If I knew what that meant I'd wee your pants.

comic sans ms!

true - they'd only have knocked the hymn books onto the floor and fallen in the font.

well if they were on their way to church they're better off dead i say!

I thought of a pic combo this morning with those two and one other but I can't remember what the other was - it was so funny I crashed the car killing about a dozen blind orphans who were on their way to church. f*ck em, I say.

HAHAHAH.

thats my new funniest pic. thanks man

hahahahaha!

what pic's that bio?

tree - where's the cying baby pic?

seriously. i was a soap gag virgin. thanks smellyjim

:oI

:OI

I'd never heard it either Jim, well not for about 2 years or so anyway

:OI

y'know..thats the first time i ever heard the soap gag.

bravo jim!

hehhehehe

'Scientists discover soap gag was integral factor of Big Bang'

We sent a shard of the gag to the labs at MIT for a carbon-dating test. Expecting a routine investigation, MIT's Professor Ollie Wigwambum was astounded at what the test revealed:
"Astonishing, absolutely astonishing. We've had to rewrite the envelope for this one. Our pre-Big Bang theories have taken a mighty jolt. It would appear that whatever fuel ignited the Big Bang explosion, well, some huge powerful force was getting its energy from what we know recognise as boulevard comedy..."

A teenage jaunt on the hill overlooking the village of Montignac was to materialise into one of the most renowned archaeological discoveries of the XXth Century.

In the middle of the woods, above the Lascaux manor, a hole had opened up following the fall of a big pine tree several years before.

After enlarging the hole, they slipped through the narrow crevice then tumbled down a big pile of rocks which hid the original entrance to the cave...

From the foot of this formation they ventured into a larger space which is now called the Great Hall of the Bars of Soap Gag.

...On the seventh day, God looked at what he had created, and saw it was good. "What shall I do now?" quoth He. "I know - make up a joke about soap."

Fnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk! *Starts blowing snot bubbles through laughing so hard*

the oldest joke ever?

"This must be one of the best weeks ever on Time Team..."

hahahahahaha

What expletiveer added 'aye verily' to the title?

Heard it.

we need this; it's group therapy.

Pixies: Can we delete this thread now please :O)

How? Have computers been invented yet?

beria: please can we ban jim?

no chance best thread ever

Pixies: Can we delete this thread now please :O)

fnaarp

And lo he spake: 'In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap...'

and he had.

verilly

"And lo, on the seventh day, did the LORD notice the six bars of soap on the shelf under the shaving mirror. And the LORD was much vexed"

Many's the laffs I've had with this story and a barrel full of mead

Hahaha! Ethelred and Watt will be miffed. I bet them eight bushels of corn that nobody would ever tell that joke again.

he's a big lad with a good SOH he can take it

sorry, jim.

mioght I suggest a new term for ROI?

Smellyjim

*kissy*

*gone*

Bastards.

*says* Jeez Jim, that's, like, really old and shit.

*thinks* I know you'd never heard it and it made you chuckle, but keep quiet and nobody will know, you damn fool.

No Jim, read his post and it's FACKING OBVIOUS what he finds funny, you FACKING DULLARD

Mardy…I take it you mean at the soap story and NOT the relentless piss taking that followed, if not, you can FACK OFF

hehehe. fack off

i sense you've been having problems...with your sense of humour...

this has to go on Best Of. The biggest ROI'ing in history

i didn't know they had feet, Chris

who nicks toiletries from hotels? i always take the room shoes

hehehhehehehe

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

By my reconing, that comes to the princely sum of 21 shillings and threpence - enough for 4 scoops of ale, a flagon of chips and a hansom cab back to the home counties, good sir! I bid you adieu!

hehehe you rotten bastards
This has made laugh like a expletiveing drain,
Sorry jim ;-)

I just wondered if the joke was older than you were...

Yes, I was Beria. You starting aswell?? :OI

I aim to please

Were you born in 1972, jim?

i'm suprised you haven't posted it again and claimed it as a scoop, satchy

That's got to be a record

hehehe

HAHAHAHAHA 1972!

Legend: The ongoing correspondence (and battle of wills) between a traveller and hotel maids. And all over a bar of soap.
Example: [Collected on the Internet, 1995]

*snip identical story with "Dial" instead of "Imperial Leather"*

Origins: How the story quoted above found its way onto the Internet remains a mystery, but who wrote it isn't. Renowned comic Shelley Berman has been using this bit in his act at least since 1980, and it appeared as a humor piece in his 1972 book A Hotel Is a Funny Place. Like many comedians, he draws material from incidents in his life, so it is within the realm of possibility that at least some small kernel of truth lies at the heart of this beloved piece.

Did such an exchange of letters really take place? Oh, probably not. But that needn't stop anyone from enjoying the thought that it might have.

must try harder

Yeah! See? expletive the lot of you, except Morgan and Chris and Kerkar and Ara.

like this?

it made me chuckle Jim, and I'd never heard it before

Except for you Moragn and Chris and Kerkar.

Leave it Jase, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

1994 i first got sent that

*ahem*

*reads soap story again*

Fine then, instead of sharing my jokes, I'll just put a picture of me up to get a laugh yeah? Well? Well, i hope you're all satisfied.

Gits, the lot of you.

you have got a funny face jim

:O) Cheeky sod.

for your face?

Thankyou Chris. I may support man u now.

If you could see the face I'm pulling now…

You'd all apologise

mr berman - it was the first time i'd read it - thanks - you are valued by some people here you know

So did i Kerkar. Never thought i'd see Starch stumped for words though, so its not all bad.

Older Than Sir Les Lins?

Chris: me or Mr Berman? :O?

*sulking*

the original version of that story started

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between the Ark and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Gomorrah Times.

well in the shop the other day there was a man telling me about a story that had happened to his mate on a building site

now you see he was trying to get some bricks to the top of a building using a pulley and........

*exits stage left*

hehehe. Poor old jimbo

god Jim look it's probably best if you just leave

fekkin ell jim

I hadn't heard that before, and it made me laugh.

i found it funny

Jim, words fail me.

see those hills? *points* they were all fields when that joke was as old as the donkeys on the hilss.

hehe. what a twat.

oh dear.

That's older than a very old thing, Jim

…posted by the last person you'd expect to find soap in any way amusing…

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the letters to the Sunday Times.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather.

Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.

I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.

The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily.

I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Maid,

I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.

I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.

If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM
and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00
PM. That's the reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr Kensedder if he could do
anything about those little bars of soap.

The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in
my medicine cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.

In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and to remove the extra soaps.

If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Kensedder,

My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing.

Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time
they service a room.

The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?

I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size
Imperial Leather.

Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here?

All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather.

Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.

S. Berman

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had
been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily.

I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.

I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:

* On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
* On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
* Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
* In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
* On the northeast corner of the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
* On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip.

May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather, which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman