Craigoleague 2008 - Super Bowl
Super Sharks!
Payback Time For Pinsky as Matthews Settles Old Score

Craigoleague Illustrated December 21, 2008

Somewhere James Hasty is smiling. Under the direction of Coach Matthews, the cornerback's perpetually mistimed diving tackles were a common sight when Matthews and Coach Pinsky were roommates years ago, invariably allowing Pinsky's wide receiver to race into the end zone. Those Madden battles would typically end in a P-Men rout, the only drama coming in each game was whether or not Pinsky would sit on 95 points or go for 100 (He always went for the 100). 

Flash forward to this past Sunday where Pinsky and Matthews met once again, in the Super Bowl. Dallas Clark got things rolling for the Sharks on Thursday. With his coach breathing down his neck in attendance, eventual Super Bowl MVP Clark posted his second straight 20 point game, putting the Sharks in good position for the win. The 2008 Sharks are all about the Romo to Owens connection, however, and on Saturday they had the stage to themselves. Facing a fearsome Ravens defense, however, Romo completed just 8 of 17 passes for 59 yards and 2 interceptions in the first half, however and the Sharks looked like they were dead in the water. Watching from the sidelines, Coach Pinsky started to wear the same giddy smile as when he would call a hail mary with a 90 point lead and less than 10 seconds to play against his old rival. This Sunday, however, was all about redemption.

With the Cowboys hopelessly behind, Romo was forced to throw early and often in the second half and tossed two fourth quarter touchdowns, one to Owens, to finish with a respectable 26 points. The Sharks were back in the game and the smile started to fade from Pinsky's face. When rookie running back Kevin Smith piled up 111 yards rushing and a touchdown while P-Men franchise player Adrian Peterson was held to just 12.6 points, Pinsky called the commissioner to tell him he had a bad feeling about the game. 

Drew Brees played at the MVP level he had established all year, throwing for 36 points, but the rest of the P-Men offense stalled, with not a single player other than Brees and Peterson scoring more than 7.5 points. In the end the results were eerily similar to last year for the P-Men: the 90 something to 80 something score, the big game from the quarterback, the lousy game from Peterson and the rest of the offense and the surrendering of a first Super Bowl title to one of the league's original franchises.

While admitting it was slightly embarrassing to have taken 14 years to win his first championship, Coach Matthews had the right combination of skill and luck to win the title. After a 4-2 start, the Sharks rode one of the easiest 10 game stretches in league history into the history books, becoming just the second team to fail to face a 100 point opponent during that stretch (See table below). Most of the teams on the list revealed themselves to be paper tigers in the playoffs, however, as only the 2003 Blacks were able to equal the Sharks ability to parlay their good fortune into a Super Bowl trophy. Matthews' number one Coach rating revealed showed he knew how to make the most of his opportunities. 

"Victory is mine, Puny-Men," boasted a cigar chomping Coach Matthews at a joint press conference after the game. "It has taken 15 years but I finally have my revenge for those Sega beatings. Dallas Clark was huge in the playoffs and Super Bowl and might be the first franchise TE while that Romo to Owens touchdown really supports the whole Shark strategy. " 

"It's very gratifying indeed to beat up on my old Highgate nemesis, made all the more sweet by his poor coaching decision on heels of big talk in last week's Craigoleague Illustrated."

The reference was to Pinsky's decision to bench LeRon McLain, who ended up scoring 25 points, enough to have won the game, in favor of Willie Parker (7.2 points).

"Not feeling very well, admitted Pinsky during the game. "I knew that once I did not play McClain, it would be bad karma. Worst output out of Peterson since week 5 and 2 pts out Johnson, c'mon. I have to hand it to the Sharks."

"Congrats dude, " said Pinsky to Matthews at the podium. "Your team was more consistent.  I was agonizing all week leading up to last Thursday for not playing McClain vs Dallas.  You can I say I have chosen poorly. We will be back next year. 

"All and all 2 Super Bowl appearances, I will take it. Hopefully the third time will be a charm. Now, OK - I would rather not talk about this game any longer, " concluded Pinsky. 

"Oh buddy, " Matthews responded, "We'll be talking about it all year."

 

Super Bowl Box Score
Actives	Stats	Total		Actives	Stats	Total
D. Brees QB	351 PaYd, 2 PaTD (6,3), -3 RuYd, 30 PaCmp, 3 RuAtt	36.15		T. Romo QB	252 PaYd, 2 PaTD (7,21), 2 PaInt, 2 RuYd, 24 PaCmp, 2 RuAtt	26
A. Peterson RB	76 RuYd, 16 ReYd, FL, 2 Recpt, 22 RuAtt	12.6		K. Smith RB	111 RuYd, RuTD (1), 24 RuAtt	21.9
T. Holt WR	55 ReYd, 4 Recpt	7.5		T. Owens WR	63 ReYd, ReTD (7), 5 Recpt	14.8
A. Johnson WR	19 ReYd, 2 Recpt	2.9		R. White WR	24 ReYd, 3 Recpt	3.9
C. Cooley TE	28 ReYd, 4 Recpt	4.8		D. Keller TE	2 ReYd, Recpt	0.7
W. Parker RB-WR-TE	29 RuYd, 2 ReYd, Recpt, 18 RuAtt	7.2		D. Clark RB-WR-TE	105 ReYd, ReTD (1), 8 Recpt	20.5
J. Elam K	FG (22), 3 XP	6		N. Folk K	FG (35), 3 XP	6
Bills DST	23 PA, Int, DFR, SACK	3		Steelers DST	31 PA, SACK	1
Total	351 PaYd, 2 PaTD (6,3), 102 RuYd, 120 ReYd, FL, FG (22), 3 XP, 30 PaCmp, 13 Recpt, 43 RuAtt	80.15		Total	252 PaYd, 2 PaTD (7,21), 2 PaInt, 113 RuYd, RuTD (1), 194 ReYd, 2 ReTD (1,7), FG (35), 3 XP, 24 PaCmp, 17 Recpt, 26 RuAtt	94.8
	23 PA, Int, DFR, SACK				31 PA, SACK
Reserves	Stats	Total		Reserves	Stats	Total
M. Ryan QB	134 PaYd, PaTD (8), 2 RuYd, 13 PaCmp, 3 RuAtt	16.1		C. Pennington QB	235 PaYd, 3 PaTD (11,14,14), PaInt, -2 RuYd, 26 PaCmp, 2 RuAtt	33.35
C. Taylor RB	3 RuYd, 26 ReYd, 5 Recpt, RuAtt	5.6		J. Charles RB	15 RuYd, 102 ReYd, 3 Recpt, 3 RuAtt	13.8
M. Muhammad WR	80 ReYd, 4 Recpt	10		M. Morris RB	116 RuYd, 29 RuAtt	17.4
B. Miller TE	38 ReYd, 4 Recpt	5.8		R. Williams RB	34 RuYd, RuTD (4), 50 ReYd, FL, 6 Recpt, 12 RuAtt	17.8
J. Lewis RB-WR-TE	76 RuYd, 16 RuAtt	10.8		A. Randle El WR	11 ReYd, Recpt	1.6
L. McClain RB-WR-TE	139 RuYd, RuTD (82), 4 ReYd, Recpt, 22 RuAtt	25.2		B. Stokley WR	32 ReYd, 3 Recpt	4.7
M. Moore RB-WR-TE	28 RuYd, 20 ReYd, 2 Recpt, 3 RuAtt	6.4		C. Johnson RB-WR-TE		0
K. Walter RB-WR-TE	13 RuYd, 17 ReYd, 2 Recpt, RuAtt	4.2		R. Bush RB		0
M. Pittman RB-WR-TE		0		R. Mendenhall RB		0
F. Taylor RB-WR-TE		0		Total	235 PaYd, 3 PaTD (11,14,14), PaInt, 163 RuYd, RuTD (4), 195 ReYd, FL, 26 PaCmp, 13 Recpt, 46 RuAtt	88.65
Total	134 PaYd, PaTD (8), 261 RuYd, RuTD (82), 185 ReYd, 13 PaCmp, 18 Recpt, 46 RuAtt	84.1

Craigoleague 2008 - Playoffs
Highgate Bowl, Part II
Former Roommates Matthews, Pinsky to Meet in Super Bowl
Blacks Win Stupor Bowl

Craigoleague Illustrated December 14, 2008

Peyton Manning tortured his former coach by outplaying Drew Brees 28 to 24 but the rest of the powerful Leoniums offense stalled in the crunch.

Coach Pinsky will now face off against former roommate Coach Matthews in the Super Bowl and favorable matchups have the P-Men installed as 14 point favorites in the game. 

It will be a rematch of sorts, for the Madden video game contests the two used to play at their old Highgate building residence. Those games inevitably ended up with Pinsky raucously laughing as his wide receiver raced past a missed tackle and into the endzone as his team challenged the 100 point mark.

"I am hungry for that 3rd title and want revenge for losing last year's Super Bowl, said Coach Pinsky. "I am going to carve the Sharks up for Sushi on Sunday night. I played highlights of the famous Highgate Sega Genesis bowl to get motivated along with the Sharks toast to Coach Hirth a few weeks ago. Just like at the Highgate, Coach Matthews is going to lose by 100 pts." 

Matthews responded, "We shall see, we shall see P (for puny?) - Man. I think the P-Men are getting a lot of momentum out of my prediction of a Leoniums/Sharks matchup; either way this is the year of the Shark. Other than that I have no comments - no it is just mano y mano." 

Clark finished with 12 receptions, 142 yards and a touchdown. He broke his single-season record for receptions by a tight end and set a career high with 684 yards, vaulting the Sharks into the lead going into Monday Night where the FKers needed a not unthinkable 42 points out of Donovan McNabb. McNabb played well, but could only get 29 points and the Sharks were on their way to the Super Bowl.

"I thought it was appropriate for Coach Leshinski to go down in flames on the back of his hometown goat, " said Coach Matthews as he lit up a victory cigar in the locker room after the game.

"As soon as it looked like Westbrook was in for a touchdown at the end of the first half instead of McNabb throwing a pass for a TD, I stopped watching the game, " admitted Leshinski. "Then I said Fuck and my wife said to stop being a baby. It was a good night all around. "

"Two touchdowns. Hmm...Chris Johnson? Dallas Clark has a career game. Reggie Wayne, do you even care?" wondered Leshinski after the game. "Before the game I told my team they were playing for the 2009 Kielbasa Franchise player, so I'd like to congratulate our keeper for next year: the Arizona Cardinals DST. "

"Part of me feels like I was playing with house money, since, and don't say this to Swank, TCTers, or Nufers, but I was pretty lucky this year. I will admit there was a glimmer of hope when Romo looked like he was hurt pretty bad. You never wanna see a guy get injured, but I did want to see him get injured. I'm just surprised McNabb didn't have a 30 point first half forcing me to stay up and watch the rest of the game. "

"Then right after the game all of my players started throwing their shoes at me. I assume it was thanking me for my coaching? I can't think of anything else. Congratulations to the Sharks and let me be the first to congratulate the 2008 Craigoleague Champions, the P-Men."

The Blacks responded, though with their best game of the season, a 145 point effort that comes on the heels of the team's 130 point game to end the season.

