Drunk Thoughts: Volume 1



Welcome to my world, a world where nothing seems to go right.  I think it all started at birth.  Everything I know has been wrong in some way or another.  From the begining it seemed to okay.  A normal midle class family just trying to make it on a medocre income.  I was borne in South Sacramento...the slum I called home for about two years.  I can't recall anything good ever coming from my time there.  Constant crime from drug dealing in my own house to drive by shootings around the corner haunted my life at the age of two years old.  Sometime after that my parents divorced and my mother got custody of my brother and I and thats when life really turned upside down.  We lived in a shit-hole in Citrus Heights...the dump of the area.  Constant crime and drugs is what surrounded me and my baby brother at 3 to 5 years old.  I longed to be with my grandmother...who seemed to be the only one who was concerend with my well-being at the time.  Don't get me wrong, my Father and Mother loved me very much, but they put me in situations that I shouldn't have been in...especaily being how young I was.  To get the facts straight, I hate stupid drugs...being anything you can overdose from.  My mother died when I was nine years old.  I never felt so bad in my life.  I cried for two weeks straight.  There was no cure for the pain that I felt and put myself in seclusion for at least a month.  People wonder why I sometimes blow up now and it's just a way I deal with what happend so many years ago.  I will be as fun and outgoin as I can be...just trying to bottle up what hapend to me before I even became a man, before I could show my mother what I could become of myself...to make her proud.  Soon before my mother died of a drug overdose my uncle died of cancer.  (My fathers brother)  I have never before seen my father act in such a way.  My father actually cried and I don't think I will ever see him act that way again.  I told my father at the time of his brothers funeral..."Don't worry dad, it'll be ok."  I've never seen my dad cry and I did'nt know how respect the way he deeply felt about he brother.  Which brings me to my next point.  My brother almost died when I lived in Florida for two months.  I never felt so bad.  I thought a part of me was going to die if he left this world without me being there.  When I moved back from Florida I didn't recognize my brother.  The man who stood before me when I moved back to Kansas was as different mant then when I left.  This man I did not know.  To see my own flesh and blood in the condition he was he made me feel so bad I felt like crying for his pain every fuckin day. From eating food out of a dumpter and hand-me-down clothes we really didnt have much as kids.  I think thats why I spoil myself like I do now.  I never want to be like I once was.  All through high school I was just a clow there for others entertainment.  I do love to make others feel better but it does'nt seem to cut it.  The pain I feel wont cure by simply making others feel better...I must make myself feel better, and I havent quite figured out how to do that as of yet.  I am a comfused man, that is in desperation of something I can't quite put my finger on.  All through High School I never had a girlfriend.  I was very shy...and to a point still am.  I've almost got to the point to where I dont care...about anyting.  I'm just gonna go with the flow and let destiny take me where I need to go and not try to controll my life.  Girls find me as a goofball and oftem overlook me as a worthy candidate for a partner of somekind because of my sillyness.  They dont see my serious side...my relationship side...the side that cares for them.  They see me as unintelligent because I'm not a jock, or I'm not a nerd...I'm just average.  At least looking.  They never take the time to see what I'm about...what I'm capable of.  They few that actually have looked past whats on the outside and looked into what I really am have seen my artistac qualitys. I know this story is jumping around, but thats why its titled Drunk Thoughts, so fuck off if you dont like it!  I better quit now.  If you want to know more wait till Volume 2.