(The scene opens and we fins ourselves inside a limo, the front of the limo to be more accurate, as the camera gets a shot of the road being traveled ahead. We pass a road sign tellinh us San Antonio is 47 miles away. The camera turns around only to find the glass partition seperating the back and front of the limo up. The cameraman knocks on the glass partition but nothing comes of it. He knocks on it again, but again nothing. The cameraman waits a moment and knock on it a third time, and the third time is a charm because the glass partition comes down just an inch or so and we hear a voice...)
Voice: What the hell do ya want? Can't ya see I'm busy here?
Cameraman: Well, we're almost there, and you haven't cut a promo yet this week. That won't help your status at all.
Voice: God damn cameraman and his promos. Alright...gimme a second here to get ready. Put those away baby. We'll have to finish this later.
(We hear some fidgeting around, telling us there's more than one person back there. After a moment the glass partition comes all down. Wait a second, look it's The Drunk One, Jack Daniels and his newest drunkette, Clarissa. Clarissa is leaning up against Jack Daniels rubbing his chest. Daniels has a grin on his face as he begins to speak...whoops, Daniels looks down and zips up...now he begins to speak...)
Jack Daniels: Hey baby, why don't ya grab me a drink so I can cut this promo. *Clarissa gets up, grabs a bottle of Old No.7, and pours some into a glass with ice in it and hands it to Daniels. He takes a sip, almost finishing the drink* Ya know, life is one big lesson. Each and every day ya are fortunate 'nuff to stay alive, ya learn a new lesson in life. One day ya learn it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. 'Nother day ya learn no to piss on the third rail of the train tracks. 'Nother day ya learn liquor 'fore beer, you're in the clear...beer 'fore liquor, ya'll never be sicker. And believe me, Jack Daniels learned that the hard way back when he was six years old. But there's one lesson in life that always seems to repeat itself each and every fuckin' week. There's one lesson that no one can seem to get through their thick fuckin' skulls. And that lesson is what Jack Daniels has been tellin' every sorry sunuva bitch that has stepped in the squared circle 'gainst yours truly...Jack Daniels ain't to be fucked with. Last week, Evan Douglas had to learn that the hard way. His ass played with fire and he got burnt...*Daniels looks over at Clarissa and then back into the camera* And got burnt bad. And now this week, it's time for yet 'nother bastard to learn the almighty lesson of not fuckin' with Jack Daniels. This week...ummm...this week...*Daniels looks over at Clarissa again* Hey baby, grab Jack Daniels that piece of paper over there which has the EWA itinerary and schedules on it for this week. *Clarissa reaches over and grabs the piece of paper. She looks at it and her eyes pop open. She slowly hands it to Daniels and looks at it* What the fuck is the bullshit? Ya mean to tell Jack Daniels that he has to step in the ring with Cold Hard-On Cash.......and it's not a title match? Clarissa, get jackass Gates ont he phone and make sure that this ain't no fuckin' misprint. *Daniels hands Clarissa his cell phone and she begins dialing*
This bullshit better be a typo. I mean i come roarin' back frommy coma, took out everyone that was put in my way, includin' Evan, the one who put me away for a month. I take his bitch, I put him out on the sidelines and made him cry like the little bitch that he is. Jack Daniels is responsible for at least 75% of those asses in that arena at King of the Ring and generated more Pay Per View buys than any other programming ever. Shit, the damn vendors can't keep the Jack Daniels merchandise on the shelves it's movin' so fuckin' fast. I'm allowin' good ol' Gates to live like a king. He's not usin' that yella stuff anymore, he's using Grey Poupon. He's not typin' up each week's cards on his old typewriter from the sixth grade...he's got his big ol' computer now. He's not drinking from the water fountain anymore or bottled water...he's drinkin' Perrier. What more does he want from Jack Daniels? My name ain't Hard-On Cash...I don't suck dick to get to higher places. I don't stick my nose in asses to get what I want. Alright, so maybe Cash doesn't sink to those levels to get where he is today. So in turn, ya actually do have to hold a half an ounce of repsect for the bastard. I mean, he did choose Jack Daniels to be his partner back when the EWA first reopened it's doors. That right there shows us that he's got something upstairs. He's been here since day one, just like Jack Daniels, makin' a name for himself and tryin' to earn his spot. Although he did live off of my fame and my name, he got more than he bargained for...a helluva lot more. *Turns to Clarissa who is still on the phone* Ya get a hold of jackass Gates yet?
Clarissa: His bitch of a secratary had me on hold for the longests time. Here I think she just put me through. *Hands Daniels the cell phone*
Jack Daniels: Gates? Heeeyy...Duane, how ya doin'? Me, I couldn't be better *laughing*. Yeah, I'm on my way there now actually. It's gonna be a helluva week. Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to ya 'bout. It's 'bout the match with Cash. What? No, I ain't got no problem takin' on Cash...business is business. Nah, ya see, I think there's a misprint on my itinerary here. What do I mean? Well, mine here says it's a non-title match, when in fact, I know that it should be nuttin' else but a title match. Yeah...WHAT?! Not a misprint? What the fuck are ya talkin' 'bout Gates? Who? After all I've done, this is how ya repay Jack Daniels...a non title match? This is the biggest load of bullshit that has ever come out of your mouth since...Daniels pulls the cell phone away from his ear and looks at it and then closes it* Motherfucker hung up on me. *Daniels throws the phone on the floor* Alright Gates. Title or no title, it ain't gonna make a difference anymore.