Steve Smith torched the Arches, catching nine passes for 165 yards and a touchdown. It was Smith's fourth-consecutive 100-yard receiving game (and seventh in his last nine as the Blacks caught fire.

The offensive explosion had Coach Black reflecting on the fact that if he could have squeezed three more yards out of his offense in the week eight's 116.3 to 116.1 loss to the Kielbasas the Blacks would be in the Super Bowl right now.

"Based on the way my team was playing, I thought that game was going to come back to haunt me. As they say, its a game of inches, " said Black afterwards.

Steven Jackson, in perhaps his last game in a Maniacs uniform, ran for an inspired 91 yards on 24 carries and a touchdown to carry the Maniacs to victory. 

"Great job by Steven Jackson, " lauded Coach Matthews after the game. "No doubt when healthy he is one of the best players in the game but he's played less and less the last two years so we might have to look in another direction next year. In the end I think we got as far as we could with this squad - good players all, just not good enough to win the title." 

Brian Westbrook had a chance to rally the Nufers with a strong Monday night game but scored just 11 points in the loss.

"Figures - My running back sinks me, " said a disgusted Coach Nufer. "Gotta put this season behind me. "

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 14
Dejers Down!
Arches Make Punching Bags of Long Time Rivals

Craigoleague Illustrated December 7, 2008

The win helped to ease the pain of the Arches' eighth straight losing season. Afterwards Coach Archbold could not be reached for comment as he intensely made Stupor Bowl preparations. 

As for the Dejers, the team had a terrific quarterback in Kurt Warner and not much else. After 8 weeks the team was 3-5 and right in the the thick of the wild card hunt but the wheels fell off as they lost their last 6 games, averaging just 86 ppg over that span. After the final loss, which gave them the Punching Bag and, for final insult, eliminated them from Stupor Bowl contention, Coach DeJongh offered the following post mortem on his team.

"If ever a team deserved the Punching Bag award, it was ours this year.  Call it what you want...bad Defense, bad scheduling.. Teams just went off on us this year.  Maybe there was a big target on us this year after our playoff run last year and opposing teams just brought that extra motivation when they played us. "

"Whatever the case, we'll drag that Punching Bag to Dejer headquarters as a reminder and begin planning for next season.  We've got a lot of work to do before the CLF combines in a few weeks to begin to prepare for our draft. Good luck to those in the playoffs. "

"I got hit by the buzz saw this year, " said Coach Nufer afterwards. "4th highest points for, 2nd highest points against, and I didn't even make the playoffs.  Really boiled down to three things:  Bad QB play (Palmer was the death nail), my tight end and a couple of bad coaching choices.  UGHHHHHHH!"

As for the Fitzies, they played a spirited game and earned a reprieve from the Governor as the Dejers 3 point loss to the Arches meant the Fitzies would not repeat as Punching Bag. Coach Fitzsimmons vows the team will be back and better than ever in 2009.

"My first thought was to hire Mark Hamill to do this press conference and just reprise his scream from the end of the Empire Strikes Back: 'A Heath Miller touchdown? NOOOOOOO!!!! THAT'S IMPOSSSIBLE!!!!!!" 

"Still, I think it was Vince Lombardi who first said, 'Any season you can walk away from with a PSP is a good season' and he was right. 8-6 and the 5 seed last year, 9-5 and the 4 seed this year, complete with a profitable sweep of the Sharks: no matter how you look at it that is progress. Great seasons from Rodgers and Larry Fitzgerald, they will both be welcome back next year without hesitation and if Jason Witten does not get hurt I think we are still playing. Still, another step forward and I am grateful to Coach Nufer for agreeing to a winner take all grudge match next week so we can squeeze a little more milk from the teats of this season. "

"My only regret is that I could not eradicate the Fighting Kielbasas from the playoffs and for that I would like to apologize to the rest of the league. " 

As for the Sharks, their strength was also revealed to be their Achilles heel as the Romo-Owens connection was shut down this week. They ended the season as the number one seed and will face the Fighting Kielbasas in the first round of the playoffs. 

The 2008 M*A*S*H finished as the lowest scoring team of all time but finished with a respectable 5 wins and satisfying victory over the P-Men in the season's final week. Matt Cassell was the sole offensive star on the day, piling up 29 points in the win. Afterwards, Coach Mangel was asked if he had any last words.

"Any last words???  Hmm??? Well...for the sake of all the young kids that will surely be reading this final regular season edition of the Craigoleague News...I'll keep it PG rated."

"Injuries...injuries...injuries!!!  That pretty much sums up my team's season!  When half of your starting line-up is out after week 1...you know you are in for a long season!  Though...not finishing with double digit losses and NOT being the "Punching Bag" was something I'm proud of!!  

To the P-Men...Good luck in the playoffs my old friend!!
To the Kielbasas...Ah yes!!  A new rivalry has been born during 2008!!  The stand-up comedian "wanna be" has trash talked his way to a mediocre season and will lose like he always does in the playoffs and NEVER win a championship!!!  BTW...during next years draft, why don't you call us during a freakin' parade.  That's the only way you will top this year's draft of making us listen to the "BATTLE OF THE YENTAS"!!

To everyone else in the league...Have a happy holiday season!!"

As for the P-Men, Coach Pinsky admitted it was a tough loss to swallow and did not look forward to facing a tough Leoniums squad in the playoffs.

Despite winning 4 of their final 5 games, the Blacks finished just 7-7 and have now had just two playoff seasons since their back to back championship years of 1996-1997. Afterwards, Coach Black looked back on what could have been.

"I want to congratulate the FKers on their .2 point win over the Blacks which catapulted them into the playoffs.  Masterful coaching by Leshinski!" 

As for the Leoniums, they end the season as the #3 seed and will face the P-Men next week. Coach Hirth, nor his associates, were available for comment.

"I look forward to the upcoming game with the Sharks, particularly since they're getting extra points for having home field, " said Leshinski. "It's like America: the more successful you are, the more you're given for free.  Sill, I've asked George Costanza to come in and coach for me this week with express orders to do the exact opposite of what he thinks he should do."

"To the rest of the league, it seems like I say it every year, but I understand why you guys voted to keep me out for so long.  Before, you had four playoff spots but with FK there are now only three."

Oh, and there is no truth to the rumor that I would let Illinois Governor George Goblowjobish become the starting WR for the Kielbasas in return for waiving the sales tax on the 2 tons of smoked sausage we purchase for the season.  No truth at all.  But it is good sausage."

As for the TCTers, who had a chance to get into the playoffs but fell flat with their second worst game of the year? Coach Frament chose to disband the team as quickly as possible, refusing an invitation to the Stupor Bowl and declining an invitation to the grudge match with the Nufers and Maniacs.

"Our problem is that the teats of this season have produced mostly sour milk.  We think it is time to slaughter this cow we call the 2008 TCTers, throw it on the grill and call it dinner. "

"A1 anyone?"

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 13
Thanks Not Given by Nufers
 Technology, Family, Coach Blamed For Loss

Craigoleague Illustrated November 30, 2008

Through 12 weeks, 15% of all games played have been decided by 4 points or less, so the home field could be a huge factor in the game.

"I feel like we've righted the ship, " said Coach Matthews, whose Maniacs have been the highest scoring team in the league over the past three weeks. "Clearly my decision to go into full panic mode a few weeks ago is starting to pay dividends. "

"Aaron Rodgers came through big time in the most critical game of the season. He's having the best season for a Craigomaniac quarterback since the Warner years. If Steven Jackson can't prove to me he's healthy in the playoffs we may be looking at the start of the Aaron Rodgers era. As to next week, it's unusual to have a meaningless Sharks game but the Craigstrodome will be rocking for whoever we face in the wild card round."

The Nufers face a less certain post season fate after dropping back to back heartbreakers to the P-Men and Craigomaniacs in the past two weeks. They can still get in with a win next week coupled with a Blacks and FK loss, and be the highest scorer of the resulting 7-7 teams, which they currently are. It's a long shot but they have the easiest last week opponent, the Fitzies, while the Blacks play the P-men and the FKs play the TCTers.

"If we get in with a little luck than we will be dangerous, " Said Coach Nufer. "With one of the highest points against we are bound to have some luck down the stretch. "

The Coach was asked what happened against the Maniacs. "I completely blew it, " he admitted. "Chalk it up to Coaching and a little hard luck. I will take you through the thought process. Dunn or Westbrook? Westbrook has laid an egg the last two weeks and is curiously hurt enough to impact his play right? All though the day I had Dunn in the line up and was waffling up to the last minute. I was making my selections on my mother-in-laws computer with dial-up. It took about 40 minutes to load up but was all set to go if I changed my mind. I told my nephews to leave it alone! 10 minutes to kick-off I come down and they are playing on the computer and had lost my access, 45 minutes later it came back and by that time Westbrook had 2 TDs. Bad Coaching and Hard luck. The kicker is this. Since I had Dunn running on Sunday, I was not comfortable with two players being in the same game so I went with Harrison over Bryant. Harrison lays and egg again and Bryant
has a great game. The worst of it is it all came back to a bad Westbrook decision. The game, the season, $200 !@#$@!#$!@#$."

"Good luck the Maniacs the rest of the way out. Seems as though I am toast. I had the playoffs in the palm of my hand and the last two weeks crushed me. "

"I should have dropped LT this year but my balls are tiny. Chris Johnson, baby, the next FK Franchise!" sai Leshinski. 

"I think we have a new rivalry in Craigoleague - not from a competitive stand-point but just from a lot of chatter stand point, " said Leshinski afterwards. "I didn't join this league to make friends, I joined to win championships, and right now I have neither. "

The Kielbasas are now alone at 7-6 and their playoff prospects are simple. Win next week and they are in, lose and they are eliminated. It will be no easy task, however, as their opponent, long time rivals the TCTers, is also fighting for a playoff spot.

Reflecting in the history between the two teams, Leshinski said, "I'm sure glad the TCTers didn't accept my McNabb for Chris Cooley trade earlier in the year. When informed Chris Cooley never played for the TCTers, Leshinski responded, "That's it, I'm firing my scouting department."

"The run and shoot is going all the way to the big time this year, " announced Coach Matthews over beer and wings with fellow owners of the P-Men, Craigomaniacs and Leoniums. He then announced, "I think you are looking at the Super Bowl matchup right here, with the Sharks and Leoniums."

That quote went right up on the bulletin board at the Craigstrodome, where the Sharks will play next week. 

"They haven't played a 100 point team in seven weeks, let's see how well they do against the Craigomaniacs," noted Coach Matthews.

"Maurice Jones Drew has been so inconsistent, I had zero confidence, " said Black at a recent black tie function. MJD rewarded his coach's lack of confidence with a lackluster 49 yards rushing and a fumble. 

One player who did want to keep his team's playoff hopes alive, however, was Greg Jennings of the TCTers. Jennings caught 8 passes for 91 yards and a touchdown and 2 point conversion to set up another classic TCTer-FKer matchup next week. If the TCTers win, they will get the final playoff spot if either the Blacks and Nufers lose or if they end up as the highest scoring team among the ones tied at 7-7. they currently trail only the Nufers in this regard. 

"And so the battle begins, " said Coach Frament of the TCTers. "We tripped coming out of the starting gate with a big 0 from Gates but hopefully this will inspire the team rather than have them follow suit. Curse you FKers!"

