(The scene fades in from black only to be greeted by darkness. The cameraman is stumbling around trying to find his way around when he finally decides to turn on his spotlight. Ah, now that's better. We seem to be in some cemetary. What we're doing here, I have no idea. But maybe we can find some answers over there. The camera makes it's way over to a plot all digged up, with dirt piled up next to it. Something seems to be sticking out of the plot though. Upon closer review, we realize it's the lid to a casket. But just why is ther an open casket in there? The camera hovers over the open plot and looks down...HOLY SHIT! There's a body in there. Wait a second...that's just not any body...that's Jack Daniels! Jack Daniel's eyes suddenly open as he looks straight up into the camera from that position and begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Got a good look? Well then good. Cuz ya see, this is the only time ya'll ever see this drunken bastard lyin' in one of these. Well now and the day Jack Daniel's liver of steel finally gives up on him and calls it quits. And ya know something Evan, my liver is feelin' damn good right now. Jack Daniels knows exactly what you're thinkin'. Jack Daniels knows this image is something ya could get used to. Well stop killin' what little brain cells ya have left by thinkin', and start realizin' that ya just don't stand a chance 'gainst Jack Daniels. Ya never have and quite frankly, ya never will.
Now just why is Jack Daniels lying in a casket, six feet under in a cemetary? Well ya see Evan, Jack Daniels just wanted to get an idea of where ya would be after Clash of the Champions is all said and done with. Jack Daniels wanted an idea of how it would feel like to be ya just for a few minutes. What it would feel like to have your ass handed to ya by none other than the legend himself...Jack Daniels, and to be buried six feet under the ground. And I can only say one thing...it most definitely SUX2BU! But when ya stop and think 'bout it, maybe it's not so bad being Evan Douglas. *Daniels sits up in the casket and makes his way out of it as he continues speaking* Although the idea of endin' up in a casket after not one...not two...but three Jack Daniels ass whoopens kinda does make Evan's stomach a bit woozy, ya gotta stop and think at what a lucky bastard he really is. I mean who else could lose or draw J-class guys like Arwich and Lemon and still be put in a high profile match with a legend like Jack Daniels? Who else could have their ass handed to 'em week in and week out by guys who aren't even qualified to fullfill the open janitor position, and yet still be booked so high up in the card? Who else but Evan Douglas. And Jack Daniels has got a problem with this. It once was that ya had to work your way up the ladder and earn your chances. Back in the day, Evan would at least win a match here and there therefore grantin' him a title shot every now and 'gain. And of course, come title shot, we all know just how he would choke up and never be able to get over that hill. But now...now the sorry motherfucker can't even beat the worst of the worst and he's still be granted IC title shots...Heavyweight titls shots...and even more importantly, a shot at Jack Daniels. Well, congradu-fuckin'-lations Evan cuz you're 'bout to get all three shots in one...you're 'bout to go through THREE SHOTS OF HELL!
Why do ya make this so easy for me Evan? Jack Daniels has no problem whoopin' asses and takin' names, but damn...at least make it some sort of a fuckin' challenge. Each and every week, Jack Daniels would get one up on ya and tell ya why Jack Daniels ain't to be fucked with. And each and every time Jack Daniels does that, ya go runnin' to Mamma Gates like the little bitch that ya are. He grants ya your precious casket match and ever since, all ya can do is flap your gums...*Imitating Evan* "I'm gonna kill Jack Daniels...I'm gonna kill Jack Daniels...I'm gonna kill Jack Daniels..."*End of imitation* Well whoop-te-fuckin'-doo...go 'head and kill me Evan. Go 'head and throw your career and life away for one Jack Daniels. Just like ya said, the world would be a better place with Jack Daniels. Everything would be perfect without Jack Daniels. Or would it Evan? Would it be worth it Evan? Would it be worth throwing your career away, just to rid the world of Jack Daniels? Just like the F.T.W. carved into your chest, each and every day when ya would look in the mirror and see that, ya would think of Jack Daniels and have to live with the fact that ya got rid of him. Each and every day ya wake up and look in between those prison bars and wonder why you're in there, ya would have to remember Jack Daniels. And if ya don't rid the world of Jack Daniels, ya would wake up and have to live with the fact that ya just couldn't get the job done...nuttin' new to ya. Don't ya get it Evan? Jack Daniels has already beaten ya. Everywhere ya look...everywhere ya turn...everywhere ya go...Jack Daniels will be there, laughin' in your face at what a sorry motherfucker ya really are. Jack Daniels will be laughin' at how he took your woman...took your pride...and took your career from right under your nose.
(Daniels walks over to the lid of the casket and pushes it...WHAAAAM! The sound of the lid of the casket closing echoes throughout the cemetary. Jack Daniels looks back up at begins speaking...)
