(The scene opens and we find ourselves in downtown Hartford. Actually, we find ourselves right outside a store. The bright neon signs on the store's window shine bright. Those unmistakable "Budweiser" and "Coors Lite" signs draw our attention to "Hartofrd Wines & Spirits". Yup, you guessed it, we're at a liquor store. And there's only one drunken bastard that would be in a liquor store... and there he is in the flesh. The door to the liquor store swings open and out walks Jack Daniels. And surprise, surprise...Daniels has a bottle of Old No.7 clutched in his right palm. What did you think he was doing in there...asking for directions? ANyway, Daniels walks out of the store, opens the bottle and takes a swig and then begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Ah...ya know, there's a first for everything. Your first steps. Your first words. Your first friend. Your first time riding a bike. Your first kiss. Your first time gettin' your groove on. And believe it or not, there's even a first time for some things for my opponent this week on Shockwave. Although his name suggests otherwise, even Zero has had his share of firsts. The first time he spoke his unbearable words. The first time he laced up those boots, stepped into a ring and stunk the arena up. The first time he stuck his nose up somebody's ass to get anywhere in this business. Yeah believe it or not, there's a first for everythin'. And Monday night... Monday night is gonna be Zero's first well deserved ass whoopen courtesy of a drunken bastard that has bigger and better things to take care of than waste his time with Zero.
Ya know, it really surprises me Zero. As long as two people like us have been 'round, we have never stepped in between the ropes and gone one on one. Now why is that? Some might think it's cuz our styles never really matched, but rather clashed. Some think it's cuz we always had a different agenda. And hell, when ya stop and think 'bout it and look at the facts, that's true. But just a small part of it. Ya see, stop and think 'bout it Zero. Or is that too much to ask of ya? We both had ourselves a long run back in that fed in New York, hell the name of it slips my mind, but that ain't the important thing here. And yet, we only crossed paths maybe once or twice in tag action. We both went in our own direction. Now everyone knows damn well that this drunken bastard went on to become a 3-time Heavyweight Champion there. But where were ya? Ya were down in the lower classes fightin' jackasses like Johnny Napalm for the TV title. And wouldn't ya know it...ya actually won it. Well congratu-fuckin'-lations Zero. Ya know what ya just proved. That ya were the best mid-carder and nuttin' more. And by holdin' that title for 116 days? That ya are the kind of mid-carders...nuttin' more, nuttin' less Zero. And that's the plain hard facts. Jack Daniels was on the top of the rasslin' mountain, etchin' his name in stone. And hell, this drunken bastard is still on top of the mountain. And as for ya Zero, ya were on the very bottom, scratchin' and clawin' your way to the top. But ya never made it, now did ya? And even today, still scratchin' your way on up. And after days...weeks...years of scratchin' and clawin' your way up, ya finally made it Zero...good for ya. Ya finally made that big step from Slugfest to Shockwave. Hell, seein' as it's a momentous occasion in your pathetic life, this drunken bastard is gonna have a drink to that.
(Daniels pauses to take a swig from his bottle of Old No.7 and then continues demoralizing Zero...)
Jack Daniels: Now although all of those facts up there are just a part of why Zero never stepped in a squared circle and go one on one with The Drunk One, the real reason is cuz you're a fuckin' pussy. Ya try and hide behind the facts, but let the truth be told Zero. You're scared of Jack Daniels, and ya always have been. But rather than put a blemish on your near perfect record that means jack shit, ya decided to stay away from this drunken bastard. Ya would rather look like a pussy and not get hurt by the truth that ya can't handle a round of Jack Daniels, than ruin somethin' materialistic like your record. Well ya see Zero, your record doesn't mean a damn thing. Ya can have a million wins and no losses, but it doesn't mean that you're the best damn thing since sliced bread. Hell, this drunken bastard could fight Joe Lemon a million and one times as well and prove to ya that he's just that much better. But it doesn't quite work that way Zero. Shit, and I thought ya were actually smarter than most of these bastards here. But just like this drunken bastard mentioned earlier, there's a first for everything and this is the first time Jack Daniels realizes just how fuckin stupid...just how fuckin' pathetic ya really are Zero. Ya take the blame for killin' one of the industry's all time greatest, Smirt. And ya immediately think you're the shit 'round here. Ya immeadiately think that ya etched your name in that stone that only a select few have done thus far. But it came back and bit ya in the ass.
Now this drunken bastard doesn't know if ya already picked up on this yet Zero, but in case ya didn't here, the theme here to this promo is "firsts". And just like it was a first for Jack Daniels to put ya in your place. Just like it was a first for Jack Daniels to realize just how fuckin' pathetic ya really are. And just like it's gonna be a first when Jack Daniels whoops your incoherent, ramblin' ass on your promotion of Shockwave, this drunken bastard is gonna experience 'nother first right here.