"And what's this crap about the FKers having a scouting team? Weren't they asking for a bailout a few weeks ago? Rather than a bailout, he should drop the scouts and get his information like the rest of us, from the Chris Berman fastest 3 minutes. "

Leshinski responded, "Obviously, the sub-prime drafting and free agent picks are dragging down the entire talent level of the Fighting Kielbasas and looking back I think it's clear that we have been in a talent recession since August, if not earlier. "

"As I said when I first requested the bail-out, with an immediate infusion of talent our team will not last the year, and I still stick to that prediction. 

"Having said all of that, we're not going to go down without a fight. We're happy that Old Man Tomlinson put in such a spirited performance and confident that if each of our players put up 20 points we can win this week. Even more exciting was the late-game fumble by Sproles that cost him two points so he didn't outscore Tomlinson and cost my coaching rating another hit. If I can't win the Super Bowl I want to at least get my coaching rating above 80%."

"After attending the party hosted by the Sharks, I thought everything was civil, " Said Coach Pinsky, "Until Mark toasted to Leon "I will see you in the Super Bowl". Good locker room material for the P-Men."

"In addition, I am curious to hear from the Dejers how it felt to be beaten by Andre Johnson, the 'washed up' wide receiver he traded to me. "

The back to back wins vaulted the Fitzies out of last place and they now control their own destiny as a win will clinch not being punching bag.

As for the Leoniums, no word yet on the fate of the associate who recommended Coach Hirth pick up Mark Bradley after Bradley's zero point performance against the Fitzies.

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 12
Mad M*A*S*H
Guarantee Win over FKers Next Week

Craigoleague Illustrated November 23, 2008

As for the M*A*S*H, Coach Mangel quickly turned his attention to next week's game against the Fighting kielbasas.

"To Coach Leshinski, " Mangel began his press conference, "I GUARANTEE the MASH Unit will be kicking you out of the playoff hunt!!!!"

Also making life easier was Coach Leshinski's decision to start quarterback Donovan McNabb, who scored just -0.55 points before leaving at halftime. Eli Manning could only watch helplessly as his 35.6 points were left on the bench, assuring Leshinski of an all time worst 46% Coach Rating.

"It was gut check time for the Kielbasas and we made a poopie, " admitted Leshinski. "Even without my 36 point mistake at QB I don't win. I don't know if that's good or bad."

"But I do want to defend McNabb, who thought we were only playing one half of football. A lot of guys in the league make that mistake, thinking that once they play a half then that's it. I remember a few years back at Bucknell playing one half and going to the locker room and taking a shower because I thought the game was over. Luckily I was a benchwarmer so it didn't matter but I can relate."

"Meanwhile, I'm not giving up on this team but I will say that there's no way I'm drafting any of these guys next year, except for the Packers D. Otherwise, I still believe in my team."

Turning his attention to next week, Leshinski was asked to respond to Coach Mangel's guarantee. 
"Honestly, I'm surprised he's still paying attention."

"As for next week's lineup, I'm benching McNabb, so if you're a betting man you should bet the over on that game. I'm thinking he throws 3 TD and runs for 4 more, something like that. "

The win keeps the Blacks' playoff hopes alive by evening their record at 6-6. They are now tied with the Nufers and Fighting Kielbasas for the fifth seed and just a game back of the Maniacs for the fourth seed.

"A tough loss but we still control our playoff destiny, " said Coach Matthews after the game. "The fact of the matter is we've got to do better at playing with injuries. Over the past two years we are 13-4 when Steven Jackson has been in the lineup and just 2-7 without him. Witten's injury is killing me at tight end as well. It's gut check time against our old rivals the Nufers next week - let's see how the team responds."

There is no doubt that Coach Matthews' strategy of doubling up on the QB-WR tandem has been a success but the road gets bumpier in the postseason as the dynamic duo will face the Steelers, Giants and Ravens defenses in weeks 14, 15 and 16.

As for the Dejers, they fell into a last place tie with the Fitzies at 3-9 and are in danger of becoming punching bag for just the second time in team history. They will face a tough test in week 13 as well as they go up against the first place P-Men.

As for the TCTers they are in do or die mode as they prepare to take on fellow 6-6 team the Blacks next week and then the 6-6 FKers in the season's final weekend.

"Nothing like beating the Nufers on the weekend before Thanksgiving, " said Coach Pinsky. "Brees puts up 44, nice."

It was a crushing loss for the surging Nufers who missed a chance to claim sole possession of the final wild card spot. They are now in a six way battle for the final two playoff seeds.

The Nufers remain in decent shape, however, as they play the tem they are chasing, the Craigomaniacs, next week and have the second easiest remaining schedule among the contenders.

"Damn P-men. I had them on the ropes, " said Nufer. "It always comes down to the Craigomaniacs/Nufers."

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 11
Sharks Scandal!
Quarterback Goes Rogue as Romo Helps Homeless Person

Craigoleague Illustrated November 16, 2008

Within hours, Sharks owner Mark Matthews found himself dealing with a media controversy. Romo's actions clearly showed a blatant disregard of the team's code of conduct. Reporters asked the team owner if Romo's actions showed that he had gone rogue, given that there is a team sign posted in the locker room explicitly stating: “Do not help Homeless People. Thank You. Sharks Management.” (There was some controversy a few years ago when the Sharks were forced to replace the word "Hobos" with "Homeless people").

"Actually, it reads "Do not Feed homeless people Mama Pinsky's sauce as it discourages them from foraging in their natural habitat, " explained Matthews. Matthews attempted at first to spin the incident as "Just trickle down, baby," but reporters continued to press him.

"Community outreach? Compassionate conservatism?" he tried, before breaking down in a Colonel Jessep moment by blurting out, "I suppose the only right answer would be for Romo to be taxed an extra million so that it could filter through the government and find its way to this guy in the form of food stamps or something at a value of about 4 dollars!" He then refused further questions

"Good to see Romo appreciates the fact that he's lucky enough to be blessed with a talent that provides him such a huge income and in his gratitude does not begrudge helping out someone not so fortunate, " commented Coach Leshinski of the Fighting Kielbasas. "However, I do have to say the news story disrupted the Kielbasas practice when, after word got out of what Romo did, everyone left to go to the Sharks' stadium and ask for money."

One place the Sharks scandal was welcome was at Fitzies camp, where the media attention was taken away from the team being eliminated from the playoffs and in line for the becoming the first ever back to back punching bag. 

Coach Fitzsimmons responded by saying, "Management is currently reviewing the prospect of switching the Fitzie organization to a bank holding company that will allow us to gain access to the TARP and sign better players in an attempt to avoid punching bagruptcy."

"Tough loss, " responded Coach DeJongh who saw his playoff hopes crippled. "Our team may have got caught looking ahead to our rematch next week with the Sharks.  Nonetheless, I did find it a little suspicious that M*A*S*H quarterback, Trent Edwards, wouldn't even look at my wide receiver, Lee Evans the whole game...he was wide open in the end zone a couple of times and didn't even get a glance. "

Coach Frament responded to his team's recent success with a rare pres conference. "Sorry about not being responsive, he said. "It has been a busy time with us, but now that NASCAR is done until February, we will have more time to focus on football."

"Trying to figure out how our team is going to do, is harder than figuring the stock market these days.  Things seem like they are coming together now that we have a quarterback. By the way, our backups ain't to shabby these days either. However, our running backs are such a headache.  Edge is no longer edgy, he is not even dull.  Freakin' Larry Johnson and his barroom antics.  We told him that to try using a dating service rather than socializing at bars, figuring that would keep him in the lineup for a few more weeks.  He tried to join eHarmony and they sent him this rejection. "

"I don't know yet what will inspire the Blacks this week," he replied. "Last week, however, I can tell you it was Coach Pinsky's overconfident statements to the Blacks ownership that "The Blacks are going down." 

"Every game is a must win for a 5-6 team," said Black after the game. Black has been under pressure from the media lately, recently having been ambushed at a black tie dinner function by an unnamed CI reporter who pointed out to the Coach, in front of Mrs. Coach, that the past 9 years have yielded just 2 playoff appearances for the Blacks, worst in the league. By the end of the night Coach Black had conceded to consider at least partial ownership with Mrs. Coach next year. 

As for the P-Men, "This loss was 100% attributable to the coach, " admitted a humbled Coach Pinsky. "All season long, I start Cooley at tight end and then last week, I said, hey, Billy Miller did well on the bye week, lets leave him in. Zero freaking points. The coach will not get in the way in the future. "

"The important thing at this point of the season is just to score points. it helps with the tie-breaker and with the Stupor Bowl standings so to me if we were going to lose this is the way to do it. Witten and Rodgers are getting healthier and if we can just win one or two of our final three games I'll think we'll make it to the post season."

For the Leoniums, Anquan Boldin enhanced his MVP credentials by catching 13 passes for 186 yards. Coach Hirth again avoided all comments and used his legal skills to somehow get out of a fine the commissioner tried to levy for Hirth making some savvy roster moves despite declaring at the beginning of the season that he would mail it in this year.

Favre led the way in week 11, torching the Fighting Kielbasas with 30 points and drawing the teams even at 6-5. The win also could have huge implications if it comes down to a tie-breaker situation. 

Head FKer Coach Leshinski knows the loss leaves his team very little room for error. "For me, the playoffs start this week. Every game is a must-win, " he said. "And not to tip my hand, but people have asked if Tomlinson is playing to keep the franchise tag, and I'm not going to comment.  He's the franchise player this year.  I guess we'll see if Tomlinson wants to be a Kielbasas next year with his performance the next three games. "

"The fact is, my team is streaky like Mark Matthews' underpants.  I'm a 100 point a week team, which puts me right in the middle.  The last two weeks I would have beat most teams, just not the team I was playing.  The only good news is I've got three cupcakes coming up to hopefully get to 9 wins and a chance to lose in the first round of the playoffs. "

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 10
Stupor Dreams
P-Men Move into First Place As Holy Shit We 
Just Elected A Black President

Craigoleague Illustrated November 9, 2008

Adrian Peterson totaled 192 yards and one touchdown on 30 carries and caught four passes for 33 yards in the P-Men's 132-103 win against the Arches. The P-Men did most of their scoring in the 4th quarter as Peterson gained 95 yards, including a 29-yard touchdown in the 4th. Adding to the late game assault was Drew Brees, as he threw for more than 200 yards and 2 scores in the fourth quarter, including a meaningless hail mary touchdown on the last play, in one of the great garbage time performances of all time.  

The P-Men now boast the top ranked running back and quarterback in the league in Brees and Peterson and have sole possession of first place.

Arches head Coach Paul Archbold could only shake his head in disbelief as he watched his lead evaporate and submitted his team for its annual entry in the Stupor Bowl competition.

"Although, " he quickly pointed out, "I intend to win out and make the regular playoffs this year - so don't spend my money yet."

"I thought I would get at least 130 pts after watching Jay Cutler posting 47 points on Thursday night - but no one else showed up to play.  It was horrific to see Todd Heap score two touchdowns on my bench while Arch starter Jeremy Shockey pouted on the sidelines.  Also, Marshawn Lynch is quickly becoming my Rudi for 2008.

