One Liners --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? He who laughs last thinks slowest! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Assassins do it from behind. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. All generalizations are false, including this one. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net. I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts! Half of the people in the world are below average. Life in a vacuum sucks. What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts? A spatula. The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better. When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 668: The Neighbor of the Beast Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. C code. C code run. Run, code, run! On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese proverb Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon. Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them. When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved. I choose not to limit myself. I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two out of three in a pinch. On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote `Trust Jesus', and someone else wrote `But Cut the Cards'. Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck.. It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus! Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual! Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes. Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. Of all the people I know, you're one of them. We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement. Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. Jesus saves - Gretzky scores on the rebound Don't overtax yourself.. it's the gov't's job Dyslexics have more fnu. This line will self-destruct in 5 seconds. !ereh ni kcuts m'I !pleH !pleH Evangelists do more than lay people. Use tact........you fathead! Women! You can't live with them.....can't deep fry 'em. I thank my lucky stars I'm not superstitious. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.