(Daniels stops walking as he lifts his bottle of Old No.7 and looks at it for a moment or so. Daniels looks next to him and notices a garbage can. He looks at it, and then at the bottle of Old No.7 again. Oh no...he's not gonna do it...is he? Daniels holds the bottle of liquor over the garbage can. His grip is getting looser and looser on the bottle. He's not...he can't. Daniels then lifts his head and looks up at something else. The camera shifts as well and gets a shot of what Daniels is looking at...a LIBRARY?!?! What the fuck? Daniels brings that bottle of Old No.7 back up to his lips and takes a swig as he looks up at the Hartford Memorial Library.)
Jack Daniels: What...ya thought this drunken bastard was gonna give his Ol' No.7 up for Zero? (Daniels laughs)
(Daniels walks up the steps of the library and as he's about to enter the door he continues to speak...)
Jack Daniels: Enterin' a library...a fisrt for Jack Daniels. But don't think that this drunken bastard came here to read a book or anythin' simple minded like that. Ya see, I know that right now Zero is somewhere out there, probably diggin' his own grave. But anyway, ya got Zero out there right now, watchin' Jack Daniels rip him a new asshole. And of course, Zero bein' the egotistical, thick headed sunuva bitch that he is, ain't takin' this drunken bastard's word here. He ain't believin' what Jack Daniels has said thus far. So I'm gonna do him one better. Jack Daniels is gonna show him, in simple black and white, that everything that was already said, is nuttin' but true. Hell, everythin' that comes outta this drunken mouth is worth more than his sorry life.
(Daniels walks up to a lady behind the check out desk and speaks...)
Jack Daniels: 'Scuse me lady. I'm lookin' for this book...
Library Woman: Well tell me the name or the author of the book and maybe I can help you find it.
Jack Daniels: Well, this drunken bastard doesn't really know the name of it. But it's this big ass book with almost every word in the English language in there.
Library Woman: Huh...every word? Well, who wrote it?
Jack Daniels: Ummm...I think the bastard's name who wrote it is Webster or something.
Library Woman: Oh...you mean a dictionary?
Jack Daniels: What did ya call me lady?
Library Woman: It's over there on that podium.
Jack Daniels: Thanks lady. (Daniels makes his way over). Now maybe Zero will open his eyes to the cold hard facts and realize that Jack Daniels ain't as crazy as he originally thought.
(Daniels walks up to the podium withthe dictionary on it. He opens it up and begins flips to about the very end of the dictionary. He begins searching until he finally finds what's he's looking for. He points it out as the camera gets a close-up of what Daniels is looking at and now reading...)
Zero: 1 a : the arithmetical symbol 0 or Jack Daniels: Just like his name suggests, Zero, denotes the absence of the quantity of skill or talent this man has. Hell, I guess we can throw class into that one too if we really wanted to. Now, let's see what the next part says...
Zero: a) an insignificant person or thing : NONENTITY
b) a state of total absence or neutrality; the lowest point
Jack Daniels: Damn, Jack Daniels couldn't have said it better himself...an isignificant person or thing. Ya see Zero, fact of the matter is, no one gives a flyin' fuck 'bout ya. That's why you're fightin' each and every week
on the lower cards of Slugfest 'gainst pieces of shit like Minion and Dave Kramer and a bunch of other nobodies that the world has never heard of. The truth may hurt Zero. But ya better fuckin' believe that it ain't gonna hurt as much as this ass whoopen that's in store
for ya this Monday night. Ya see, for Jack Daniels, it's an insult...a FUCKIN' INSULT to be steppin' in the same ring as ya. For Jack Daniels, it's as if he's takin' a step down by fightin' ya Zero. Ya may have made your marks in this industry in a short amount of time,
but that doesn't mean jack shit to me or any of the drunkaholics out there. This drunken bastard is number one contender to the NEWF Heavyweight Title. He shouldn't be wastin' his drunken time with your ass Zero. But as long as you're gonna be in that same ring with The Drunk One,
he might as well make it worthwhile and show ya just why Jack Daniels is The Whole Drunken Show. Just why Jack Daniels is The Drunk One. And just why...
JACK DANIELS AIN'T TO BE FUCKED WITH!!!
Jack Daniels: And then come Monday night Zero...Jack Daniels is gonna shut the door on the extremely little opportunity that exists for ya to make it to a level which Jack Daniels is currently at...and close the book on your pathetic, over-rated career.
(Daniels slams the dictionary shut scaring a few people around)
Till then...BITCH!
(And with that...the scene fades to black...)