Meet the likely lads of Melchester Rovers, a carefully pieced together squad blending strength, power, poise and natural ability. But remember, no one man is bigger than the club.
Defenders
Midfielders
Strikers
Former Fans' Favourites
Almost a Melchester Player
Defenders
Buster
The Prince of goalkeeping. Buster sometimes has a faraway look in his eye between the sticks as if he's working
out how he'd negotiate Amen corner on Masters weekend. Filling the breach after our previous goalkeeper Kevin swiftly
departed to join Greek club Panathinopolis, he's usually kept busy at the back and rarely lets the team down.
Rory
O'Brien Known to play the game with a smile on his face, Rory can slot in at many positions in the park.
His adaptability has often worked against him as he gets pushed into various positions limiting his chances of
making one of the shirts his own for keeps. Rory revels in a man-to-man marking job using skills he picked up as
a Grafton St pick pocket.
Paul
Breslin A cultured defender with a booming voice acquired when he learned to yodel at his Swiss finishing
school. Goes missing on Paul McGrath style "travels" from time to time but when he's in town he's one
of the first names down on the team sheet.
John
Anderson A no-nonsense defender cut from the same cloth as Tommy Smith, Andy can be distinguished on the
pitch as the one who periodically shouts BOLLOCKS loudly if one of his clearances doesn't make it to Row Z.
Marty
Wardick Horribly disfigured after putting his head in where it hurts for the Melchester cause, Marty is
still going strong at the heart of the defence. He's handy between the sticks too making him one of Melchester's
finest assets. Constantly linked with moves to foreign clubs, we're hoping he sticks around for a while.
Pete Murray
A raiding wing back in a throwback to a different era, Pete's forays could lead him anywhere on the park. A master
of the realms of channel and flank.
Conor Laffan
Well past his best and ravaged by years spent labouring in the lower leagues, El Maestro is still a regular on
the park giving tips to all the youngsters on the team. His erratic performances have fuelled rumours of some brown
bag transactions in greasy road side cafes. Known to have connections with some Malaysian betting cartels, he is
currently undergoing stress counselling in Thailand.
Figs
A fiercesome left foot makes Figs one of the most feared corner specialists in the game. He has been known to come
on just to unleash one of his in-swingers. Frustated by opposition taunts of "Who ate all the pies?",
Figs has got himself back in shape and looks like he's lining up for his best ever season in a Melchester shirt.
A Man
called Horse Horse invariably gets past the gain line and uses second phase possession intelligently. Learned
to play football as a kid by kicking an orange around which probably explains why he struggles to get to grip with
a full size ball!
Mick
Breslin Steadies the ship in the middle of the park. The boy's got a great engine. No one knows what is
the magic elixir that keeps Mick running but rumour has it that he gets his stamina from a strict diet of butter
and whiskey. When he's not playing, Mick likes the quiet life and can usually can be found in his Daly city allotment
tending to his prize winning parsnips.
Dennis
Murray Melchester's colour consultant was instrumental in changing the strip to the green and white hoops
that brought with it an upward swing of results. Dapper claimed that the new colours would bring a spring freshness
to our game coupled with an understated elegance and classic charm. We all laughed but it seems to have done the
trick. Dapper likes to drift in from deep positions to launch himself on a mazy run and has notched some of Melchester's
greatest goals. He is also a strong believer in the post match bender.
Darragh
Kennedy Usually given a free role to roam the park and stick in the boot when necessary, Daz was sorely
missed at the tail end of last season. Daz always had bigger dreams than all the other kids who were hoping for
the latest Subbuteo pitch and they came true when he constructed a full size pitch in his front room. Currently
working on a rock opera about the beautiful game, it could be a pile of wank but who's to say this man cannot make
it work.
Mark
Leonard The boy's got a great left peg but can't cross a ball to save his life. Despite his deficiencies,
he oozes class out on the park.
