*The scene opens and we find ourselves inside some room. A desk is set up with a lady sitting behind it. A coffee table and a few smaller tables are set up with what seem to be magazines on them. Quite a few chairs are placed throughout the room. And occupying one of those chairs is none other than Jack Daniels. Daniels is sitting in a chair looking at a magazine when he suddenly begins speaking.*
Jack Daniels: What the...Absolute ? Is this what the advertisin' world is comin' to? What ever happened to the simple advertisements that would let a liquor's qualities speak for itself. Case in point...
Voice: Jack Daniels.
Jack Daniels: *Getting up and heading towards the desk.* See, this lady knows what's up.
Receptionist: Dr. Sussman is ready to see you now sir.
*DOCTOR?! What the hell is going on? Is Daniels injured? Is Daniels sick? Is Daniels seeking help from a psychiatrist or something? This could be something groundbreaking folks. Is there something wrong with Daniels that he's never told us of? Well except for the fact that he drinks like a fish. Daniels is walking through the hall and finally walks into a room. Daniels sits up on the bed as he waits for the doctor to come in. Why do they always do that? Anyway, here comes the doctor walking in with his clipboard as he sits down and begins speaking.*
Dr. Sussman: Hello Mr. Daniels. I'm surprised to see you sitting down. Most people that come here can't even manage to sit down.
Jack Daniels: Usually this drunken bastard would just be down layin' on the floor somewhere. But I've only had two bottle of Ol' No.7 today, so I can manage to sit straight for a bit.
Dr. Sussman: Ah I see. So Mr. Daniels, what seems to be the problem?
Jack Daniels: Well ya see doc, this isn't really for me actually. It's for this other guy...
Dr. Sussman: Yeah sure. It's funny how no one wants to admit that something's wrong with thier ass or actually got something stuck up there. Every patient claims it's a million to one shot doc...million to one.
Jack Daniels: This drunken bastard is serious here. Ain't nuttin' wrong with my ass. Hell, ya wanna see it? *Daniels gets up and is ready to unzip his pants when the doctor waves him off saying he takes his word for it* Ya see doc, there's this other guy I'm worried 'bout. As of late, he's been on an unbelievable roll and can't be stopped. He's comin' off like a damn superstar, but in reality, he blows ass. He's the most overrated piece of garbage this drunken legend has ever seen.
Dr. Sussman: Wait a second, how does this have anything to do with me or my services? I mean, you do know I'm a proctologist, right?
Jack Daniels: Of course doc, like I said, I've only had two bottles today. Anyway, what I think is that he's got a bunch of horseshoes stuck up his ass or somethin'. Either that or some four leaf clovers or rabbits foot. No man on earth can have the luck he has had.
Dr. Sussman: Are you saying he put them up there himself?
Jack Daniels: Who the hell knows doc, but it wouldn't surprise me one bit if Alexander Harmston did so himself. So as ya can see doc, this drunken bastard is in a dilemna. I gotta fight this bastard this Tuesday night, and I ain't 'bout to lose to Mr. Horseshoes himself...it's fuckin' embarrasin'. Believe me doc, I've been through it twice already a long time ago, and I ain't 'bout to let it happen 'gain. So ya think ya can squeeze him in sometime between now and Tuesday night and take the luck right outta his ass?
Dr. Sussman: Well let me see. Let me go check my appointment book for today and tomorrow and I'll have the receptionist schedule it and give your friend a call.
*The doctor leaves the room and leaves Daniels behind. Daniels gets up from where he was sitting and is looking around the room. He opens a few drawers in the desk and it looks like he found what he's looking for...a bottle of Old No.7?! Dr. Sussman with Old No.7 in his office? Daniels opens it and takes a swig from the bottle.*
Jack Daniels: There's always a mark 'round somewhere. Ya see Horseshoes, that's an advantage of bein' 'round for as long as I've been and still bein' able to kick ass like no one else. The drunkaholics are everywhere ya turn Harmston. In liquor stores, in rehab, in AA meetings, hell in doctor's offices. They come in all shapes and sizes and ages. There's no denyin' it Harmston, Jack Daniels is the most celebrated wrestlin' legend that is still whoopin' ass in the ring today. After all that he has accomplished and done in this business...with all the drunkaholics drinkin' like their drunken hero...there's no one, and Jack Daniels means no one, in this business right now as big as The Drunk One.
And what 'bout ya Horseshoes? Where are your fans? Where are your accomplishments? Where is your legendary status? Oh that's right, Jack Daniels forgot, your just a rookie...a rookie with 'bout three hundred forty two horseshoes stuck up your ass. Tell me Harmston, do ya honestly believe that anythin' else was the sole reason on why ya beat this drunken bastard twice already? Why ya won the NWF gold just recently? What's that? You're the best pure wrestler 'round today? Ya honestly believe that crock of shit? 'Scuse this drunken bastard for just one moment...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Daniels takes a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 to calm him down.* Listen here rook, 'fore ya go 'round makin' claims like that, ya might wanna try beatin' everyone in this business first and provin' it. There ain't no doubt ya have half the talent and skill that this drunken bastard has, and that's a helluva lot more than everyone else. But until ya actually prove somethin' Horseshoes, like this unbelievable streak ain't luck, ya best off sittin' back and shuttin' the fuck up for christ sake.