"As with every year at this time, we're shaking up the lineup and pulling one of our top draft choices.  I'm still deciding if we'll sit Moss or Lynch this week.  Let's see how my decision bites us in the ass."

Kellen Winslow led the Nufers with 10 receptions for 111 yards and two touchdowns against the TCTers on Sunday, helping the team stay within a game of the #5 seeded Fighting Kielbasas.

It was Winslow's best game of his career, and his 26 points were more than he had scored in his 5 previous games combined as he showed the form that helped take the Nufers to the Super Bowl title last season. By winning 5 of their past 7 games the defending champs are looking like one of the teams to beat coming down the stretch.

The TCTers, meanwhile, have dropped to 4-6 and have left themselves no room for error. Next week they will try to inch closer to .500 as they take on fellow 4-6 team, the Arches.

The Chad Pennington trade has paid immediate dividends for the Sharks as the former Wayne Chrebet teammate has led the team to consecutive wins in his two starts. Against the M*A*S*H, Pennington led an undermanned Sharks squad to victory, capped by a beautiful 39 yard flea flicker touchdown pass to set the tone early.

The win keeps the Sharks swimming with the big boys at 7-3.

"I'm pretty happy with this week's win given all my guys were out this week, " said Coach Matthews as he gave Pennington a playful rumpling of the hair. 

"Fitzgerald has been our MVP and most consistent player all season, " said an exultant Coach Matthews after the game, pointing out that Fitzgerald is the only receiver in the league who has scored at least 10 points in every game. "Down by 14 going into the Monday Nighter, I thought if anyone could give us a chance it was him."

Tony Scheffler also provided a shot in the arm to the Maniacs' chances as the trade acquisition scored 11 points on Thursday night filling in for the injured Jason Witten.

"Just a huge, huge win for us but what a nail biter. With about 5 minutes to go I only needed Fitz to get one catch for 9 yards. The Cards get the ball back on their second to last drive and Warner throws to Fitzgerald! Craig happy! But the pass play goes for only 6 yards. Craig sad! I couldn't believe was going to lose by just 0.3 points. But the Cards got the ball back and hit Fitzgerald for 8 yards on the last pass play of the game! Craig happy happy happy!"

"Getting to 7-3 moves us up one more rung on the famous "Craigoleague Hierarchy of Needs" ladder:

• Don't lose every game
• Don't be punching bag
• Don't finish with the worst record in team history
• Get to .500
• Make the playoffs
• Get a first round bye
• Get the home field advantage
• Win the Super Bowl

"I'm just grateful we got the win going into what I know is always a tough matchup for us against the Leoniums next week. "  

The Leoniums' Thomas Jones rushed for 149 yards and three touchdowns on 26 carries against the Fighting Kielbasas on Sunday. He racked up 107 yards and two scores in the first half as the Leoniums cruised past their rivals and established Coach Hirth's squad as the highest scoring team in the league.

On the opposite sideline, Coach Leshinski saw his team fall behind the pack and is now clinging onto the last playoff spot, just a game ahead of the Nufers.

"Even though I was completely hammered, the fundamentals of my team are sound, " commented Leshinski. "I knew, by the way, that I had the wrong QB, RB, K, and D, but I wanted to rest them and it worked out. All I can say about the Leoniums is: a guy becomes a partner and pretty soon he's kicking serious ass. "

"Kielbasas - Leoniums; Super Bowl preview anyone?"

As for the Dejers, their 3 game winning streak is now ancient history as the team's 3-7 record has left their playoff hopes in critical condition. 

"Clearly this blood of this loss is on the hands of the coach.  The benching of McGahee and DeSean Jackson was what cost us the game. "

"Just in case I don't make the real playoffs, I will join the Stupor Bowl, " announced Coach DeJongh. "My franchise is really sliding backwards as we are now having to resort to Stupor bowl rankings to keep the fans interested.  I think this is the first time this once proud franchise has joined this group. "

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 9
Party's Over!
Third Straight Loss Drops Maniacs out of First Place

Craigoleague Illustrated November 2, 2008

Reporters crowded into the Craigo-lockerroom after the game to ask Coach Matthews about the team's struggles.

"Officially, injuries are killing me," said Matthews," Witten gets zero points, Jackson plays just a few snaps. Once everyone gets healthy I’ll be fine. Unofficially - here's the deal; once we hit 6-0 I decided to treat myself and spend some of that guaranteed playoff money. I bought myself a PSP and took a 3 week vacation, leaving Coaches Marino and Kosar in charge. Well, I come back this Monday and they’re passed out on the floor of my office with empty Iron City beer cans strewn all over. They broke Jason Witten’s ribs, too, I know it. They tried taping them up but I could tell they were broken. that's where my Dad training took over and I really had to read them the riot act."

"Who wants to tell me what happened to Steven Jackson's groin?, " Matthews reportedly screamed at them, along with, "I can stop this season right now and you can all go get picked up by the Fitzies and M*A*S*H on the waiver wire - is that what you want?" 

Matthews has labeled this week's contest against the Fitzies as a "Must win" game and hopes to get a boost from tight end Tony Scheffler, acquired two weeks prior for in a trade with the Sharks for Chad Pennington.

"Look, I know the Craigofans are going to read this and there's going to be a lot of Craigospeculation, " continued Matthews, "So lest there be any confusion, let me be clear about one thing: from top to bottom this team is in full panic mode. We don't know how to fix this, and to be honest, we aren't even sure how we even got to 6-0 in the first place. The one thing we can guarantee the fans is that we are going in and we are going in full throttle, that ought to keep those other teams off our tail. If we come up short in the end, well, just tell the fans to close their eyes and think of Kurt Warner handing off to Terrell Davis, who pitches it back to Dan Marino, who hits a wide open Steven Jackson for a touchdown. That's my happy place, anyway."

As for the Dejers, the loss drops the team to 3-6 and just a game out of last place. They will look to rebound next week against the Blacks.

"I was excited to see the Craigomaniacs lose this past weekend, " Said Pinsky afterwards, twirling his moustache. "With my stud qb out, I like what I saw out of Matt Ryan.  With Parker coming back, the team is hitting on all cylinders " (Reporters were left to fill in the "Bwa ha ha ha!" in their own minds).

Alas, many a team owner has made the "Hitting on all cylinders" quote just prior to his team getting decimated by injuries and poor play and so it was an ominous sign that Willie Parker was announced out of this week's upcoming game due to injury. One can only hope a similar fate dows not befall the other P-Men stars.

Winslow was mere icing on the cake for the Nufers, however, as Super Bowl her Brandon Jacobs rumbled his way to 117 yards and a touchdown as the Nufers pulled into a tie with the Arches at 4-5.

Next up the Arches take on the P-Men while the Nufers will try to get to .500 against the TCTers.

The M*A*S*H gained a victory but lost another starter on Sunday as Kyle Orton became the latest M*A*S*H injury victim. Luckily for the team, Donald Driver stayed healthy enough to catch 7 passes for 136 yards and a touchdown as the M*A*S*H earned their third win of the season.

"Hmm... Let's see...
Brady
Cassel...Not hurt...he just stinks...
Edwards
Orton
back to Edwards

Can someone make it through a game without getting knocked out?????" wondered Coach Mangel afterwards.

The M*A*S*H were able to spread the pain around for once, however, and knocked out Blacks starting quarterback Ben Roethlisberger after just 7.8 points, however, to secure the victory.

Next week the M*A*S*H will try to stay healthy against the Sharks while the Blacks will face fellow 3-6 team, the Dejers.

It was somewhat a meeting of master and student as it was reportedly Matthews' scoffing of the "work" involved in running a Craigoleague franchise that encouraged Hirth to stay in the league for another year.

For this week, at least, the master remained the master and the student the student.

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 8
Pinsky Defeats Manning
Brees Into a 3 Way Tie For First

Craigoleague Illustrated October 26, 2008

By the time Manning took the field the Leoniums were down by 50. He gave it his best shot, throwing for two touchdowns and rushing for another, but it was not enough to stop the bleeding.

"A very good win beating Manning and Coach Hirth, " said Coach Pinsky after the game. "I was concerned that I  had a 50 pt lead going into the Colts game because I have seen Manning many times put up 50+ games and I did not want to be part of that and read it through the press.  How about Brees -  The guy is  lighting it up and Andre Johnson - what a steal for me. This next game is one of those pit fall games for me.  I am concerned. "

The end result, coupled with the Maniacs loss, puts the P-Men, Maniacs and Leoniums in a three way tie for first heading into the season's final 6 games.

"Getting the points you need to win on Monday night at 11:30 - that's something only fantasy league owners would truly understand, " said a bleary eyed Coach Leshinski after the game. "I'm just glad I had so many guys playing well this week: just call me the ReDistributor!"

Next week Pennington will try to get the Sharks a share of first place by defeating the Leoniums while the TCTers battle the Craigomaniacs. 

For the M*A*S*H, only two players reached double digits and none topped Steve Slaton's 16 to drop the M*A*S*H into a last place tie with the Fitzies at 2-6.

Next week the team tries to climb out of the basement against the Blacks while the Nufers battle the Arches.

The Fitzies meanwhile, fell into a last place tie with the M*A*S*H despite 37 points passing from newly acquired Matt Schaub. They will try to get back on track against the P-Men next week.

Steven Jackson was a late injury scratch for the Craigomaniacs and Aaron Rodgers' bye week replacement, JT O'Sullivan, suffered through a miserable 5 point performance as the Craigomaniacs dropped their second straight game.

"We knew going into the season that, with the way the bye weeks stacked up, weeks 7-10 would be the toughest stretch for the team, " said a disappointed Coach Matthews after the game. "When I found out on Sunday that Steven Jackson couldn't go I knew we were in trouble. The Arches are a solid team - hats off to them. We will try to regroup and get back into the win column against the TCTers next week. " 

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 7
Fitzies Get Dejed
Fitzsimmons Calls Out DeJongh on Trade

Craigoleague Illustrated October 19, 2008

"It came down to a gametime decision to start Roethlisberger over Delhomme and Big Ben outscored Jake by 1 point - that was the difference in the game, " said Black afterwards.

Coach Fitzsimmons had another take on why the Blacks won, citing the Dejer administrations inability to execute the teams Lee Evans/John Carlson for Matt Schaub/Anthony Gonzalez trade until after the games ended on Sunday. 

"I'd like to propose a new word for the English dictionary, " suggested Fitzsimmons in a mid week press release, "
Main Entry: dejed
Pronunciation: \'deegd'\
Function: transitive verb
Date: 2008
Definition:to agree to the terms of a dynamic trade, but not record it with the commissioner in a timely manner, thereby causing your trade partner to lose their game. Example: Had I not been dejed this week, I would be right in the thick of the playoff hunt."

"Yeah, well hopefully the Fitzies get dejed again this weekend, " responded DeJongh, insisting that Fitzsimmons was fully aware of the proposed timing at the time of the deal.

"This Dejer team has definitely turned the corner and is playing at the level we normally see from a Dejer team, " said Coach DeJongh on his syndicated Deje and the radio show. "I would also have to give a lot of credit to our GM, me, on some great moves he has made to improve our team. Picking up Warner, Evans, and Carlson, has improved our team greatly. "

"However, we Just found out that Santonio Holmes was busted for possession of pot.  When we questioned him about where he got it, it turns out that (newly acquired) Lee Evans gave it to him under direction from Fitzie management, whom we happen to be playing this week.  I've seen some low blows in this league in my time, but this may take the cake."

