it's taking 40% back to the old skool

this thread is very very funny

t'ra, tree. Give Beryl one for me.

see ya tree!

GEETAR!

Oh, I get it. Telly Savalas! Yeah! Hehehe. No, it's not him.

ohh... square geetars

bye

biopot and seany on the same thread.

what a treat!

*salutes*

off now. ta ta. nice chat x

hahahah me too, was always giving them the wrong presents at Christmas.

i always used to get telly savalas and yul brynner mixed up when i was a kid. i was really disappointed that the King in the King and I didn't have a lolly permanently in his gob.

yul fule

hahahaha seany!

Heavily sampled in Colourbox's 'Just give 'em Whisky'

oops - it's yul brynner is nt it?? hahahah

looks like the telly's on the blink again

oops

what Bio said

that fillum was on last night - Westworld

pure class

westworld is a great film.

bit of a hot head.

I was right, she's a minger.

yes, 7 years of pure wolves homecutting, but I still arrange the freshly cut hair into a comedy map'o'taz

Shaven head? Won't that turn me into a fighty bloke?

This has NOTHING to do with Sonic Boom Boy that bird from Westworld thankyouverymuchdownbytheriverside.

I had a crush on the girl from Westworld, but I bet I wouldn't fancy her now.

*tries to remember Westworld song, gets mixed up with Sigue Sigue Sputnik, wishes was deed*

I know - I was the cloakroom attendant on Wednesdays.

that was real

Westworld was on BBC last night. Great film.

you always got mao mixed up with tommy johnson thought azul. the real chairmen mao wa in actual fact - yul 'westworld' brynner

UNLESS YOU'RE SAYING THAT WAS A SYRUP?!

Chairman Mao wasn't.

yeah, i could barely see your face when i saw you last. i wasn't even sure it was you kristoffer.

come on. let's shave that head of yours. all the famous chairman are bald!

You can lop...nahh, I won't.

I do need a haircut as it goes. But did you really think so?

you need a haircut kris you hippy. come on. i've got my secateurs here. let's lop it off!

Only ever so slightly

betty turpin is a difficult audience to please in bed. not least because the bed is always full of pork scratchings and salted peanuts.

The Dandruff Brothers

the only everso slightly odd thing that i do in this respect, is keep all of the hair and try to make lifesized 'hairy friends' that will live with me and never ever leave me or betray me.

that wasn't his erection, it was Lee Hughes.

Do it yourself? I can't cut paper, let alone my hair.

Betty Turpin was laughing. I thought you did well to keep your erection going.

you could always employ a pygmy goat to keep your lock cropped. Jimmy Krankee does.

haircutting is a waste of money. do it yourself. seriously. i've done it myself since i was 18 and i've dated 5 supermodels, betty turpin, steptoe and son and the harlem globetrotters. so who's laughing!

If eat the poisonus bits from fugu, your head swells up so much that your hair appears shorter.

hmmm..ok, that sounds like a good plan. Maybe you can teach me the trick sometimes.

I HATE getting my hair cut. But I love it.

yeah, Argos will be around for quite a bit yet, seany. despite Richard Pee grant in the ads.

tonton - i turn my right arm anti clockwise.

if i turn it the other way my hair lengthens. just like those playdoh chappies.

he sucks it back in through the pores in his head and lets it come out through his feet. Never needs socks.

SO what do you do about making your hair shorter then?

there you go. total wolves. total homehaircutting.

:O) hey seanybum.

7 years for me. Bought me own clippers for about 12 quid in Argos in 1996 and they're still going.

No, YOU march!

March:

cath got TEH BEST calendar yesterday

"Roundabouts of Milton Keynes"

made by this lot:

www.roundaboutsofredditch.co.uk/

mebbe, fnord, depends on other stuff, like where I'm staying and that. At the mo, prob St Albans.

Oh, Wilton, sorry.

ah good, you can come to the non-Xmas pissup on the 12th then

You ought to try getting a Winton out of a Blair, Tel.

I'll need to check, I may be in London that weekend

hehehe bio!

just quickly bio.

morgan and orm are in leeds on the 13th (Fulham at home), i think we're meeting for the Manchester derby if you're up for it

Lionel Blair is an arse to get out of the Wilton.

And now I've trodden it up the stairs as well. Bollocks.

hahhaha

hehehehe

Just had to pop back cos I went downstairs and the cats have got at my 'Give us a Clue Cast and Crew 500th Programme Special 'presentation pack. There's bits of Lionel Blair, Michael parkinson, Una Stubbs, Liza Goddard and Richard Stilgoe all over my living room carpet.

oh i see

ok, lets speak with AK when he's about.

i need to make other arrangements for the weekend you see.

Aye thats why i was thinking of booking train tickets soon - as they'll be cheap.

i'd welcome that idea, it's actually going to be a pretty tight weekend that

I could abuse my position at work and by tickets out of the budget! hmmm

not yet Tel.

we'll sort it within the coming few weeks.

by bio.

