I'll get one, do I get it from a black magic shop?

only if we're playing petanque

want to come to one at mine next month?

dunno, don't go to any tree

is that like a game for posh dinna parites markie?

It was an excellent thread and has re-afirmed my faith in this site

damn, another six months on here!

I would like to thank everyone involved in the petanque game. One of the best threads we've had for a long time.

I am now off home to sleep off the effects of several bottles of wine, cognac, calvados and pernod.

Hic.

only ever played when tipsy, so can't assess my competence

wipes excess vomit from neck of bottle and passes pernod around.

always has had - I met my girlfriend in that pub

after several `cognacs'

New Road in leicester has a petanque court, or whatever you call the thing you play boule son

dreamt Markie, forgetting Neill was still in the game

lobbed second boule

clashed with neills first one and bounced into crowd (asleep) injuring one small child

pass cognac?

and all the players went to sleep

half drunk bottles of bourgueil, pernod, cognac littered the square

the village burned gently from the effect of the napalm

All will be well in the morning

Good shot, sir! (Chuckles soberly. Launches first boule. It begins well but runs on, seven feet from jack.) Damn!

snore, snore, snore.

Laid out on park bench throwing up over Geordie laid out by riot squad an hour ago. Still clutches half empty bottle of pernod.

f.uck I am hammered

throws jack

throws first boule

lands six feet from jack

falls over

peaked cap falls off

Hic

Good man, that Clovis.

African kids jump clovis and give him a good rogering.

I likesh thish game. Hic.

Neill - dead men can't pour.

Shtaggers off to buy Pernod

Markie, old man, your throw. Pernod?

(South African kids shoot Neill and steal his tooth fillings)

"Sucker!"

no, you've been hit on the head by a clemmy that the big african kid just chucked.

Blood trickles from your temple....

(To African kids) Here you are, lads. (Hands out larges wads of cash). Now, if any of these nasty Brits come back you sort them out, right?

(sorry didn't read the thread)

Is it my go yet?

Africansh not throwing shtones propelry. Not landing near the jack.

Ouch

yungshters today I tell yush..

Local african kids start taunting petanque players and chucking stones

Shtaggers to Monoprix pour Calva, Calva erm a bottle of that apple shtuff.

Where the f.cuking Jack?

Shhhertainly

Cheersh!

Your go with the jack, Markie. Er, fancy a calvados?

I'll jusht top up the glasshes again firsht. Another one?

yesshh

can I hazh a go pleazhe

rishrt whoshe firstt?

I likesh thish game. Hic.

cheers Blowers

drains

falls over

cent!!

this is a role play alvin, not real life!!!

and what was the answer?

We found a set in France on the way home last week.

Genuine metal set - 16 quid. Sounded expensive to me, but probably worth it. A lot more expensive than the plastic ones, so we said to ourselves, "How often are we on the beach?"

glug, glug

Clovis, give Bobbins a large one.

but the place has been recked by barcodes and a City fan!!!

markie gets up

wanders over to blofeld waving empty glass

Although tempted to have a go, still feels embarrassed to try game himself. Settles back with newly purchased cognac and continues to watch the proceedings.

cognac arrives, lovely sound of the cork leaving the bottle, satisfying glug sound as the first glass is poured. Cognacs handed round.

I'm sure you can carry on playing lying down. (Checks rules). Yes, as long as you keep two feet in the ring.

cognac would be splendid (drains glass)

Spectator watches riot squad arrive and kick le merde out of les hooligans anglais.

markie can't get up after being chinned by one of geordies mates.

cant get up

Geordies mates start smashing up square after geordie unfairly arrested by the garlic munching coppers.

*Thread ends*

Hmm. Don't have congac. Runs over road to supermarché. Good game this petanque.

(belches, pats both hands on rather large stomach ......looks up to the sky ..... looks back down again ..... removes cap again and mops brow, replaces cap....sighs heavily).

falls over

(Reading rules). So, deux points a Markie. You to start then. Er, care for a cognac?

Spectator copies player. Sips wine, aussi.

sips wine

Spectator applauds gendarmes. Settles back on park bench avec bottle of Bordeaux to watch rest of game and work out - by watching experts - finer pioints of game.

picks up boule

launches backhand into square

lands no where near anything

bit pisshed now

finishes lunch...

I don't think so.

Genderme arrive and kick shit out of drunk Geordie, throw him in the local slammer and leave him there for a week.

Les Anglais, humph!!

Drunk geordie in Union Jack boxer shorts nicks petanque balls.

*Thread ends*

(Checks rules.) Er, Markie, you've got two in, and one boule left to throw I believe, no?

stubbs out Gauloises and returns to the square.

I'm actually trying to infiltrate your group in a 'spy' kind of a way in order to find your weaknesses.

DOH! I shouldn't have told you that!