"With Larry Fitzgerald on a bye week and tough matchups for some of my guys I didn't feel too good coming into this game, " admitted Coach Matthews afterwards. "Still, it took season lows from 7 of my 8 starters to lose to the M*A*S*H. Steven Jackson's 41 points were the only thing keeping this thing respectable. " 

"You hate to play teams like the M*A*S*H at this time of the year because they have those X factor guys like Orton on their team. Tto quote Bill Simmons, they are like a shrimp that bottom-feeds on the ocean floor. Given their position in the standings they get the first shot at snatching the "hot waiver guy du jour" like they are perusing a buffet table. "Sure, I'd love to try Steve Breaston! Absolutely, I've never had Kyle Orton! Hey, it's three weeks of Dom Rhodes as a starter for Indy—I think I'll fit him on my plate!"

"We have another tough bye week to get through next week against the Arches but then we will be in good shape for the rest of the season. "

On the opposing sideline, the TCTers had troupble getting any offensive momentum going despite a surprisingly strong 23 point game from quarterback Gus Frerotte. The run and shoot provided just 23 points from its 3 receivers as the Triggermen scored less than 80 points for the second time in the last 3 weeks. they will look to get things turned around against a hungry Sharks squad in week 8.

As for the Arches, an injury to Jay Cutler's throwing hand in the opening drive of the game clearly hindered the quarterback as he finished with a season low 16 points. The poor game undermined a stellar passing attack from Randy Moss (21 points) and Calvin Johnson (24 points) as the Arches dropped to 3-4.

"I think you should give the coaching and GM grades on a scale: take the average and make that a C, and then 10% higher is a B and 20% higher is an A, etc.  Everyone is getting a B, it's like going to school at SUNY Albany or something. But nobody ever gets an F. What is this, the Swedish Football League or something?  If it sounds like I'm gloating that I'm the only team averaging less than 100 points a game but would make the playoffs if the season ended today, well, then, I am!"

As for the Sharks, they went into the season counting almost exclusively on the Romo to Owens connection to power the offense and their first week without Romo did not go well. Replacement quarterback Jamarcus Russell put up just 19 points and Owens was stifled, recording just 2 catches for 31 yards. They will look to find some answers next week against the TCTers.

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 6
Maniacs Go 6-0
Matthews Boys Complete Sweep of P-Men 

Craigoleague Illustrated October 12, 2008

"It's no surprise Brees and Chris Cooley did well, " said Coach Matthews after the game, "I coached those guys up so much last year it will take awhile for it to wear off. 6-0 is a great start but nothing is in the bag yet. In particular I am concerned about the Leoniums; their lack of Coach involvement this year has been just what that team has needed. 

As for the P-Men, they have gone from 4-0 to 4-2 in the span of eight days courtesy of back to back close losses to the Sharks and Maniacs.

After the press pointed this out after the game, the winning coach merely laughed and said, "Let's just say that is not the first time we've heard someone say, "I hope that is the last I see of the Matthews Boys."

"Luckily the rest of my bench sucks so I don't have to torture myself on who to play, " conceded Leshinski.  

.

The loss takes the Nufers to 2-4 while the Leoniums have ripped off three straight and are just a game behind the league leading Craigomaniacs.

The win moves the Sharks to 4-2 while the Blacks fall to 2-4 on the season.

The M*A*S*H failed to have a starter score 20 points but that did not deter Coach Mangel from having confidence going into their matchup with the undefeated Maniacs next week. 

"I guarantee a win this weekend!!, " announced Mangel.

The win keeps the Dejers on pace with the M*A*S*H unit at 1-5 as both teams try to climb out of the cellar.

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 5
Archbold Complains of Lack of Touches
"Go Back to Bed," Says Wife

Craigoleague Illustrated October 5, 2008

Afterwards all was back in order for the preseason favorites, although Coach Archbold was complaining of a lack of touches according to insiders. No word on if the situation will improve after a win.

The Fitzies, meanwhile, dropped to 1-4 and have yet to score 100 points this season, leading Coach Fitzsimmons to work the phones trying to make a deal to improve his club. No deal was struck as of press time but sources say the primary focus is on the quarterback position where the Fitzie starters have not broken the 20 point barrier in any game. 

"Ronnie Brown could be the key to the season, " Coach Matthews said in the post game press conference. "With Ryan Grant still recovering from a hamstring injury, the one area that's been a bust so far has been the flex position. If Ronnie can give us production out of that spot we will be tough to beat. As for the Kielbasas, well, I have to admit it was a little awkward running into Coach Leshinski over at J.T. O'Sullivan's after the game. He said he just ran in to make a phone call but he had hot wing sauce all over his shirt when he said it. "

The recently fired Leshinski was not available for comment but the team did issue a press release stating that ownership wanted to "Deny the rumors that after the FK owner hosted a conference call to re-assure season ticket holders that the fundamentals of the team are sound, the ticket holders then turned around and scalped all of their tickets. It's just not true. "

For the Dejers, it was their 5th straight loss to start the season and with the M*A*S*H winning, gives them the inside track on the Punching Bag. They will look to get into the win column against the TCTers in week 6.

As for the TCTers, they went from the highest scoring team in the league to the lowest as Matt Hasselbeck and Larry Johnson somehow played the whole game and combined to score just 7 points. Next week the team will look to get back on track against the winless Dejers.

Brandon Jacobs led the attack for the Nufers, having his finest game since the Super Bowl, pounding out 136 rushing yards and two touchdowns to beat the Blacks into submission. Also key to the victory was the return to form of Carson Palmer, who took advantage of a Brett Favre bye week to make a case to reclaim his starting job back. Palmer threw for 2 touchdowns and finished with 25 points.

Next up the Blacks will try to get back into the win column versus the dangerous Sharks while the Nufers try to keep the momentum going against the Leoniums.

The Sharks went into the Monday nighter clinging to a 6 point lead but, faced with just Reggie Bush versus the P-Men's Adrian Peterson and Drew Brees, things looked bleak in the Shark Tank. The P-Men grabbed the lead early and looked to have the game in hand until Bush returned, not one, but two punt returns for a touchdown  in the second half that got the Sharks a half point lead with a minute to go. The P-Men got the ball back for one last drive and fed the ball to Peterson 3 times, pulling back ahead on the last carry by 0.3 points with 12 seconds left. Time for one last play. With the crowd roaring, Drew Brees drops back and launches a pass deep down field… it's intercepted! Negative two and the P-Men lose! But wait, they are reviewing the play, maybe he didn’t intercept it and the P-Men win! No, the refs come back and say the pick was good and the P-Men lose! It was a  fantastic finish to what was indisputably one of the great games of all time.

"That was one of the worst games I have ever seen, " disputed Coach Pinsky. "I left the stadium thinking I was going to notch a win only to find out in the papers that I lost.  Why the hell would you punt to Reggie Bush after he already returned one? Plain disappointing, but I am 4-1 and overall extremely happy.  Message to Dejers: I got pretty good production (39.1 points from Johnson and McClain) for 2 players who sucked. "

As for the Sharks, Matthews beamed, "With Jessica Simpson on one arm and Carrie Underwood on the other, the Sharks owner extolled his team to give it their best against arch nemesis P-Men.  Reggie Bush took the owner's message to heart, single handedly winning the game with his last minute heroics.

"Mostly I just wanted to stick it back to the P-Men for all of those Sega Madden Football losses in the Highgate Dome."

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 4
League Rejects Proposed FKer Bailout Plan
"Leshinski's the Problem," Says Leshinski

Craigoleague Illustrated September 28, 2008

This statement comes just days after FKer fans watched helplessly as the P-Men's Drew Brees threw for 363 yards and 3 touchdowns in week 4 as the Fighting Kielbasas were sent reeling to their second straight loss after starting the season 2-0.

"This team is too big to fail", an anxious Leshinski commented from ownership headquarters at Stella's Pierogi Palace in Wasaus, WI. "Since coming into the league we've won over 61% of our games; the recent two game slide is a short-term correction that could have serious long-term consequences if an immediate infusion of talent is not injected into this team."

The Kielbasas proposal looks like this:

• Every team protects their top two players, after which Kielbasas management may select not more than two players from that team.
• At the point at which the Kielbasas make the playoffs, at least one player is returned to the team from which it was selected
• If the team wins the Super Bowl, the Kielbasas shall personally e-mail each owner to thank them as well as return not only all of the donated players but all players on the Kielbasas roster with the exception of one franchise player.

Said Leshinski, "We've identified the problem, namely me, our coach, and have taken quick action to correct this defect. Now it's up to the owners of Craigoleague to step up and do their part to protect this old and venerable institution from suffering a .500 season or worse."

Sources at Craigoleague wouldn't speak on the record, but when asked if they had ever encountered such a request in the history of the league could not recall one, but did add "I've seen some trades that looked like donations but never something like this."

This was the latest effort by Fighting Kielbasas ownership to mitigate the damage of recent weeks after an earlier proposal suggesting the fans assume the FKers two losses and leave the team at 2-0 was voted down.

Reached at his home just prior to the firing, the former Coach Leshinski commented, "I know the stock market lost over like one trillion dollars today but seriously, things aren't going great for the Kielbasas, either. "

Deciding to press their luck, CI staffers asked Coach Frament if team management had comments after last week's outburst. Frament simply offered back an email stating, "Two weeks in a row? Come now..."

As expected, Coach Hirth had no comment after the game. 

For team M*A*S*H, Coach Frament cobbled together a respectable lineup that gave the team the closest thing to a victory they have seen this year.

Next week the M*A*S*H will try again to get their first win of the season by going up against the TCTers while the Leoniums go cruising up against the Dejers.

Favre's heroics were needed as franchise Nufer Brian Westbrook missed the game with an injury and the team was forced to go with old timer Warrick Dunn at running back.

As for the Sharks, Tony Romo remained strong with 37 points but Reggie Bush suffered his first sub 20 point game of the season to sink the "run" portion of the Sharks run and shoot offense. The Sharks have now dropped to 2-2 after starting 2-0 and Coach Matthews will face a tough challenge in facing former roommate Coach Pinsky and the undefeated P-Men next week.

"It's a little surreal, " said Coach Matthews of being 4-0 for the first time in seven years. "I certainly don't feel like we're clicking on all cylinders yet. Witten, the receivers and the defense have been carrying us. That's why it was so good to see Steven Jackson get into gear this week. Then again, Coach DeJongh has clearly been distracted since the Mad Dog quit his radio show so it's hard to tell how good we really are. " 

Coach DeJongh wasted no time in commenting on his program (Formerly known as the "Deje and the Mad Dog Show", now just known as the "Deje and the" show). 

"Well, to those who say the Dejers suck this year, just because we're 0-4, I'd respond by saying clearly we're the best 0-4 team in the league.  In fact, we could just as easily be 4-0.... How do you figure? Well, if we had played MASH, Maniacs, Blacks, or Fitzies in Week 1, MASH in Week 2, Blacks, Leoniums or MASH in Week 3, or Arches, Fitzies, MASH, P-Men, or FKs in Week 4, we would be 4-0.  The scheduling just isn't working out for us this year." 