Richard
O'Connell Dazzled by the bright lights of Hollywood and weakened by the long list of charidee engagements
that is part and parcel of the movie business, Richard has been struck down by a catalogue of injuries. Maybe he's
just unlucky or maybe it's bacause he hails from Cork but he rarely gets through 90 minutes on the pitch. We have
yet to see the best of this starlet.
Ed
Malakoff A player called on in times of emergency before, Ed has now reached the big time with a full time
position in the Melchester squad. This all American player likes to sit in the middle of the park and pull the
strings and is hoping to fill the void left by the departure of his old pal, Conor White.
Karl Bishop
A refugee from the SF Celtics, Bish has been warmly received even though his slick, passing style does not blend
well with Melchester's more direct aerial tactics. When he signed, all the lads were excited that Bish was the
final piece in the jigsaw but then they realised that the complete picture looked like a big steaming dump! Bish
has an eye for the spectacular goal and even his own goals are a bit special. His detractors point out that he's
never far from trouble ruining Melchester's chance of winning the fair play award, our only genuine chance of silverware
this season.
Dave
Cunningham Once described by a casual observer as playing as if he was jet lagged, Dave puts himself about
selflessly up front striking fear into the hearts of opposing defenders when he's running at full lick. Apparently,
he scored a good goal once! Dave's dream is to get a pass from Zeki one day. Dave and Mr. Laffan are largely responsible
for setting up the team which is no small feat when it means scrounging up the cash and getting sponsorship. Fair
play to you lads!
Zeki
He only has one name so he has to be a good player. Enterpreneur, team sponsor and leading scorer. Zeki
pulls the pints and pops in the goals for Melchester bringing a bit of Turkish delight to the team. When he's not
working or playing, Zeki can be found down at Union Square performing as a one man band. What an entertainer!
Ado
Disillusioned with the game for a few years, he lurked on the sidelines as a spectator but now he's rediscovered
his love for the game and is rejoining the squad. We all know that he can talk a good game but we'll wait and see
whether he fulfills his undoubted potential on the park.
John
O'Riordan Found drifting down the River Lee in a basket wrapped in swaddling clothes, John was reared by
wolves which explains his combative nature on the pitch. He ran like an old granny but he always got in where it
hurts. John is now living in Manchester where he's a dancer with Black Grape.
Conor White The midfield general may have lost more battles than he won but he goes down as one of the Melchester
greats. Conor is now to be found outside his local in Putney, the Frog and Ferret, on a Saturday having running
battles with the Chelsea pensioners. What a waste of talent!
GIK
Give him a ball and a yard of grass. Added steel to either the centre of defence or midfield, GIK was undoubtedly
the classiest player on the park. Retired to Dublin where he's hoping to become a tired and cynical hack supping
pints down Baggot St. One of the gents of the game.
Gary
Smale Controversially appointed as Melchester's first foreign manager. Frustated by his attempts to turn
long ball specialists into a cohesive passing unit and unable to adapt to the demands of a modern coach probably
due to his continued support of Manchester City, The Gaffer moved upstairs to be the Director of Football where
he is free to talk about Christmas tree formations. Known for his outbursts at half-time claiming that the other
team were crap, he often failed to realise that maybe it was true but they weren't as crap as us.
Update:Being the funny old game that it is, the Gaffer reappeared at the beginning
of the season citing the fact that he missed the day to day involvement with the players on the training ground.
Anyway, he's firmly back at the helm and, after several fact finding forays to the San Siro, he is extolling the
virtues of the squad rotation system this season.
Marc
Rafferty Embittered by his failure to make the cut in Melchester's first trial, Sparky sloped off to join
Bay City Rovers, a rival team that puts more emphasis on the bottom line of results rather than entertaining the
fans like the cavalier players of Melchester. The rejection still hurts the man and he only recently emerged from
a 6 month bout of depression after being nursed back to health by playing in the indoor league in a Melchester
shirt. What can I say, you're either born a Melchester player or you're not!