Smudger any thougth son hotels/traisn etc etc for the 19th?

hehehe bye Bio

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAtillmycuntfallsoffandthat.

bye pot, love xxxx

It's how a thread should be constructed. We've been away too long.

*Holds up thread*

Your MONEY OR YOUR LIFE!, I mean, THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE YOU CRAPOLOGISTS!

*gone*

hahah Bio !!!

Right - I got to go remove some clinker from the firebox, otherwise the 8:05 to Newquay will have to stop at Bristol for a de-coke. Again!

and back to hair!

proper thread that. hehe

Then we sang Brown Girl in the Ring.

It was last Christmas, I think.We'd just polished off the choccy log and I said we should put a syrup of fig on the baby. You just had to go too far and take me literally.

is that a young Douglas Hurd?

heheheh

That reminds me, must book a hair appointment.

bio - remember this? oh how we laughed!

but social services didn't did they?

So that's where the Black ball went!

In the Brown pocket!

i saw that when i was lookign for poo on google.

sorry mate

okay, that's all the persuading i need

hahha

i probably shouldn't do this. but i've got a photo of azul doing a pebble if anyone wants to see it?

SEB' immitation poo's are rare - no one would believe that i had 1601 of them! whose that stupid?

...Fnord come here mate..

Pure class, Azul.

See if you can pair it up with a full Maureen from Driving School/Jeremy Sprake combo and get it on Flog It!

I have a signed David Blaine, nicked from his (waste) pipe

azul - ah, the tarzan bottom potty collection.

much celebrated!

i'd like to swap heads with that nice Mr. Burrel

You could re-work those janet Eliss' into SEB's and flog em on the Black market.

I've got my eye on a Johnny Weissmuller box set.

I had the Chucle Brothers Poo once..btu I traded it in for a imitation Sophie Elix Bexter poo - very rare as she doesnt have an anus to speak of.

I've still got her shiny Duncan Goodhew!

Fuck me -

You win a Dr Johnson's nutty delight with skid marks for that spelling!

bio - i remember it well. i suspected it was a floater to start with but you seemed so happy keeping it in your mouth.

my aunty maude collects the poo of celebrities she fancies. obvious people who she fancies y'know, like george clooney, mark spitz, daley thompson, michael foot and the banana splits.

I thought I had a Jaqcue Custoe (sp) tunred out to be some other Poo divers

use a plunger and a can of Vim, Terry.

tree - I've a Rannulph Fiennes, but it must be kept in the freezer.

Remember my Zero Gravity Yuri Gagarin?

Turned out to be a floater after all :o(

Ah shit! i've baught 1600 those little buggers! how am i going to shift them now!

Hanable the Great was a phony.

Besides, that's a Janet Ellis (circa 1982)

hehehe bio/mardy.

i'm laughing but it's so true! i'd do anything for an 'anita roddick malteser' to finsih my collection

Genuine Hanable the Great log, for sale - only 99c

You're not having one Enoch Powell for one Russell Harty! I want a Dolph Lundgren as well.

Good-day and welcome to my kitchen, do you like my new potty?. Ever since I was a young girl/boy, I had a knack for fookin'...mainly because I loved my own feet, and if I didn't learn how, I'd 'a eatin' us out of smial and hole. and no, i don't have a clue what that means. My ma - 'Barry' gave me my first recipe-book when I was only a tweenager, and since then, I knew I was interested in the dark arts as well as trying to work out what the extras in the bar in 'cheers' were trying to say to each other.

And that is why, I wish to share with you pricks, my favorite recipes. Feel free to take whatever you like and create these dishes on your own. Ha. Oh yes, and spread the word! I love to wank! If you have any sexual partners you'd like to share with me, please do so by contacting my grand-daughter, 'Blacula', with your subject line being: "Let's eat shit and cunt with hitler!". She will make done that I get them promptly. because she's a little shit

(the Morrison is post-chili dog)

I've a Robert Runcie extra, and a phial of Jim Morrison going spare.

got, got got got got got need *puts to one side* got got got got got got need *puts to one side*

Aww, I've already got a Cardinal Basil Hume. Anyone got any swaps?

hahah Bio!

You can get a series of Poo Pebbles through the Ages, from Alexander the Great to Winston Churchill. You get an attractive walnut display case with the first one. I think Pannini are bringing out a scratch and sniff card collection in the New Year.

*scratch*

Ooooo! Coconut! It's a Capt. Cook or Anita Roddick!

Powdered wee? Is that going to be an ingredient for Grandpa's Wee Kitchen?

basically yes. a top thatch like that needs YEARS of cultivation

as in a King Daddy barnet ?

fnord - because i've got such a daddy barnet?

Whats M & B ? Mills and Boon?

I KNEW this would be a tree thread

azul - that's a bit too close to letting secrets slip isn't it?

i'm working on my next project now. soon, i will never need to clean myself up at all...

