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As presented by the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team...
10. "My zamboni or yours?" (Keith Tkachuk, Phoenix Coyotes)
9. "Baby, I can make you do the wave." (Tony Amonte, Chicago
Blackhawks)
8. "You're my only chance to score more than Gretzky." (Chris Chelios,
Chicago Blackhawks)
7. "I'm Stanley. Would you like to see my cup?" (Mike Richter, New
York Rangers)
6. "Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?" (Mike Modano, Dallas Stars)
5. "I said, 'Would you like a puck?'" (John Vanbiesbrouck,
Florida Panthers)
4. "My wife calls me Gordie Wowe!" (Pat LaFontaine, New York
Rangers)
3. "Hey, you want to be my intern?" (Jeremy Roenick, Phoenix
Coyotes)
2. "In your case, NHL stands for Non-stop Happenin' Lady." (Billy
Guerin, San Jose Sharks)
1. "I've got a curved stick." (Brett Hull, St. Louis Blues)
Top Ten Signs You're Dating a Hockey Player
10. Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge.
9. He's very sensitive on the topic of "stick curvature."
8. After going out, makes you line up and shake hands with all his
ex-girlfriends.
7. Bad enough he consummates lovemaking by shouting, "He scores!"
-- was it really necessary to install the red light above the bed?
6. During arguments he sends you to the penalty box for "2 minutes
for pissing me off."
5. He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
4. For breakfast, he hands each kid a spoon and tosses an Eggo in
the middle of the table.
3. Demanded credit for an assist when you slept with his best friend.
2. Favorite Restaurant: Dinner in a Blender
1. Talks funny and likes to beat up people, but doesn't come from
Alabama
Game Superstitions
BEFORE THE GAME
**Be sure you are wearing your team colors (if not a team jersey or
replica). At the beginning of the playoffs the item may be washed, however
not again until the end of the playoffs, no matter how bad it smells.
**Any team junk you have must be placed strategically around your "seat of
honor" in front of the television. This includes pennants, towels, mugs,
glasses, etc.
**All hockey equipment you own that needs to be repaired must be in place
prior to the start of the game. (Sticks needing taping may be placed behind
the chair, as long as they are within reach.)
**Snacks and drinks are to be kept within reach, because as everyone knows,
as soon as you leave the room to raid the refrigerator, the opposing team
will score.
**If you are a "scorekeeper," all scorebooks are to be placed on a table
or shelf nearby. You must also use only ink during the playoffs, no pencils.
It is also necessary to have no less than 2 pens for each period played.
In case of overtime, the original 6 pens will suffice.
**Any "lucky" items, such as trolls, rats, octopi, etc., are to be kept in
your chair in contact with your body during the entire game. Loss of contact
could prove fatal to your team.
**There will always be at least one puck placed on the television to enhance
communication of good vibes to your team. It is preferable to keep these
pucks in the freezer, changing them during the intermission. Everyone knows
a frozen puck is much better than a warm soft one.
DURING THE GAME
--Do's
**Keep a positive attitude at all times, no matter the score. It only takes
one negative attitude to outweigh a thousand positives. On the other hand,
one positive attitude might be all it takes to lift your team.
**Always bitch about the stupidity of the announcers.
**Complement the camera crew at every possible instance.
**In case of a bad call by the referee, it is required that you throw something.
(Preferably something soft, never a "lucky" item. The soft Barney dolls work
well in this respect.)
**When your team scores, a simple raising of the hands, prior to the instant
replay, is considered better form. A shout of "YES!!!!!" is considered better
form. A victory dance, coupled with a shout of "He Scoooooores!!!" is the
perfect activity. Be aware that there are other people in the room and if
you aren't in your own home, try to avoid damaging the furniture. The spouse
of your host might take it out of him/her later.
--Don'ts
**Never, under any circumstance, utter the word "shutout" prior to the opposing
team scoring a goal. It has cost more games than one can count. Doing so
ensures the opposing team a goal, and it may also lift them to the height
required to defeat your team. (Simply thinking it could prove your team's
undoing.)
**It is a violation to leave the front of the television prior to intermission,
even during a TV timeout.
**Resist the urge to say things like, "How the hell could he miss that?"
It promotes bad vibes. It is, however, okay to curse and stomp your feet.
**Do not throw solid objects at the television prior to the end of the
game.
AFTER THE GAME
**If your team won, gloat.
**If your team lost, speak to no one, lest your anger and frustration show
through.
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