"I'd also like to point out that we have the highest Points Allowed in the league as well.  Maybe the commissioner could add a tab to his GM/Coach rating spreadsheet called, Crappy Luck Rating and figure out how many wins I would have if the team I played scored just the average of all teams that week...."

"As for the GM grade, I'm perplexed as to how I could have a mere 'B' rating while the P-Men have the highest rating in the league.  Hello?? Did anyone notice the trade I pulled off with the P-Men?  Getting a stud QB in Warner and a re-emerging #1 back in the Deuce while unloading a backup RB and a WR who is having a crappy season - Andre Johnson.  That should have immediately elevated me to the best GM in the league."

As for the Arches, after a dominant week 1 win, they hav scored successively fewer points in each week since, culminating in Sunday's 72 point disaster. Quarterback play remains the Arches strong suit as Jay Cutler put up a respectable 27 points but Todd Heap and the Jaguars Defense posted goose eggs and second wide receiver Sidney Rice pooped out a meager 1.1 points.

Looking to reverse his team's fortunes, Coach Archbold pulled the trigger on a controversial late week trade that sent emerging star Steve Slaton to the M*A*S*H for injured tight end Jeremy Shockey.

"The only thing keeping the Arches from domination is my tight end position, " defended Archbold. "Shockey is now two weeks into his rehab so should be back shortly (hopefully). 

"They laughed when I drafted Slaton - and they laugh now when I trade him for an injured player! "

The Arches will look to get back on track next week against the Fitzies while the Blacks battle the Nufers.

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 3
TCTers Speak!
Blast FKers in First Press Release of the Season

Craigoleague Illustrated September 21, 2008

"So far we are pleased with our team.  Two out of three weeks we broke 100 points and the third we had around 95.  Week 1 was a tough loss to Leon, but both teams played well and we played out best players and the better team won. Week 2 was tough. As we told our players, when you play a team as weak as the Blacks, you tend to play down to their level, which we did, but were still able to get a win."

"As for this week, it is always great to beat the snot out of FKers.  It was cute how Coach Leshinski  thought a healthy Tomlinson would have brought him a win.  But his team is a one man show and he counts on LT to rack up 45 points to get a win."

"We would, however, like to apologize to the FKers about the mix up with their practice.  We had to rearrange their Saturday practice time at the field to accommodate the Vice President Palin appearance.  But the look on his face was priceless as we told him the 20,000 fans in the stadium were not there to see him practice, but instead to see her.  We probably shouldn't have had the caterers serve Moose Stew for him.  Also, it probably wasn't nice to give her VIP seats right behind his bench.  He seemed agitated with that."

"So while we are happy with this weeks game, we were disappointed the New York Times headline the next day stating "Bush Appointed Referees Steal Victory from Fighting Kielbasas" .  The worst part when the part of the article that said "Steve Leshinski, the top FKer tells us that people inside the TCTer organization told him that TCTer management thinks that 'blacks are weak'", clearly taking our comments out of context. "

"The only part of the article that we agreed with Steve on was his comments about the continual name changes for the former Swank, former Mash soon to be know as the symbol ()*() .  He put it well with "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig!"  Although, apparently he has been uttering that in response to everything recently. "

The loss keeps the Dejers winless on the season.

"As far as losing to the Arches, well, it's just weird.  These types of things usually happen in 3's... just freaky!" said Caoch Dejongh after the game. "Nobody is panicking yet, though. That will most likely happen if we should lose this weekend."

Larry Fitzgerald has been the offensive glue all season for the Maniacs and on Sunday he scored 20 points to move into second place in the wide receiver rankings.

"A good start to the season, no doubt, " said Coach Matthews as he munched on a bowl of MarinO's. "It was sweet revenge on the Sharks after they ruined our season last year. I didn't need Ronnie Brown's 5 touchdowns but it's nice to know I've got that in my pocket. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm taking the team over to J.T. O' Sullivan's for a few drinks and some chicken wings. "

For the Leoniums, Coach Hirth scored the first coaching F of the season as his laissez faire management style was able to capitalize on just 60% of his potential offense against the Blacks, primarily by benching Matt Forte (30 pts) in favor of Thomas Jones (6.4 pts).

Coach Hirth was unavailable for comment.

"Domination of the Swank again - how many is that now?  Four? I own them. "

"So far so good on the season, but I need more from my WR's. I am in trouble this week as Willie Parker maybe out for a few weeks. "

As for the Swank, who, with injuries to Tom Brady, Nate Burleson, Marques Colston and now Jeremy Shockey, changed their team name to M*A*S*H 07728, Coach Mangel had just one comment for the press: "BITE ME!"

More bad news was on the radar for the defending champs as franchise back Brian Westbrook has popped up on injury reports this week with a strained ankle and is questionable for this week's game.

Responding to speculation that Brian Westbrook's strained ankle may be the result of overusing the talented running back, Nufers head coach Doug Nufer released a statement Monday defending his practice of using the superstar on rushing plays, passing plays, kickoff returns, punt returns, movie returns, grocery runs, and home repairs. "Brian is a great young talent, and the team doctors say he can still do a lot for this team, both on the field and around my house," Nufer said of the multi-tasking back who currently leads the league in yards raked. "Naturally, situations will dictate how he's used, but you can expect to see him playing an increased role around my household. Any coach in this league would love to have a player who can put an entire team or bedroom set on his back and carry them into the postseason or attic." Westbrook, who spent Tuesday's practice washing Nufer's car at a Boston area self-service car wash, said that his injured ankle wouldn't affect his aggressive cleaning style.

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 2
Arches Lose!
Undefeated Season Over as Winning Streak Ends at One

Craigoleague Illustrated September 14, 2008

"A huge comeback indeed, " said Coach Matthews after the game. "I went into the draft with a specific strategy to get back to the run and shoot offense this year and so far it is working. I'm very happy with the huge game from the dynamic duo particularly against a good D like the Arches. Bodes well (knock on wood) for the remainder of the year but right now, from our perch on top of the Craigoleague standings, things are looking pretty, pretty good. "

As for the Arches, their dreams of an undefeated season withered with L.J. smith's anemic 1.5 effort in holding off the Romo-Owens combination of the Sharks on Monday night. Franchise Arch Randy Moss also spit the bit, catching just two passes, wasting a 350 yard, 4 touchdown day by quarterback Jay Cutler. 

"I guess I played the wrong Moss this week, " said Archbold, referring to bench warmer Santana Moss' 28.8 points. "I mean - What the F? 3 points against the Jets? Once again my franchise player burns me. And LJ Smith - how does the guy only catch one pass in a game where both
teams decided not to field a defense? "

"I think we're going to have to take out some frustrations on the Dejer's this weekend. "

"I like the way the squad is playing, " said Coach Pinsky. "Stay the course and avoid injury. It's a good thing we have a bye this week to rest my starters. Oh wait, I'm sorry, we are playing the Swank, same difference. I cannot believe that the Guru has the Swank as a favorite. "

"Well things went from bad to worse this week for the Dejer squad, " responded Coach DeJongh. "First we had 3 of my starters forced to the sidelines due to Hurricane Ike. Then my back up receiver, De-Idiot Jackson, forgets that he needs to cross the goal line before spiking the ball, costing me a touchdown. How was I to know that Jackson's idol is Leon Lett?! Luckily, that did
not end up costing me the game or he would be trade bait right now."

"Lucky for me we got the Arches on the schedule this week, and nothing cures a broken team more than a game against the Arches."

The defending punching bag Fitzies, however, remain winless and are now 2-14 since defeating the Fighting Kielbasas in the 2006 Super Bowl. Brandon Marshall was outstanding, with 16 catches for 116 yards and a score but could not overcome Derek Anderson's meager 9 points at quarterback. 

The Fitzies will try to turn things around versus the Nufers next week while the Leoniums litigate against the Blacks.

The Blacks, meanwhile, struggled behind the sore shoulder of Ben Roethlisberger, who put up just 17 points. The Blacks have been getting poor production from the top of their draft as first and second round picks Maurice Jones Drew and Laurence Maroney have averaged just under 8 points per game between them

Next up the Blacks battle the Leoniums while the TCTers take on the arch-rival Fighting Kielbasas.

The only down spot for the Kielbasas was newly acquired tight end Anthony Fasano, who posted a goose egg, prompting the following response from a fellow owner, familiar with the Dolphins situation,:"Ha ha, Anthony Fasano - what a maroon!"

"I remember making the move, " Opined Coach Leshinski, "And my GM saying to me, 'if the guy was any good I would have drafted him.' Kind of the same look he gave me when I played McNabb against the Cowboys over Manning vs. the Rams.What was I thinking? "

As for the hapless Swank, Coach Mangel issued the following succinct statement to the fans, "MY TEAM SUCKS! "

"It's going to be a tough game next week, " admitted Coach Matthews. "Not just for the Craigomaniac players but for the fans as well. I mean, the Sharks are so solid there is really not a lot to make fun of. Take their quarterback, Tony Romo. Romo, Romo... I mean what can you do with that? The best I've heard our fans come up with is "Romo the Slomo" but we've got until Sunday - I'm sure our fans will come up with something."

As for the defending Super Bowl champs, Coach Nufer summed up his season by saying, "Palmer is killing me. I can't believe I drew two losses to begin the season. "

The Nufers will look to get on track next week against the winless Fitzies.

Craigoleague 2008 - Week 1
Arches Smash!
Incredible Arches Break Tom Brady 
in Offensive Rampage Over Swank

Craigoleague Illustrated September 7, 2008

"Something has gone terribly wrong......did we win an opening day matchup? " sai a stunned coach Archbold afterwards. "Could week one mark a return to the glory day?.  If memory serves, the last time the Arches were competitive, it was with the Dirty Bird.  We'll have to see how things go in week 2. "

Not content with just defeating their competition, the Arches dismantled them, destroying Swank franchise player Tom Brady's knee and knocking Marques Colston out for 6 weeks and Nate Burleson out for the year.

As Swank coach Al Mangel put it, "In the immortal words of Ron's favorite singer...Cher..."If I could turn back time..."

"O.K....let's set the scene...

7:10pm...Wednesday...August 27th...Craigoleague draft about to begin...that is once Steve tells the Yenta's at his table to shut up...

Commissioner Matthews: Swank...are you keeping anyone?
Swank: Nope...
Commiss: Excuse me?  
Swank: You heard me...Nope!
...chatter in the background...(Idiot!...Putz!...Buffoon!)
Commiss: Ok...then...what is your 1st pick....
Swank: I'll take Marion Barber...
...cut to end of round 2...
Commish: Swank is up for 2...
Swank: I'll take Michael Turner and Willie Parker
...cut to end of round 4...
Swank: I'll take a chance with Donovan McNabb...He can't get hurt every year...

Well...that is how I would replay the draft if I could!  Please advise where I need to send my check...

Honey...are we all out of tissues?

We are now officially changing our team name from "SWANK" to "M*A*S*H* 07728"

"Too busy campaigning for Barack Obama to comment at length, " said Coach Leshinski in a statement to the press, "But basically McNabb has got to do much better if we're going to have a good season. "

As for the defending Punching Bag Fitzsies, it was a rough start to the 2008 season. Franchise back Joseph Addai gained just 44 yards rushing and number one receiver Braylon Edwards caught just 2 passes.