Clarissa: What did he say?
Jack Daniels: He kept bringin' up that schizophrenic bastard bein' the number one contendor...what the hell was his name? Harvey soomething...
Clarissa: Wallbanger?
Jack Daniels: Nah, I'll bang ya later.
Clarissa: Knox...yeah Knox.
Jack Daniels: We ain't got time for knock knock jokes...anyway it doesn't even fuckin' matter.
Cash, ya and Jack Daniels have been through it all. We've gone toe to toe on plenty of ocassions and have given the fans somethin' to remember for as long as they fuckin' live. We've fought for gold, and we've held tag gold together, revolutionizing what tag teams are all 'bout. Shit, if ya ask me, we know each other better than the back of our hands. And Gates wants to ride this high...he wants to ride this wave of success. Since King of the Ring was off the charts, he wants to put out the absolute best card he can without givin' away too much. He knows damn well that Jack Daniels and Hardin' Cash can tear the roof off at any given time. Now the only question is, do ya respect those wishes and live up to those standards, or do we do the exact oppositte and give the fans somethin' to remember by stinkin' the place up? Either way ya look at it, it's a lose lose situation, at least for this drunken bastard. If i step in that squared circle and give the fans what they want and win, I don't win the title and on top of that, good ol' Rossy Gates gets what he wants. Now if Jack Daniels decides to stink up the place, Gates doesn't get what he wants, but Jack Daniels will be criticized from every sorry sunuva bitch that has nuttin' better to do than to bitch. But ya see, Jack Daniels is gonna step in that ring and bring everythin' he's got right at Hardin' Cash. Why? Outta fuckin' respect. He still has a name to live up to. Cash still has an image to maintain here in the EWA. He's the EWA Heavyweight Champ and has been so for a long ass time. Hell, he's prolly the greatest Heavyweight Champ in this damn circuit we've seen in a long...loooong time. And Jack Daniels knows what it's like to live up to that.
Ya see Hardin', it's like this. Jack Daniels got ya off to a good start, and from there on in, it's history. Now, you're on an incredible roll here in the EWA. You've beaten just 'bout everyone that's been thrown in your way, whether it be title or not. But now that Jack Daniels thinks 'bout it, he realizes just why he stcuk in Jack Daniel's corner for the EWA's existence. Ya see, ya realized that your only competition came in the form of Jack Daniels. Ya realized that the only person capable of whoopin' your ass from pillar to post was Jack Daniels. And ya wanted to avoid havin' your ass handed to ya on a fuckin' silver platter once 'gain. Hell Cash, Jack Daniels doesn't blame ya one bit. Shit, it's a helluva plan if ya ask me. But it ain't gonna help ya this time 'round. The only thing ya got goin' for yourself now is that your title is not up for grabs, otherwise ya would be lookin' at it for the absolute last time. Yeah that's right, it would be gettin' fitted for this drunken waist. But ya go 'head and hold onto it for just a little while longer Cash, keep it nice and warm. Cuz ya better fuckin' believe that after ya get past that schizophrenic bastard, Venom, TGO...whoever graces the EWA's number one contendor spot 'fore Jack Daniels, I'll be there 'fore ya know it and knockin' on your door to take away not only your gold...but your name. Hell, I just might take away your name Wednesday night, cuz after it's all said and done...after all the smoke has cleared...after Jack Daniels has whooped your ass and proven to the whole world that Jack Daniels is the man to beat here in the EWA...your name won't mean a damn thing cuz ya'll be worth nuttin but SHIT!
*Turns to Clarissa* Gimme 'nother round, will ya baby. *Hands Clarissa the empty glass as she refills again with some Old No. 7 on the rocks, and hands it back to Daniels* Cash, ya have had plenty of shots of Jack Daniels. Ya have gone just as many rounds with Jack Daniels than anyone else can. But what ya need to realize is that was the Jack Daniels of ol'. That was the original recipe that ya would take double shots of night in and night out. What you're lookin' at is a brand new Jack Daniels...a new and improved formula. Ya see, ever since comin' back, I've felt reborn. Jack Daniels is more focused than he's ever been. I said I was gonna take out Evan DOuglas once and for all...and I did. I said he was gonna regret ever fuckin' with Jack Daniels...and he's still regrettin' it in his hospital bed. Make no mistake 'bout it Cash, a couple of weeks ago, I came to your aid when the former FTW was doin' a number on ya. But Jack Daniels didn't come to your aid just to pull ya out alive from the pack of rabid dogs. Jack Daniels came down to your aid, cuz he had something to prove to the rest of those assholes in FTW. He had a message to send 'em. Yeah, Cash and Jack Daniels made a helluva team, and we're probably unstoppable. But as long as I'm by your side Cash, I'll never get my shot at what I've been workin' my drunken ass off for as long as I can remember...what everyone wants but in reality can only dream of havin'...the EWA World Heavyweight Title.
I'm gonna make ya realize that maybe your time as the EWA Champ is soon comin' to an end. And I'm also gonna make ya realize the very important lesson for the week...the same one Evan learned last week...and that's...
Jack Daniels: Now, if ya'll excuse me, Jack Daniels and Clarissa have some...unfinished business to take care of 'fore this jackass of a cameraman so rudely interrupted us. Now piss off...
(Daniels takes a sip from his drink as he presses a button over his head. Suddenly, the glass partition begins to slide up and the scene fades to black...)