Jack Daniels: Did ya hear that Evan? Did ya hear the noise the lid made when it was closed? Here listen up 'gain jackass. *Daniels reaches down and opens up the casket again. He pulls up the lid and then slamms it shut once more...WHAAAAM!* Heard it Evan? Good. Remember that sound Evan. Remember that sound signifies the closin' of a casket. Remember once ya hear that sound, the casket has been closed shut. Ya see, cuz once you're placed inside that casket and your unconscious ass can't see a damn thing, ya'll be able to identify exactly where ya are and what's goin' on when ya hear that sound from inside the casket. Ya'll think to yourself..."Damn, Jack Daniels just beat me again". But don't let that get ya down Evan, cuz it's only natural that Jack Daniels beats ya. Ya can call it survival of the fittest since Jack Daniels is not only fit physical...but mentally, while you're just one big mess. Ya can call it probability cuz when ya stop and think 'bout it, there's a greater probability of an army of flyin' monkeys attackin' Brazil than of ya actually beatin' Jack Daniels. Call it whatever the fuck ya want Evan. But just make sure that next to the moinker Three Shots of Hell, ya squeeze in the sub headin': "Jack Daniel's ass whoopen of most epic proportions ever laid down on thee Evan". Cuz that's exactly what it's gonna be Evan.
But come to think of it Evan, what would be the point of that? Why should Jack Daniels whoop your ass one more time? I mean, we all know damn well that once Clash of the Champions is all said and done and Wedsneday Night War comes 'bout, we can all put our money down that who else but Evan Douglas is gonna wind up in good ol' Mamma Gates' office and start bitchin' and runnin' your mouth how ya wanna kill Jack Daniels. Well don't bet on it for a couple of reason Evan. Cuz once Jack Daniels shuts that lid on that casket and sends ya off to be buried, he's done with ya. You're just gonna have to find someone else to obsess over and find a way into the spotlight. Jack Daniels could be polishin' off gold right 'bout now if it weren't for ya bitchin' and demandin' matches to Mamma Gates each and every week. But that's quite alright cuz when ya walked into his office and asked for this match, it was your absolute last time cuz Jack Daniels is gonna make damn sure that when Clash of the Champions is all said and done...when all of the smoke has cleared...when the last drop of blood drips outta Evan's body...there ain't gonna be no way...and Jack Daniels means NO FUCKIN' WAY that Evan will be able to walk, let alone make it to Mamma Gates' office.
Ya see Evan, the mere reality is that if ya really...really wanted to rid the world of Jack Daniels, then ya would have already done so. I know Evan Douglas...Jack Daniels knows Evan Douglas better than anyone else does. Whatever Evan Douglas wanted to do...he would do it. And from the looks of it, there has been nuttin more that Evan has wanted than to not only beat Jack Daniels...but to kill him as well. And he hasn't done either of the two yet. And quite frankly, he never will. I don't know if you're tryin' to take the sympathy angle here or what Evan, but it ain't gonna work with Jack Daniels. Once ya step out from behind the curtain and set foot in my drunken ring, then it's on motherfucker. There won't be any holdin' back...no feelin' sorry for your pathetic ass...no mercy. All three shots will go down and will go down hard. Shot 1...Ladder Match. The so called match that Evan is unbeatable at. Well hip hip hooray...the man can actually win at something. Go 'head, Jack Daniels will give ya the pleasure of climbin' the ladder and grabbin' the golden ticket, seein' as how ya'll never climb the ladder to the top ever 'gain. Go 'head and call the next shot bitch, cuz it just doesn't matter to Jack Daniels what it is. If there's 'nother ass in the ring, Jack Daniels will whoop it. If there's 'nother person in the ring, Jack Daniels will humiliate him regardless of the type of match. Shot 3...Casket Match. The shot the will forever end your career Evan. The match ya originally wanted will only come back to burn ya like never 'fore.
Reality check Evan...that is what you're gonna get come Clash. Ya see, ya need to realize that ya brought this on all yourself. Ya were jealous of Jack Daniels. Ya put Jack Daniels out of action for a month. And Jack Daniels came back for vengance. Ya made this more persoanl than it really is. Ya brought your feelings and emotions into this and it just fucked ya over even more. You're makin' all this harder for yourself. Ya need to realize that Jack Daniels is an equal opportunity ass kicker and couldn't care less what you're thinkin' or feelin'. BUt Jack Daniels will tell ya this, what ya will be feelin' come Thursday night is a size thirteen boot up by your liver. And come Friday mornin', after ya wake up with a FUCKIN' HANGOVER, ya will come to realize just why...
Thursday night will mark the last chapter 'fore our book is closed. But it will also mark the last chapter of your life 'fore the casket is closed in front of your own eyes.
(Daniels opens up the casket once more before slamming it shut once again...WHAAAAM!)
Till then...BITCH!
(And with that, the camera gets a shot of the closed casket sitting in the burial plot as the camera fades to black...)