One of my favorite things to read in psychology are works done by Social Psychologists. I believe the relationships that we build with other humans are what sets us apart from other mammals. "Humans' need for social relationships might therefore be best regarded as a basic need, a part of our biological nature." This is quoted from a study done by Leary and Baumeister and 1995. The way in which humans bond together, show emotions, respond to one another, and are able to work together is remarkable. According to Mill, a great philosopher, we as humans can experience a higher level of pleasure than can animals. I believe a big part of this higher level of pleasure is brought about by relationships with other humans.
Through my readings on this topic I feel that I have learned a lot. However what good is information when we can't apply it to our lives. Due to the stage of life that I am currently in, which is that of a hormonal freshman male in college, a few questions on the relationship issue dominate my peers and my mind. These questions are not always about the search for long-term companionship since we still must go on two year missions for the church. Our questions revolve around how we can get dates. Question one, how do some guys seem to get tons of dates while others hardly any? Two, what attracts girls to these guys previously mentioned? Three, how do I become one of these guys? In this paper I will propose my hypophysis to answer each of these questions, show how I came about these answers, and give some case studies of how they have worked in my peers lives.
In order to answer these questions I researched what other psychologists had to say on this matter. To my disappointment I discovered much on the subject of how to have long successful relationships, but very little on the subject of simply how to get dates.
One important fact I found was that all humans, female and male search for relationships. In a study done by Collins and Millen they stated,"Clearly people crave close long term relationships with other people. We have a need to be able to talk with someone about personal, confidential matters." Also I conducted my own study. I listened to the radio for an hour on a particular station and counted the number of songs written about love, as opposed to other subjects. I did this to four different stations while doing homework. My lame study found that 92% of songs played were about love. (The average would've been much higher if I hadn't listened to the classic rock station.) This fact alone should raise the hope and confidence for dateless males at BYU considering that the guy to girl ratio is 4:7.
Another thing I found was that we tend to have relationships with people who cross our paths often. This is refereed to as proximity. I found studies done by Hays, Bossard, Schacter, Back, and many more to prove this point. We can employ this method into the dating world by simply hanging around members of the opposite sex and making ourselves easy access dates.
I also found studies done which stated that humans tend to spend time with people similar to themselves. Laumann's study in 1969 showed that "your friends self-description will match your own in most cases." This might be helpful in looking for a long term mate or spouse. In another study done by Defries, Plomin, and Roberts in 1977 they state," Couples who differ markedly in their education and interests may date for a while, but they are not likely to marry." But...I'm only looking for a date. I'm only 19. I'm not ready by far to look for a spouse. I just want to know how to get the initial date.
The only things I found that were sited to influence the initial attraction stage of a relationship were proximity, and physical appearance. These two things alone cannot be all that influences this stage. If so we all would've dated the dorky girl in high school who was in all of our classes and followed us everywhere. Also many guys who are not very attractive rise to amazing levels of popularity. For example, The Backstreet Boys. They are a singing group which appear in many teenage and college age girl's dreams. There is never a shortage of girls to scream at their concerts, however. Some friends and I had the opportunity to meet four of the five Backstreet Boys last summer. Upon hearing about their arrival, many of my female friends talked about how they really weren't all that attractive. These same girls gawked obnoxiously in their presence and flirted like they had never seen a guy before. I ask..."What's up with that?"
In a study I had read by Musselman and Roggman they concluded,"Most people regarded the averaged face as highly attractive." The Backstreet Boys appearance was far from average, and almost out on the edge. However the study provides hope again to the dateless by showing that any average guy has the potential to be a stud. As much so as The Backstreet Boys.
So without much help from established psychologists, I set out to answer the questions on my own. Since there is no way to establish a perfectly scientific study on the mind and emotion, I decided to take the approach of a behaviorist. I decided to study specific cases of people who have had a masterful command of the opposite sex. In conclusion I believe that every man has his own musk which helps him attract women. What is musk? The Webster definition of musk is "an odorous animal secretion used in perfume." I coined this phrase also to be the male's unique ability to attracted girls.
Every man has his own musk. This is why so many types of men achieve popularity. Each musk has it's own power and capabilities. Here are some examples of some celebrities of past and present who I examined their musk.
Elvis-Despite his mediocre looks and singing voice, he achieved so much fame with the ladies that even after his death they go to make pilgrimages at his former home in Graceland. Elvis once said in an interview with a radio D.J. when asked about how many woman bought his records,"The girls came before the records. All it takes is confidence. Shine your shoes, put on a nice outfit, and walk right up to that door with some flowers. That's enough to make any girl fall crazy in love with you." This worked for Elvis because this was his own musk. The "confidence" musk.
Leonardo DiCaprio- Let's face it. The guy looks like he is about 16. He doesn't have superb looks. However this boyish charm is quite possibly what attracts girls to him. Many girls swoon over his "boyish charm" musk on film or in real life.
Everyone's musk is unique. Just as Leonardo's boyish charm musk would not work for Elvis, these celebrities musks will not work for everyone. Everyone must discover their own musk in order to be successful in the dating world.
The next phase of my study was to find my own musk and see if I could successfully make it work for me. Through much self-evaluation I discovered my musk. I do not deny that I am not very attractive to the female eye. However since I have recognized my musk, dating has become a lot easier. I noticed that every girlfriend that I have ever had, was attracted to me by my singing. My musk is a "performers musk." When I sing in front of girls they can fall prey to my illuminating musk. It isn't purely the singing though. It is the attitude of a performer. This can show Elvis's confidence while still looking a little vulnerable and approachable. I have used a trial and error method to try this out and it has done nothing but back up my theory.
The next step in my psychological study was to find other's musk and use the same trial and error method. For example we discovered that my friend Nate Ayer has "nice guy"musk. We found that girls are attracted to him over a long period of time due to his overwhelmingly nice attitude towards them. Also my friend Carl has "sensitive stud" musk. He has a muscular appearance but to downplay it he reads poetry and never talks about himself. This downplays the stereotype stating that muscular guys are dumb, and insensitive. When he does this, girls so far have eaten it up.
There is much left to be done on the study of musk. It is not complete by far. Throughout my college career I plan to continually study musk.In conclusion in order to find a date a man must find his own personal musk and also find out how to use it to further their dating experience.
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