:{)

Mustache Mania

January 27^th 1999

Twelfth Edition

Welcome Mustache fans to the twelfth edition of Mustache Mania. In this edition we have all the usualy stuff, but along with specail articles from Tuxedo Mask and Whore-o-scopes by Tanya.

Before I get into the Adventures of Mustache Man, I have a few annoucements to make. First I have sent One Legg'id Man on a special top secret assignment and have appionted Tuxedo Mask as a temporary side kick. The second is, That I have choosen to run for a position on the board of directors at my school. So i will soon be extremely busy with my campain. Also I have been getting involved in many other outside class activities and am finding it difficult to find the spare time I need to do most other things i.e. sleep. So I have made the decision to send this newsletter out bi-monthly.

Thanks, Ben

Adventures of Mustacheman...

Well, I tell ya! public washrooms ain't nuthing but trouble! The other day I walked in to the lil boy's room at the hockey arena back home. I was in there minding my own business when Tuxedo Mask walks in side and starts taking a leak 2 urnals down from me. We started talking about the game nothing special, when all of a sudden! Like 20 guys walk in and start lipping me off. I turn around quickly..forgetting to finish what i was doing, but did finish on the gang's leader's leg. The leader Uncle Ben'roni from San Francisco pulled out this big ass pinapple. Tuxedo Mask turns around so fast to see what was going on he didn't pay attention while he was zipping up...poor fella...As Tux screatches like a little school girl the entire gang looks at him in pain. I took this time to zapp the entire gang with my super dooper ray gun. They all went down for the count. Then out of no where Jennifer Love Hewitt comes running up to me hugging and kissing me tell me how badly she wants to have my babies. So on the way to her house I called an ambulance for Tux. When Jennifer and I walked out the door I saw Biff the 350lbs prarmedic that was gonna take care of Tux. Jennifer and I hopped into my McLearn F1....and well to find out what happened after that you'll have to buy the video...Aslo to find out about Tux and Biff, you'll have to buy another video.

Whore-O-Scopes...By Tanya 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will have this UNBELIEVABLE urge to ask ALICE questions nonstop.  This could prove beneficial to you later on.  Stay away from YOB.  

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins
will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll
survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for
polka music and a weird sexual desire for YOB. 

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find
yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché
animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a
stick, and will somewhat resemble YOB.  

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even
harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The
trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes
shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost, and everything else is
coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the
truth.  

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Beware of celery today.   

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a
garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in
front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.  Then your only problem will be this weird french guy named YOB.  

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to take all your frustations out on YOB.  

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then
you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to
bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you and call you YOB all night.  

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just
remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember
something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.  

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will realize after much deliberation, that inflatable
shirts are not only impractical but uncomfortable. Buy cream for the rash,
and apply liberally three times a day. And once at night.  
Aquarius

(January 21 - February 18)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be
struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.    Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger.
Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.

DEAR MR. WEATHERMAN,

I just wanted to drop you a little note to let you know that I just finished shoveling three feet of "Partly Cloudy" from my driveway.

Name that song...

I recieved many answers to name that song. The correct response was Imagine by John Lennon. I would like to congradulate MC Mongrel and Stumbleine for giving the correct answer.

The lyrics for this week are:

"Once apon a time you dressed so fine, you threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you? People'd call, say "beware doll you're bond to fall" You thought they wereall kiddin' you, You used to laugh about, Everybody that was hangin' out, Now you don't alk so loud, Now you don't seem so proud, About having to be scrounging for your next meal..."

Please send your answers along with your name to mustachemania@hotmail.com

THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE...

1. If you have melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store> in a hot car.> The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off of your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

6. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

7. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

8. A balanced diet is eating equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate. They counteract each other.

9. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

10. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

What constitutes as an Asshole?...By Shirley (Part I)

1.If you submit your homepage to any one search engine more than once...you are an asshole!

2.If you submit your homepage as NUDEnakedNUDEnakedNUDE or anything evenremotely similar....you are an asshole!

3.If you take up two parking spaces for one car...you are an asshole!(unless youhave to get your wheelchair out of your car)

4.If you park in a handicapped space and you are not handicapped...you are anasshole!

5.If you suddenly stop in the middle of a busy aisle/intersection/hallway andjust stand there...you are an asshole!

6.If you complain about the government, yet don't vote...you are an asshole!

7.If you believe everything your government tells you...you are an asshole!

8.If you believe Oliver Stone and spout out his theories everywhere you go...youare an asshole!

9.If you make decisions when you don't know shit about a subject...you are anasshole!

10.If you think Nancy Reagan is a goddess and we should all just un-thinkinglysay "no" to any question made to us...you are an asshole!

11.If you would like to regulate the internet...you are an asshole!

12.If you refuse to wait your turn and instead cut into line at everyopportunity...you are an asshole!

13.If you are a racist...you are an asshole!

14.If you laugh at every single "Far Side" comic...you are an asshole! (some ofthem you will undoubtedly not understand and there are some that are just notfunny)

15.If you advocate censorship...you are an asshole!

