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These Are Jokes. If they offend you, go cry about it. Tyrone is in 7th grade, and he goes to the bathroom to take a piss. And as he's pissing, a little white classmate walks in and starts using the urinal next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees his classmate's penis and realizes that it's reallly small compared to his own. Then this other white classmate comes in and uses the urinal on his right. Tyrone looks over to the right and realizes that kid's dick is really small compared to his own as well. After school, he goes home and says, "Mama, I was peeing and saw two of my classmate's penises and mine is a lot bigger. Why is that Mama, is it because I'm black?" His mom replies, "No Tyrone, it's because youre 23." A guy walks in to a bar and sees a huge fishbowl full of 5 dollar bills sitting on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, "Well we're having a contest. The first person to finish three tasks gets the money." The man asks, "What are the 3 tasks?" "You see that big 300 pound bouncer down at the end of the bar?" "Yeah" "Well you gotta knock him out in one punch." The guy's like "Fuck that dude... he'd beat the shit out of me!" Out of curiousity he asks about task #2. "There's a vicious rottweiler out back with a loose tooth. You gotta reach in his mouth and take out the tooth." "Ah fuck THAT man, the dog would rip me to shreds!" Still, he inquires about the third task. "There's a 100 year old lady upstairs. You have to fuck her like nobody's ever fucked her before." Disgusted, the guy shudders and sits down and orders some drinks. After several tequila shots, the guy is pretty wasted... and all of the sudden jumps up, staggers over to the bouncer, and WHAP knocks his ass out in one punch. "Fuck, I can do this!" he thinks to himself. He goes outside to the dog, and all you can hear is the guy screaming and the dog barking. After about 5 minutes, his drunk ass comes back in, all bloodied up and goes, "So... where's this old lady with the loose tooth?" Guy walks into a doctor's office complaining about stomach pains. The Doc checks him up for a little bit, and goes, "You have a stomach condition... nothing serious; you just have to insert one of these suppositories into your rectum every 6 hours. I'll help you insert the first one, and I'd suggest you always have someone help you to get it to the proper depth." The guy figures it sounded easy enough. He drops his pants, bends over, and the Doc starts putting the suppository in his rectum. At first it hurt a little bit but finally it gently glided in. As he drove home, the guy realized that his stomach pain is already going away. "Damn, this shit's pretty effective!" He gets home and relaxes for a while. About 6 hours later, his stomach starts hurting again, so he takes a suppository and goes into the bathroom. He doesn't want to ask his wife to help because it'd be embarassing, but after trying to insert it for 10 minutes, he still can't get it deep enough and calls for her. She comes in, and she agrees to help. So the guy bends over, and his wife put one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing the suppository in with the other. At the moment of insertion, the guy screams "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!!!" "Oh my god, did i hurt you???" his wife asked in horror. "No. But I just realized the doctor put BOTH his hands on my shoulders!" How can you tell if a guy is a fag? He gets a boner when you're fucking him in the ass. A recently recruited lumberjack was bemoaning the lack of female companionship at his new outpost in the North Woods. He asked the foreman what the other men do. The foreman replied, "Up on the hill behind that shed is a barrel with a knothole in its side. Most of the guys use that." The lumberjack said he could never do that and walked away. But, after a few more lonely weeks, he changed his mind, and late one night, headed up the hill. There, behind the shed, he found the barrel and tried the knothole. To his surprise, he found it quite pleasant, in fact, very enjoyable. Over breakfast the next morning, he remarked to the foreman, "Say, that barrel is truly amazing! Does this mean that any night I want to, I can just go behind the shed and use that barrel?" "Any night but Thursdays," the foreman replied. "Why not Thursdays?" asked the lumberjack. The foreman replied, "cause Thursday's your night in the barrel!" Liza was on a country drive with her boyfriend Ernie, when she realized she simply had to go to the bathroom. She kept waiting and waiting for a gas station to appear, but finally a rough bridge got the best of her. She screamed, "Stop the car, Ernie!" He did, she scrambled out of the car in the middle of the bridge, ran to the railing, hiked her skirt, and stuck her rather large rear-end over the railing, just in the nick of time! Heaving a sigh of relief as she finished, she glaned down, let out a shriek, and ran back to the car in embarrassment. "What's wrong, Liza?" asked Ernie. "Oh, Ernie, I'm so ashamed! In my dire need, I forgot to check the creek below the bridge. Ernie, I just urinated into a canoe!" At which Ernie looked at her and smiled, "Dammit, Liza! Don'cha know yur own reflection?!" Ernie had too much to drink and decided to go sleep it off in his car, leaving Liza all alone at the bar. A big dude walked by her, looked her over and said, "Ooh, Liza! You've got the prettiest knees I've ever seen! I'd just love to rub those for you!" She ignored this impudent remark, and continued to drink. A little later, she a little drunker, and her skirt has slipped a little higher. The same dude walked by again, and said, "Ooooh, Liza! You've got the prettiest thighs I've ever seen! I'd just love to cover those with oil and rub it all in for you!!" She also ignored this remark, and continued drinking. A little later, she was a lot drunker, and her skirt had slipped a lot higher. The same dude walked by again, and said, "Ooooooh, Liza! Why, that's the prettiest pussy I've ever seen!! I'd like to fill that up with ice cream, and eat it all out!!" She'd had enough! She hopped off the stool, stomped from the bar, raced to the car, and woke Ernie. "Ernie, you good for nothing, I want you to go in that bar and defend my honor!" Ernie grumbled, "What the devil are you talking about, woman?" She says, "Why, this big dude came walking by and said I have the prettiest knees he's ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest thighs he's ever seen, and then he said I have the prettiest pussy he's ever seen, and he wants to fill it with ice cream, and eat it all out!! Now, you get in there and defend my honor!!" Ernie just rolled over, closed his eyes, and said, "Get in the car, Liza!" "What do you mean, 'Get in the car!'? I want you to go in there and defend my honor!" "Get in the car, Liza! Nobody can eat THAT much ice cream!" The Lone Ranger was captured by outlaws, tried by their kangaroo court, and sentenced to die at dawn the following day. His last wish was to say goodbye to his dear friend, Silver. That night, the outlaws granted his request, the Lone Ranger whispered in Silver's ear, slapped him, and the big horse ran off to freedom. At dawn, the Lone Ranger had the noose around his neck when he spotted Silver galloping over the hilltop with a beautiful, naked woman riding on his back!! The Lone Ranger shouted, "You idiot! I said POSSE!" A chinese guy walks into a bar and sees a black bartender. He goes up to him and is like "yo nigger, pour me a jigger." Black guy is like "what?? that's messed up man... how you like it if someone did that to you?" Chinese guy shrugs and is like "I wouldnt care." Black guy says "you know what? you take this apron, get behind the bar, and I'll do it to you." Chinese guy is like ok. Black guy gives him the apron, Chinese guy walks behind the bar, Black guy walks out the bar, and comes back in, and goes "yo chink, pour me a drink!" Chinese guy looks and him and replies, "Sorry, we don't serve niggers around here!"