Satch feeling guilty about napalming a whole square full of veterans

WW1 veterans

nope - just saw Where Eagles Dare on telly last weekend

oh, were you in the war?

looks over at the napalm - finding nothing of interest sips wine - closes eyes for a moment and thinks about the war

watch the napalm!

scratches arse and looks to find somewhere to sit to enjoy a Gauloise.

so f.ucking wooooohhhh off!

"gone to lunch"

baguette calls

f.ucking wooooooooooooooooooh!!!!!!!!

pas de problem monsieur

Je vais allez au dejeuner aussi

a-ha, dejeuner! Excuse-moi while I take the leetle animal back to the missus to cook for me.

wooooooooh!

"Je ne sais pas"

Shrugs shoulders in Gallic fashion

There was a leetle animal down there, I think I killed eet

blows smoke ring

Woooooooooooooooooh!!!!!!!!!!

ere, you boule's down 'an hole Markie, how'd that happen?

notes that first boule is winning, but that second boule is half buried down hole for some reason

looks on, admiring the quality of play, cursing the fact that arthritis had cut short a promising career

(sips at wine - momentarily distracted from the action by the librarian walking across the far side of the square to get her lunch - thinks about offering her a cup of tea sometime then dismisses it - smiles quietly to self - turns back to the game - sips wine)

Picks up wine glass

Drains

Refills

Launches boule toward jack

At crucial moment small animal comes out of hole and raises head into path of boule

RIP

Picks up second boule

Puts down wine glass

especially with that old bastard tractor

I got Ff3m for that heap of tin!!!

hehehehe

(bends double with fit of laughter)

(Checks rules again.) Oh it's me. (Throws third ball which fades horribly, the worst of the three). Tricky game, this.

old farmer Mervyn's just a little whippersnapper. He'll learn, mark my words he'll bloody lear....(cough, cough,hack,splutter, spits out a huge greenie and deposits it by his side), he'll learn, I tell you e'll bloody af to!!

"Can't hear you old chap, got this bloody suit on"

hehe at least I have disrupted the game and harmony of the afternoon. Job done

(leaves old people to their talk of piles and piss-stained underpants)

Er, who's go is it?

whose throw is it?

"So all old Farmer Mervyn may struggle a bit at first"

"Bit tricky to talk in these suits"

arse

distributes anti napalm protective body suits to crowd and players

game continues while all around burns

except the square, which is made of napalm proof square stuff

(place goes up in flames)

puts down wine glass

Bloody marvellous cheese, Blowers.

looks up

removes cap from head, takes a crinkled hankie out from trouser pocket to wipe sweat and grit of balding head.

Sighs.... watches on with interest.

(Checks rules). My shot then. (Delivers second ball even further away than first.) Bugger.

(flies plane full of Napalm over village and releases it)

"Ah me tractor? - sold the bastard to old farmer Meryvn - between you and me, he's new in the game, just moved in - we'll see how he gets on....."

"Where were we?"

picks up wine glass

Satch blown to shit.

BOOM

Good shot, Markie!

(runs)

mumble, mumble, not bad.

How's that tractor of your's Markie, still having problems?

(refills pipe from tobacco in pocket of old slightly ripped tweed jacket)

tick tick tick

those aren't murmers of approval - they are groans of agonising torment and pain

(throws grenade back)

puts down wine glass; picks up first boule

Gently levers arm back and with a crack of the wrist lands boule to within three feet of the jack

Murmers of approval around the square

Picks up wine glass.

(throws grenade)

Satch ..... you are a raving loon .... with a death wish .... why do have to kill everyone every single time?

sod off satch, we want a nice relaxing old codgers thread!

Did anyone hear gunfire?

nice day for it.

loads AK47, sprays area with bullets.

Leaves the dead and dying.

anyone care for some smelly cheese?

puffs on pipe, picks up wine glass, contemplates the "battle" zone carefully

picks up full wine glass

relaxes

Right, let's have a game then. (Throws jack, then first ball which lands about one metre to left). Oh shit.

just poping out to that dusty square in the middle of town to have a game with the other old timers. now where did I put my pipe?

bobbins ..... it's an old mans game ... oooeerrr suits you sir!

isn't it really called boules?
I have played it a bit
I do indeed know the rules
a) lots
b) lots
c) lots

The set I bought has 6 plastic balls (reasonably heavy) and 2 jacks. Cost = £1.95. I was looking at the cost of proper sets in a sports shop in France a few weeks back and decided I couldn't afford it.

And I found the rules too.

petanque

Beach bowls from what I can remember. In the late 70s we used to have a plastic set for on holiday on the beaches. 8 balls and a jack if I'm not mistaken.

Bit of a dab hand myself, actually.

Its bowls with metal balls

You deliver the ball backhand to give it backspin so it dugs into the surface.

It is best played on Sand in the South of France with a nice bottle of Bourgeouil

I just bought a petanque set.
Anyone else play?
Anyone know the rules?
How much wine do you have to drink
a) before
b) during
c) after

all help gratefully received.