*Suddenly Dr. Sussman walks in the room with his trusty clipboard.*
Jack Daniels: What the...can't ya see I'm in the middle of a drunken promo here doc? Come back in five minutes. *Doctor leaves the room* Ya see Horseshoes, ya don't know when to shut the fuck up sometimes. Just like last week. Ya were jumpin up and down in the back knowin' ya had your match won. But then what happened? Ya got your ass whooped by 'nother rookie in Eryck Van Warren. Ya still won the match, but ya got punked out. This drunken bastard thought that might be good 'nuff to shut ya up, but it looks like you're still goin' at it, curin' insomnia and borin' people to death with those pointless promos of yours.
Now ya think this drunken bastard belongs no where but a retirement home. Damn for once someone thinks I belong elsewhere than rehab. Well it looks like you're the only one who thinks that cuz the booker people here feel that Jack Daniels belongs no where but the main event. And how could ya blame 'em? I mean wew are talkin' 'bout the man who was NWW United States Champ and one half of the NWW Tag Team Champs when the fed closed the first time 'round in '99. Which would obviously make this drunken bastard the current NWW US Champ and one half of the current NWW Tag Team Champs. It's the least that Jack Daniels deserves seein' as he beat Thorne Richards and the Public Enemy for those titles respectively, legends in this business. Kinda funny how they lost all those records and documents. Wouldn't surprise me one bit of someone as insecure as Harmston went into the NWW headquarters and burned every last document in that office, just so he can start off at a level playin' field with everyone. Well tell us Harmy, just who did ya beat for your very first World Title in the NWF? Perhaps the same man that this drunken bastard beat last week, Ray Willmott, 'long with Copeland and the self proclaimed NWW World Heavyweight Champ and one half of the NWW Tag Team Champs, yup that would mean my tag partner I guess, Jack Reed. As confusin' as that may sound to ya Horseshoes, let Jack Daniels break it down for ya all nice and easy.
In one week that the NWW has been opened, ya won a match 'fore gettin' punked out to EVW, leavin' ya a bloody mess and still all bandaged up.
On the other hand, in the first week of business for the NWW, Jack Daniels beat not one, but three of perhaps one day legends in Willmott, Copeland and Reed...beat the NWW World Champ...and powered my drunken way right up to the number one spot in this fed.
And ya think that The Drunk One belongs in a retirement home? Jack Daniels just accomplished more in one week in this fed than ya ever will Horseshoes. Yeah, it's pretty bad when an ol' man out-does the young kid in every which way possible. But it always seems to happen, and ya know why? *Daniels points up to his head* It's all right here bitch. No amount of talent, no amount of skill, no amount of shoot fightin' experience or amatuer wrestling experience can make up for the years spent in the squared circle and in this business. None of that makes up for what's up here Harmy. All the Ol' No.7 over the years has allowed these drunken brain cells to grow bigger and stronger. This drunken head 'lone can out-manuever, out-class, plain and simple, out-do everythin' ya do Harmy.
Just like the doc said Horseshoes...million to one shot...it's a million to one shot. Ya see, he was summin' up your chances of beatin' Jack Daniels. Who said doctor's are always wrong? No no Harmy...you're gonna find out Tuesday night that docs, especially proctologists are always right. Actually, you'll find out even sooner *Daniels grins*. And after the doc jams a metal prod up your ass to remove all the horseshoes and hopefully loosen ya up a bit....and after a size thirteen drunken boot is jammed up your ass Tuesday night, ya'll realize just why...
*Suddenly the doctor walks back in the room, right on cue. You'd think he was listening in and being the mark he is, knew the promo was just about done.*
Dr. Sussman: Okay Mr. Daniels, we have set your friend Horseshoes up for an appointment Tuesday afternoon, right before ring time.
Jack Daniels: That's great doc. But ya know, there two more things ya might need to do to Harmy. After ya get done pullin' out all the horseshoes and loosin' him up, ya might wanna jam a mircale up his ass, cuz he's gonna need to pull one outta there if he wants to stand a chance at goin' One on One with The Drunk One. And two...set him up with 'nother appointment Wednesday mornin' cuz he's gonna have this boot jammed up his ass. He might wanna keep it as a souvenier, but it might be a bit uncomfortable for him to sit down with this size thirteen up there.
Dr. Sussman: Alright then Mr. Daniels. Now if you don't mind, let me take this one home.
Till then...MOTHERFUCKER!
*The doctor gets up and leaves the room and Daniels has that shocked look on his face as if he were just the victim of gimmick infrigement. Daniels just looks at the camera as the scene fades to black.*