'powdered wee'

There's a limited edition wall hanging display rack advertised in the back of most Sunday Newspaper Supplements.

Serial Numbers ending in a 7 are the most highly prized, the so called 'Monday Turd'

not really terry. but that's not bad. i've got a friend who works at M & B who'd probably like to hear from you (and that you're safe)

"I went to sea and I took with me a barrel of rum, a parrot and a eyepatch and some gold dubloons"

hehehehe

Pirate Memomey games is that like the Supermarket game but...

"I went to sea and I took with me a barrel of rum"

"I went to sea and I took with me a barrel of rum and a parrot"

"I went to sea and I took with me a barrel of rum, a parrot and a eyepatch"

??? no ok then!

Aye that's true. Tree had a small vacuum wrapping machine fitted inside his most intimate recess. Each pellet comes out hermetically sealed and with a unique serial number. It's the most impressive thing I've ever seen with my own eyes.

and tree did the lower case

jim - no, but you can wait if you like? ;O)

TWICE!

you know full well what happened Dr. Azul 'the microscope' Buho!

BRUTE!

dry poo pebble!

don't joke about soap :OI

Tree, do you have any other pirate memory games?

don't joke about soap :OI

Tree, do you have any other pirate memory games?

azul - that sounds harsher than it is. you know full well i perfected the 'dry poo pebble' delivery in 1979

lol

thanks, but can I have it back? otherwise none of my shirts will fit me.

Then what happened?

lol@tree

hehehe Bio.

Good to have you back.

hahaha

bio/tree it really is great to have you back!

i think the horrible yeast infections might put him off abstaining any longer thoug azul

i went to the doctor the other day. i said 'doctor, my back is hurting'

he said 'okay, lets have a look, take your clothes off'

so i took my clothes off and said 'where shall i put them?'

and he said 'over there with mine!'

I dont de-wax my ears, just use stray tampons as wicks and hire myself out as a small candelabra.

or your head doesnt get battered by a car

He hasn't wiped his bum hole since 1983 either. There's a pretty penny he's saved in bog roll.

it shouldnt be too bad if your teeth dont fall out

since i married biopot i've not worn many clothes either. he sold them all and bought pirate memory games.

dentists, there's another thing. 16 years since I've been.

Doctors, not had a GP since I was 16 either. it's all nonsense.

JIM! soap!

i'm getting that too rat. one day, when i'm as old as you were in 1976, i'll ask you for advice about it.

my teeth are just normal, what a silly question...

hehehe soap

oh, i forgot to mention this -

i've not washed since 1987 either!

HA! HAVE THAT YOU OVERCHARGING SOAP MANUFACTURERS!

i have taught my hair to grow inwards now, so i just have to snip it off when it pokes out my nose or ears

hehehe tree!

12p

that's ace. i'm going to take all that money i've saved and spend it on space invaders, condoms and packet rice!

now, where have i put it...

*looks around*

DOH!

typically, only the mathmos show the working

what!?

oop - central case already been answered by jX

*points at Bio*

YOU!

or you have huge lower teeth...

how long are your teeth?

i cut mine with my own teeth once its long enough to reach them...

haha tree

when I was in London I went thrice a year at @45/time (for 5 years)

5 expletiveing grand? 5 expletiveing grand

This world is wrong. Lets start again.

hahahaha tree

£40

if you were a total cheapskate 5 quid * 3 *12 = 180 quid

if you were a typical bloke 10 quid * 6 * 12 = 720 quid

if you were a nonce like satch 25 quid * 18 * 12 = 5,400 quid

i would only have spent minimum i think. about a fiver about 3/4 times a year?

what i have realised is this - you REALLY don't need a barber. it's a con. they just give you a feel good feeling for the rest of that day. you can do it all yourself! :O)

i've given myself all sorts of exciting styles over the years. you've probably seen many of them on my hit tv show 'oi, put down my kids!'

its a good saving tree theres no denying it

i've just done a rough calculation of how much i've spent at the hairdressers over the last few years. it's obscene.

i haven't been for a couple of years now. I am, however, spending a fortune on Pledge

Bio
Bio

*waves*

now i know your taking the piss, tree ;-)

Chris described me as 'Sean Bean with Taxi Driver haircut'

still makes me laugh

I read that has "I've not been a hairdresser for 12 years" and I was sure it was started by Fnord.

in today's london prices, say a tenner for a cut every two months (this is conservative)

12 * 6 * 10 = 720 quid

I've been to 12 hairdressers in a year!

how many times a year would you have to go i mean?

i never go either.

richard - how many times a year does my hair grow?

what?

bloody hell tree, that's good work. i'm not telling you how much you would have saved if you'd got my hairdressing bill. i'll get shot

loads. Do you know, I'd never been to a barber till I was 22.

how fast does your hair grow? (not exactly) but say how many times per year?

my hair is total dad!

aye, you can tell too :-P

just realised.

how much money do you think i've saved?