The Fitzies will look to get into the win column next week against the Leoniums while the FKers take on the wounded Swank.

"I was rooting for him, " admitted Pinsky when asked about Manning, "but felt good in my decision.  At the end of year, he will be in top 5 in scoring. "

"The team came out strong this week to avenge our Super Bowl loss.  We have to build momentum on this and if my WR's and TE contributed a bit more, I would have had a huge day. Pity that the entire Swank team is on IR. "

Asked for comment, Coach Nufer replied, "I can't complain as I basically came up on the winning end of that match up when it counted most.  Still kicking myself not starting Favre, which would have made the decision.  A quarterback controversy is definitely in the works if Palmer doesn't step it up. Hopefully things will continue to progress."

Speaking of quarterbacks, perhaps no one in the game can sympathize what the Swank are going through better than Coach Nufer. The Coach kept Vinny Testaverde as his franchise QB in 1999 after Testaverde's awesome season in 1998. Vinny  played half of one game and was done for the season and the Nufers never recovered, finishing 2-12 behind Kordell Stewart and Rick Mirer.  Nufer was asked if he had any advice for Coach Mangel as he heads towards the same kind of season

"Never protect a QB, " said Nufer. "There are not enough good RBs out there and you are way too exposed if your QB goes down. "

As for the Dejers, Coach DeJongh suffered a big hit when his star running back was a late scratch.

"I'd just like to know what happened to McGahee!" said an exasperate coach DeJongh. "One moment we're in the locker room finishing up our pep talk and he's heading up the tunnel to the field and that's the last we saw of him.  We had to pull Rudi Johnson out of the hot tub just so we could have a second RB. "

The Dejers will look to cool off the P-Men while the Sharks host the Arches next week.

"That was a real nail-biter, but needless to say I am happy with the results, " said Coach Hirth. "Everyone contributed. It was a nice team effort.  Now, on to
week 2. "

As for the TCTers, they received a strong game from Marion Barber (26.8 points) and a solid team effort as all the starters scored in double digits. The team's undoing was quarterback matt Hasselbeck, who threw for just 190 yards and 16.9 ponts.

The TCTers will look to rebound next week against the Blacks while the Leoniums take on the Fitzes.

Thanks to a shaky performance from David Garrard, the Maniacs were unable to pull away, however, and clung to a slim lead going into the late games. Jason Witten and Larry Fitzgerald were able to hold off the Blacks' Patrick Crayton and Vincent Jackson and the Maniacs escaped with the win.

"The cream always rises to the top, " said Coach Matthews after the game. "Its good to get the win but we're going to have to get more out of our offense than 84 points. I kind of feel like Coach Fitzsimmons after his funnel drinking victory in 1990 - I won but I don't feel too good. "

As Matthews was speaking he called David Garrard over to him. 

"Hey David! How's the arm?" he asked.

"Feels good coach!" responded Garrard.

"Great!" replied Matthews, "Then take this game plan over to Aaron Rodgers - he's starting next week. "

Craigoleague 2008
Season Preview

Craigoleague Illustrated September 4,2008

Arches
All-Time:         64-92  .410
Last Season:    6-8
Front Office
Coach/Owner: Paul Archbold
Special Advisor on Player Injuries: Cris Carter

By charging out of the gate at 4-3 the Arches almost put six straight losing seasons behind them by making the playoffs. Almost. By week 9 the old Arch magic had kicked in and the team lost 3 games down the stretch, despite scoring more than 105 points in each, and once again made fools of the prognosticators at CI who predicted a Super Bowl championship for the team. 

Still, it was progress and on draft day Coach Archbold rewarded the team's best player by making Randy Moss the first wide receiver franchise player in league history. Moss comes off an awesome 98 catch, 1,493 yard, 23 touchdown season and will look to repeat those numbers in 2008 as he tries to lead the Arches to a winning season.  

Helping Moss make the run at history will be emerging stars Jay Cutler and pre draft sleeper favorite, Calvin Johnson. At running back, the team finally jettisoned Rudi Johnson after 3 seasons that saw him finish as the second most prolific back in Arch history but a disaster of a franchise player last year. Youngsters Michael Turner and Marshawn Lynch will carry the load instead. Veteran tight end Todd Heap rounds out the attack.

What does 2008 have in store for the league's most snakebit franchise? Well, Coach Archbold was too busy gorging himself on Fish & Chips and a healthy portion of an unaware Coach Pinsky's french fries at the post draft dinner to reveal much but CI likes what it sees. Lynch, Heap and Turner should be solid enough to keep games close for Cutler and Moss to make the kind of explosive plays that win games. Besides, the math is undeniable; the Arches have now missed the playoffs for seven straight years - what are the odds on a team missing the playoffs for eight straight years? CI predicts only one thing for the Arches in 2008: a Super Bowl championship.

Probable Lineup: 
Jay Cutler
Marshawl Lynch
Michael Turner
Randy Moss
Calvin Johnson
Todd Heap
Josh Brown
Jaguars

All Time Arches

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Michael Vick, QB

Blacks
All-Time:      71-83  .461
Last Season:  7-7
Front Office
Coach/Owner: Greg Black
Director of Player Personnel: Zeron Flemister

Probable Lineup:
Ben Roethlisberger
Maurice Jones-Drew
Laurence Maroney
Steve Smith
Patrick Crayton
Tony Gonzalez
David Akers
New York Giants

All Time Blacks

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Brett Favre, QB

Craigomaniacs
All-Time:        105-79  .571
Last Season:   8-6
Front Office
Coach/Owner: Craig Matthews
Offensive Coordinator: Bernie Kosar
Quarterbacks Coach: Dan Marino
                          Running Backs Coach: Terrell Davis

In 2007 the Craigomaniacs rode a second half offensive explosion to return to the playoffs after a four year drought for the league's winningest franchise. After a 4-3 start, the team went 5-2  in the second half, averaging a league best 125.4 ppg over that span.

Coach Matthews hopes to keep the momentum going in 2008 behind the returning running back tandem of Steven Jackson and Ryan Grant. From weeks 10 through 16 last year Jackson and Grant scored the 3rd and 4th most points in the league respectively.

"We're going to have to do it a little differently this year, " admitted Coach Matthews. "Last year's approach was to let Drew Brees and Steven Jackson put up the points and try to fill things in around them. We  would have loved to have Brees back this year but knew, realistically, he would be gone before we picked in the second round. Instead, we were thrilled to see Ryan Grant fall to us and were even more thrilled to back him up with the Ronnie Brown-Ricky Williams combo. At receiver, Fitzgerald gives us a solid big play threat and while we reached a little for Jerricho Cotchery he was a guy I really wanted on the team. We are also thrilled to have back Bobby Engram who quietly had a 94 catch, 1,000 yard season last year. At tight end, with the injury issues to Winslow, Heap and Gates and with Gonzo's quarterback situation we felt Jason Witten was the only sure thing and so had to grab him. "

"At quarterback I am going to lean heavily on one guy - Dan Marino. He is going to have to work all his magic to make something out of the poop pile I've thrown at him this year. Garrard, Pennington, Rodgers, Jackson... is Bernie Kosar still available?"

While seventh round pick David Garrard is the nominal starter, the Maniacs have announced that there will be an open competition at quarterback this year. Insiders say that Matthews is pulling for cagey vet Chad Pennington to win the starting job, citing the team's specially commissioned scouting report which pointed out a number of Pennington's strengths, noting "He is extremely accurate as his passes are so slow he can run up to them and correct them in mid flight" and "Will probably never break receivers fingers, barring some sort of mishap with a hammer."

"We might have another shaky start as we search for a winning formula but we'll be in the mix at the end, " said Matthews. "As for the rest of the league, every team has its weaknesses but my old rivals the Nufers are looking like a good bet to repeat as champs."

Probable Lineup:
David Garrard/Aaron Rodgers/Chad Pennington/Tavaris Jackson
Steven Jackson
Ryan Grant
Larry Fitzgerald
Jericho Cotchery
Jason Witten
Mike Nugent
Buccaneers

All Time Craigomaniacs

Will Never Play for the Team Again

Travis Taylor, WR

Dejers
All-Time:     86-84  .506
Last Season: 7-7
Front Office
Coach/Owner: Mark DeJongh
Quarterbacks Coach: Jim Harbaugh
Running Backs Coach: Zombie Walter Payton

The results of last year's blockbuster trade between the Dejers and Fitzies may not be measured for years to come but 2008 will go a long way to settling the debate as to who got the better of the Frank Gore for Joseph Addai trade. Both teams missed the playoffs last year but both teams also held onto their running back as their franchise player in 2008. Gore is more of a question mark than Addai and so will have more to prove to the fans to justify his status as the main Dejer.

At quarterback, Marc Bulger returns to a team for the first time in his 6 seasons as a starter as he rejoins the Dejers for whom he starred in 2004. Steady Willis McGahee will pair with Gore to form the rushing attack while Andre Johnson and Santonio Holmes give the team a solid one two punch for Bulger to throw to.

Coach DeJongh addressed his draft on his nationally syndicated Deje and the Mad Dog show.

"Overall, I'm pleased with this years team.  I'm a little thin in the RB position, especially with Rudi Johnson's situation, but what else is new.  I'm not one to utilize the franchise tag very frequently but wound up doing just that with Frank Gore because all of my consultants convinced me that last year was a fluke and he should return to form this year...
I'll be watching the statistics very closely this year between Joseph Addai (whom I traded last year and most certainly would have retained) and Gore.

"My preseason pick to win it all is the Fitzies.  A good balanced team with no real weakness. 

"As for a message for the fans: sorry about the PSLs, but there really
was no choice as I was not about to give up my personal jet. "

Probable Lineup:
Marc Bulger
Frank Gore
Willis McGahee
Andre Johnson
Santonio Holmes
Vernon Davis
Robbie Gould
Cowboys

All Time Dejers

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Fighting Kielbasas
All-Time:       52-32  .619
Last Season: 10-4
Front Office
Coach/Owner: Steve Leshinski
Media Relations Director: Stanley Polkainski 

In an apparent attempt to raise his morale and that of his team, Fighting Kielbasas owner Steve Leshinski released a statement Monday saying that his own personal 6'10" height was superior to that of the rest of the league. "I have successfully out-stood every other owner in the league when it comes to tallness," Leshinski's statement read in part. "That is a fact. And I get taller when I raise my arms, and taller again when I jump. The rest of the league is good, except for the TCTers, but there is nothing they can do about me in the department of being full-grown." TCTer coach Tim Frament responded to Leshinski's statement by saying that, while Leshinski was a very tall owner indeed and had displayed great height in the past, it remained to be seen whether he was taller than the TCTers when they were playing well.

Regardless, the FKers once again will build their offense around the boundless talent of LaDainian Tomlinson, now the most tenured franchise player in the league. Leshinski will lean even more heavily on LT in 2008 as he will be the only running back employed most games as the offense is expected to go run and shoot most of the year with Reggie Wayne, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Wes Welker. To compensate, Leshinski used the last 5 picks in the draft on running backs in hopes of finding a diamond in the rough.

Leshinski spoke to the press after the draft. "I think once again I am the team to beat. Playing the Fitzies, TCTers and Swank twice each gives my team a boost, and carrying 17 backs is only going to help me in the long haul. FK - change you can believe in!"  

