius sporting bites and bruises all over his neck. All wondered what could be the problem. Then Roman and Mike found all the answers in a book. In The Vampire Encyclopedia, upon looking up Mara’s name, they found that the Vampire Mara sucked the blood of the one she loved. This shed light onto everyone and Ms. Hickey (Jeremiah’s Aunt) was so happy she knew what was wrong with her oldest daughter. Mike eagerly brought the news to Mr. Kehoe, “Mr. Kehoe, sir, Gramma is a vampire, doesn’t that explain a lot? Now Justin is one too and will officially be part of the Happy History Team.” (Yes, they were drunk.) For reference, since there is a over twenty year gap between Mara and Stacy, Stacy’s children will forever call Mara Gamma or Grams when she wears GREEN!
The LoVallo Family…
After Mara and Justin finally came together in a family of happiness and unity (that could only go out at night), they came upon a crisis. It was discovereded that Mara and Justin could not have children. No one knew exactly why, but this did cause much anxiety on the Messengers of Fate and Destiny. That is, until they came up with the plan to grant Mara the word to allow her to have children and continue the family line. So the Messengers of Fate and Destiny sent the Messenger of Fertility in the form of a poor english speaking librarian to grant this word to Mara. And so the Messenger of Fertility, in disguise, granted Mara the word "WABOOSH" which offered her a solution to all her problems.
Get your own Free Home Page