16.If you fart noisily and then laugh while pointing at your buddies...you arean asshole!

17.If you ask stupid questions and then get pissed off when returned with stupidanswers...you are an asshole!

18.If you brag about how good your girlfriend is in bed and then get mad whenyour friends take her for a test spin...you are an asshole!

19.If you are found laughing and when questioned why you are laughing yourespond with some stupid answer like "private joke"...you are an asshole!

20.If you get good service in a restaurant and yet don't tip...you are anasshole!

21.If you watch 28 hours of television a week and then say that you don't readbecause you don't have time...you are an asshole!

22.If you pick your nose and then flick your boogers at other cars while stoppedat a stop light...you are an asshole!

23.If you piss into the vats of beer at the brewery...you are an asshole!

24.If you use all the toilet paper but don't replace it...you are an asshole!

25.If you have fog lights on your car and leave them on whether there is fog ornot...you are an asshole!

***Stay tuned for part II in the lucky 13th edition of MM**

MOSES SUPPOSES HIS TOESES ARE ROSEANNE...By Tuxedo Mask

Former Tom Arnold life support system, Roseanne slammed Dreamworks honchos Steven Spielberg and Jeffrey Katzenberg for their film "The Prince of Egypt," saying the word of God didn't need a re-write and calling them "dumb Jews."

Said one executive, "If the word of God doesn't need re-write, how come there's an old and a new testament?"

Roseanne's comments were so insulting that both her viewers called to say they thought she was out of line.

Roseanne converted to Judaism five years ago, which may explain why she is acting like a five year old Jew.

UNIVERSAL OF FORTUNE...By Tuxedo Mask

Universal Music Group laid off more than 500 employees and may let go as many 3,000 to pay for its merger with Polygram NV, at the direction of parent company Seagram.

As many as 200 artists may be cut from Universal's music roster, which includes Sheryl Crow, Boyz II Men, Nine Inch Nails and Luciano Pavorotti ... but savvy accountants have determined that by canning Pavorotti alone, they could save the company millions each year on rigatoni. A huge conglomerate whose holdings include beverage and movie
companies, Seagram has been criticized for distributing cheap wine coolers, dangerously potent brands of whiskey, and the mindnumbing opiate "BASEketball."

Universal controls a diverse group of record labels including A&M, Mercury, Island, Geffen, and Motown...and that's why music today sucks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
VIVA LOST PAGES

Thirty-nine years after asking Elvis Presley for an autograph for her 11th birthday, Elvis fan Karen Golz has finally received Presley's letter. Golz was living in the former West Germany where Elvis was stationed in the Army. The letter was recently found after being mislaid by his barracks landlady.

Presley wrote:
"Dear Karen, may you have a very happy birthday - and lots of teddy bears.
Your friend,
Elvis."

Golz says this finally explains the puzzling letter she received from Elvis two weeks after the first letter was written, that read:
"All right you uppity bitch, don't write me back, what do I care, there's a million more just like you and I'm gonna have 'em all. Love,
Elvis.
P.S. don't listen to the Beatles."

Days after she got the note, Golz received a 39-year-old letter from Colonel Parker threatening a lawsuit for illegal possession of Elvis memorabilia.

In a related story, somebody just got a card from Fabian requesting that he read their gas meter.

I HATE GOING TO THE DENNIS...Also by Tuxedo Mask

After retiring, then semi-retiring, Dennis Rodman has
announced that he will actually play next season. He said these last days were the most complicated and confusing in his life, or at least since he married/unmarried/married Carmen Electra two months ago.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I AM LIKE MIKE

Lee Kealon, a 6'6" man from Wilmington, NC, is so similar looking to Michael Jordan that he is routinely mistaken for #23, by scores of people who have no access to their bank records.

Recently Kealon had the opportunity to meet the real Jordan, who he said was incredibly gracious...at least prior to having him removed by his handlers.

Kealon, 33, owns a construction company and is the deacon of a small Church, which is interesting to only him.

Married too long?...By Sara

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight. The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked," Well, what the hell were you doing then?" "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

Please send all articles, or other funny, or anyother materail that you would like published to mustachemania@hotmail.com Please include your name and/or handle along with your piece to be published.

All comments and critisisms can be sent to mustachemania@hotmail.com also include youname and handle so I can reply and answer you questions or concerns. Thanks.........Ben

***Stories that i am working on for the next edition of Mustache Mania.... Some people have been confused about my handle Bill and Ben, This will be explained so look for it in MM13. Also for all you Canadians, I will tell you the Truth about the rumor of the Abonible snowman on the kokanee...is there one on there or not...I have the answer to that. Also Ask Alice Should be back in as a regular section to MM***

Special thanks to all who have been submitting things for publication, This newsletter wouldn't be the same with out you :{Þ)

this has been a Mustache Mania Production. All mustache names, logos and products are owned and copy righted by Mustache Inc ©1998, 1999