Probable Lineup:
Donovan McNabb
LaDainian Tomlinson
Reggie Wayne
T.J. Houshmandzadeh
Wes Welker
Heath Miller
Nate Kaeding
Packers

All Time Fighting Kielbasas

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Randy Moss

Fitzies
All-Time:    92-76  .548
Last Season:  2-12
Super Bowl Champs
Front Office
Coach/Owner: James Fitzsimmons
Tight Ends Coach: Shannon Sharpe

The 2008 Fitzies have nowhere to go but up. After a stirring 2006 Super Bowl victory the Fitzies hit rock bottom with a franchise first punching bag performance. All was not lost, however as Coach Fitzsimmons, one of the league's shrewdest traders, pulled off a deal that brought in franchise back Joseph Addai. Addai will team with last year's ppg leader Earnest Graham to form a powerful running game.

Derek Andersen will look to prove last year was no fluke at quarterback and combines with Braylon Edwards to give the Fitzies a devastating double up combination for every touchdown pass they record. Brandon Marshall and Owen Daniels round out the team that should be one of the toughest in the league this year.

Probable Lineup:
Derek Anderson
Joseph Addai
Earnest Graham
Braylon Edwards
Brandon Marshall
Owen Daniels
Phil Dawson
Vikings

All Time Fitzies

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Terrell Owens, Terrell Owens and Terrell Owens.

Leoniums
All-Time:   80-60  .571
Last Season:  7-7

Front Office
Coach/Owner: Leon Hirth
Director of Average Players Who put on an Incredible Run Late in the Season to Take their Team to the Playoffs: Steve Beuerlein

The league dodged a bullet this year as Coach Hirth contemplated retiring from the league after a 10 season run. Only a talk with Sharks Coach Mark Matthew, who counseled him to "phone it in" this year brought the owner back to the league.

"The fans can enjoy our new west coast attitude, " said Hirth. "Its all good."

Helping put Hirth on autopilot will be Mr. Consistent, Peyton Manning. Hirth wasted no time in grabbing Manning on the rebound after Coach Pinsky unceremoniously dumped his franchise qb and made him available in the first round. Manning was asked during training camp what were some of the differences between the two teams.

"Mostly the terminology is different, " he said, "You know, the phrasing that an offense uses. For example, with the P-Men, I would say 'Pipe down, Coach Pinsky, and let me call the play',  whereas here I have to remember to say, 'Pipe down, Coach Hirth, and let me call the play. And like after the game remembering to say Coach Hirth cost us the game instead of saying Coach Pinsky cost us the game. Just little things like that. "

As for the Leoniums, what would the league have done if Coach Hirth had left the CLf with just 11 teams? We'll never know but one suggestion came in to boot out the last team that joined to keep things at an even number of teams. The league would not reveal the author of the note to protect the anonymity of its author but did mention it was smeared with chicken wing sauce and had three signatures on it.

Probable Lineup:
Peyton Manning
Clinton Portis
Thomas Jones
Plaxico Burress
Anquan Boldin
Greg Olsen
Neil Rackers
Patriots

All Time Leoniums

Will Never Play for The Team Again

None

Nufers
All-Time:      96-88  .522
Last Season: 9-5
Super Bowl Champs
Front Office
Coach/Owner: Doug Nufer
Director of Player Personnel: Andre Rison
                        Wide Receivers Coach: Andre Reed

After 13 years the Nufers brought home a Super Bowl trophy to their fans last year and several key members of the team will return to defend their title. Super Bowl hero Brandon Jacobs joins franchise player Brian Westbrook in the  backfield while Kelen Winslow, fresh off his breakout season, returns at tight end.

Marvin Harrison and Hines Ward give it a classic Nufers look at wide receiver as the two have a combined 24 years of experience in the league. The biggest cheers on draft day, however, came when Coach Nufer used his seventh round selection on the architect of their championship run, Brett Favre. It was unclear whether Favre would return to play another year after reaching the pinnacle of his career with the Nufer championship and he did retire, briefly, in the offseason. Maybe you heard about it. 

"I love being a football player, I love being a quarterback, and I love being a Nufer, " said Favre at the time. "But one thing my wife and I have talked about is that I love retirement, too."

Favre attempted Monday to explain his recent actions concerning his recent reversal of his decision to retire by holding a press conference in which he explained his lifelong love for quitting things briefly before resuming those same things after a certain interval of time had passed. "I'm just that kind of guy, I guess—a gunslinger on one hand, but on the other, a man who knows when to stop, at least at first, but then it turns out I really didn't know when to stop after all," Favre said. "I guess you could say I'm a guy who quits, then realizes I don't know the meaning of the word quit."

Probable Lineup:
Carson Palmer
Brian Westbrook
Brandon Jacobs
Marvin Harrison
Hines Ward
Kellen Winslow
Stephen Gostkowski
Ravens

All Time Nufers

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Any running back for Philly as long as Andy Reid is at the helm.  

P-Men
All-Time:         85-83  .506
Last Season:     8-6

Front Office
Coach/Owner: Ron Pinsky

The most pivotal moment of the off season occurred at, of all places, Coach Pinsky's front porch. A tuxedo clad Peyton Manning arrived at Pinsky's house on the eve of the annual franchise player's banquet but his smile turned to a quizzical expression as he found a large black man standing on the porch instead. Manning watched as the front door opened and a blinged out Coach Pinsky, complete with sideways baseball cap, gold capped grill and Flava Flav style clock necklace greeted the P-Men's new franchise player, Adrian Peterson with an elaborately choreographed high five.

Reportedly Pinsky only noticed his former quarterback after Manning dropped the BFF ring he was going to present to the coach.

"Well... this... is... awkward, " said Pinsky. "Didn't you get my text message?"

"Let's just go, Peyton, " said Coach Hirth who had dropped Manning off at Pinsky's house. Manning was unavailable for comment but Pinsky did speak to the press. 

"Peyton told me he was thinking of retiring at the end of our super bowl loss. This is a business, " said Pinsky in reference to the player who had taken the P-Men to 5 playoffs, 3 Super Bowls and 2 world championships in his 9 years with the team. "We have a new stadium to pay for and the fans are energized for AP.  Peyton was and is my all time everything player.  We wish him well... but not too well and look forward to him joining our staff as the GM when his playing days are over. "

The P-Men are just 3-7 without Manning since his arrival on the team and clearly how the team performs without him this year will be the key to the season. Drew Brees is as solid a replacement as there is, however, and with Peterson racking up the yardage those two may be enough to win games on their own. The receiving corps will be manned by veterans Torry Holt and Roy Williams while Chris Cooley looks to provide a spark at tight end.

"The current team is well rounded, but thin on the reserves, " said Pinsky. "The Drew Brees era has officially begun.  I look forward to playing the Swank to load up on my statistics. As for the rest of the league, the Craigomaniacs and Sharks look formidable. "

Probable Lineup:
Drew Brees
Adrain Peterson
Willie Parker
Torry Holt
Roy Williams
Chris Cooley
Mason Crosby
Chargers

All Time P-Men

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Fred Taylor, RB 
Tatum Bell, RB

Sharks
All-Time:        85-101  .457
Last Season:  8-6
Front Office
Coach/Owner/President: Mark Matthews
Manservant: Wayne Chrebet
Special Assistant to the President/Director of Cool: Joe Namath

How 'bout them Sharks? Coach Mark Matthews will lean heavily on the Cowboys connection in 2008, using his top two draft picks on Joe Namath heir Tony Romo and superstar wideout Terrell Owens. On the days Romo throws two or more touchdown passes to Owens the Sharks will be nearly unbeatable. It's the rest of the games the team needs to worry about.

The Sharks are the spiritual godfathers of the run and shoot, as they were not only the first to embrace it as more than a bye week fill in offense, but also its most effective practitioner as well. Look for them to lean heavily on it this year as well as the strength of the team lies with the wide receiver corps of Owens, Chad Johnson and Roddy White while the running backs are thin, relying on Reggie Bush as the lynchpin and rookie Kevin Smith as the number two.

"Sharks ownership is very excited at this year's whole new team, " said Matthews at his preseason press conference, while stating that rumors that the he drafted Tony Romo purely to have Jessica Simpson in the owner's box are completely unfounded.

Probable Lineup:
Tony Romo
Reggie Bush
Kevin Smith
Terrell Owens
Chad Johnson
Dallas Clark
Nick Folk
Steelers

All Time Sharks

Will Never Play for The Team Again

Fred Taylor, RB 
Terrell Owens, WR
Keyshawn Johnson, WR

Swank
All-Time:      74-80  .481
Last Season:  8-6
Front Office
Coach/Owner: Al Mangel

Tom Brady was all universe last year, throwing for an astounding 50 touchdowns wth just 8 interceptions as he led the Swank to the playoffs. It all came crashing down there, however, as Brady, who set an all-time record for points scored with 551, completed just 14-of-27 passes for 140 yards with zero touchdowns and one interception. It was the first game he failed to throw a touchdown pass all season and the first time he was held under 200 passing yards.

Brady and Coach Mangel will be looking for revenge in 2008 as Brady and superstar wideout Marques Colston will look to get the team back to the post season. At running back, after striking gold with Marshawn Lynch last year, the Swank will again go the rookie well with Darren McFadden to pair with aging veteran Jamal Lewis.

Coach Mangel was asked by the press what he thought of his team's chances this year.

Probable Lineup:
Tom Brady
Jamal Lewis
DarrenMcFadden
Marques Colston
Bernard Berrian
Jeremy Shockey
Adam Viniatieri
Seahawks

All Time Swank

Will Never Play for The Team Again

DeShaun Foster will never play for the Swank again...He's a pussy!  

TCTers
All-Time:        71-83  .461
Last Season:   4-10

Front Office
Coach/Owner: Chris Pace
Coach/Owner: Tony Santa Barbara
                         Coach/Owner: Tim Frament

After a respectable 3-3 start to the 2007 season the TCTers fell apart down the stretch, losing 7 of their last 8 games and coming a Fitzie away from being punching bag.

To help lead the team back from the dead, the trigger men welcomed Matt Hasselbeck back to the team after a 3 year hiatus. Hasselbeck had the best year of his career last season and will look to youngsters Greg Jennings and Dwayne Bowe as his main targets. Larry Johnson will look to prove his critics wrong as the back no one wanted to draft joins Marion Barber to form a potent rushing attack. At ight end, fan favorite Antonio Gates returns for his fourth tour of duty with the team.

Of all the Craigoleague teams, the TCTers look like the one with the most obstacles to overcome and the most most question marks heading into the season. Johnson is overworked and playing for a terrible team, Barber has never been a solo back, Bowe is just a second year man, Jennings is without Favre, Hasselbeck's targets are all injured and Gates is not fully recovered from his foot injury which hobbled him last year.

Still, if the TCTer coaches can put their weight behind this team there is no telling how far they can take them.

Probable Lineup:
Matt Hasselbeck
Larry Johnson
Marion Barber
Greg Jennings
Dwayne Bowe
Antonio Gates
Shayne Graham
Bears

All Time TCTers

Will Never Play for The Team Again

If we think a player can help us we will draft them.  The TCTers have a policy of giving additional chances; our best examples being Tony and Tim.