Lisbon 29/4/93

The result looks stark, a thrashing for the Scots and with it a quick exit from the World Cup. But this is only part of the story. For while the Scottish team produced one of the more woeful displays in its chequered history, their fans more than compensated for it with an exhilarating not to mention flamboyant display of antics the likes of which have not been seen in Lisbon since Magellan encircled the globe. Not for these Scots the doleful post-mortems of the past or the violence which has been a feature of European soccer in recent years. No indeed, for this is a new breed of Scot willing to take as well as to give. Oh yes, they did have a few beers with which they cheerfully sprayed those around them, "high-tech cleansing", high jinks, nothing serious.

No, what distinguishes these Scots is that on a night of shame for their team they showed that they could still carry themselves with pride by showing the world (and the hapless Portuguese) that they had nothing to hide about nor anything to hide. And so it came to pass that on a warm night in Lisbon these white and pale sons of Scotland, supporters of Rangers, Celtic, Aberdeen, Hamilton Acies, Airdrieonians and Partick Thistle, took off their clothes and revealed what all the world suspected that there really is life behind the sporran. No more talk of nether made of heather this was the real thing! Now Portugal is a quiet country but one nevertheless in which strange peoples and sights have been seen. They were however, unprepared for this Scottish-fest. Apparently it took the police time to react. By the time they did the fair ones from the North were already on their way, traipsing through the stadium, then running like proverbial jack-rabbits out into the streets beyond. At last count the police had intercepted 40, but hundreds, nay perhaps thousands were thought to be still on the loose this morning. Rumours abound. Hundreds of Biancos,as the Portuguese call them, were said to be heading for the beaches north of Lisbon; still others were seen heading for the hills to the east of the city. Will they no come back again? Who knows. A reporter came upon one of the exposed in a cobbled side street early this morning. He had a purple and yellow Mohican hair cut and was holding on to his own cobblers. He looked a bit sheepish. He asked the way to the airport and when told he just took off. I have visions of him checking in for the return flight to Scotland. Earlier this morning six naked fans were seen shadowing two nuns as they made their way to church, presumably to find refuge there. Others have sought consolation in the only place in Lisbon with a Scottish ring to it - McDonalds. Most have vanished without trace.

The happenings here in Lisbon have been widely reported. The Times of London referred to them as a "Highland fling", while the Mirror shows a front page photograph of several bare fans beneath the headline "Butt-a-Scotch". Local Lisbon papers have been united in their comments. El Castrato in an editorial is unable to find any link between the events on and off the field of play and attributes the incident to the unusually warm temperature in the stadium. Die Stern, Germany's leading conservative paper headed the incident "Furchenaufel Bareass Kilternhommen" again with photographs. However, the French sporting paper Le Pric was more philosophical "L'Equipe Ecosse - Oomph! Mais Les Fans - AAH!!" Even as far away as San Francisco the Herald Tribune carries a picture of five naked Scottish backsides under the headline "WOW!" United Air Lines report a sudden increase in its bookings on the San Francisco - Glasgow route. The Vatican had no comment to make but Osservatore Romano reports that Pope John Paul II is going on retreat next Thursday, one week earlier than expected. Jack Charlton, manager of the Republic of Ireland soccer team commented "its just a bit of fun, let the lads enjoy themselves, that's what football's all about". Not everyone shares that view. Speaking in the House of Lords, the Earl of Kircaldie, Sir James Blackhead, said that the name of Scotland had been dragged through the mud in Lisbon and those responsible should be birched. Lord Brannock of Inverness disagreed - as far as he was aware there was absolutely no mud in Lisbon.

An in-depth analysis of the event was presented on the BBC programme Home and away. Population psychologist at Edinburgh University, Professor Evelyn Tweedie said that this was not an isolated event. Scots had always wanted to expose themselves to the world. This they had done mostly through writers such as Robert Louis Stevenson who dreamt and wrote of far off sunny places such as Treasure Island, and Alexander Selkirk whose dreams of living free of constraint on a tropical island inspired the immortal Robinson Crusoe. "So" Professor Tweedie concluded, "deep down the Scots like everyone else were quite superficial people who liked once in a while to let it all hang out". And then Professor Tweedie her voice rising, "there is Rod Stewart ....." (at this point in the proceedings Professor Tweedie swooned and had to be carried outside).

Professor David Campbell-Lamerton, a paleontologist and historian at Aberdeen University, went further "Scots" he observed, "have lived in a beautiful country blessed with one of the worst climates on earth". "This" he said had left them in a continuous state of anticipation that one fine day, there would in fact be, one fine day." He went on to say that the nature of the terrain had divided Scots and like it or not the clan system was deeply ingrained, only today the clans were Rangers, Celtic, Aberdeen and the rest. How could one ever win a football game with such intrinsic disunity in the side. The result in Lisbon was in his opinion a repetition of Bannockburn and Glencoe.

Kenneth McLeon, Professor of Philosophy, Politics, Religion and Sheepshearing at Dundee University and aspiring member of the EC Parliament said that the clouds that hung over Scotland today-were not simply vaporous but deeply rooted in the Scottish psyche. Hundreds of years of dour Calvinism had left its mark with the result that Scots felt a deep sense of guilt if they succeeded at the expense of others and were themselves happiest when they were most miserable i.e. in defeat. Scots had been trying to shed Calvinism for years, he said. The kilt was an attempt by individual Scots to return to a pre-Calvinistic era and to break free of such formal dress codes as denim jackets, jeans and T-shirts, and to let some fresh air breeze through the system. But there was hope. The mass degarmenting of Scots in Lisbon was an encouraging sign. These youngsters were prepared to show all and given the opportunity to give their all as well. The heavy cloud of Calvinism had dissipated in one truly historic moment and he for one was glad it had. He himself had high hopes for the future and he felt sure that such openly expressed views would be good for the European Community.

Chairing the discussion Mr. William Reid-Smog thanked the speakers for their contributions, told them that in his view they had been talking a lot of shit and ended with the aphorism of Robert Burns

"O would some power the gift tae gie us

To see ourselves as others see us"

Lisbon is quiet this morning. The sun is shining down here beside the Athletico Stadium. The flags and bunting are being swept away and the city is returning to normal. Hanging on an iron railing here beside me is a discarded T-shirt - on the front printed in navy-blue 'Scotland' and on the back in green 'Celtic'. On the ground a few yards away are two pieces of cardboard. One says 'UP YOURS PORTUGAL' and the other 'WE'LL BE BACK'. No doubt they will.