Get paid 8 hours a day for working only 6 or less! Need I say more? Probably not, but there is more. Where else do you get paid to just walk and drive all day long, using a little math here and there, and not have to talk to anyone except a couple people anyday? Time for exercise has never been found easier!

The only stress that you have to deal with are overly protective mutts. But they hand you a can of mace when you leave the office, and your boss sticks up for you, even legally, if a bonehead customer calls up and bitches. "Heya, dis here the DTE? Yeah, da blue guy kicked my rott square in the teeth, and now he's fucking broken. I mean, I paid money to a big-time breeder and the damn thing won't attack the ice cream man anymore."

Even if you see a dog that makes you wonder how any confrontation will turn out, you don't have to read the meter! You can walk away and just skip the house. Hell, even if a customer is nasty or joking to you while you're present, you can skip their meter for that offense too! It's great. The funny thing of the matter is that any house you skip receives an estimated bill, which is 99.999% of the time HIGHER that what the customer usually pays. So in the end, the customer is an idiot because she tells you not to spray or kick her golden retriever/basset hound mix(which by the way is an extremely funny looking dog!), you then skip the house, which is LESS work for you this month and any other future month that you still feel threatened by this customer or her dumb dog, and she ends up paying more for the confrontation! FUCKING FANTASTIC!

Fill out your application today! ~LTF99

Yes, our Orangutan In Chief was in his prime again today, claiming that the "bestest thing that happened during [his] term as your elected [chuckle] big guy was the bombin' of the World Trade Center. Oh, and that's in New York City."

Obviously, Uncle Dick was quickly called upon to clarify that what the president meant was that the nation came together quite well despite the tragedy. "With the love and support poured out by the American people, not to mention a long-forgotten feeling of patriotism that arose from these troubling times, we're able to take our country into war to defend ourselves from future terrorism."  

Mr. Cheney was unavailable afterwards for comment as he was fetching his bosses "jammies with the feet, and his binky." ~LTF99

Announced recently, Eric "The Hippie" Pollard will graduate this spring from Northern Michigan University. He has finally earned his long sought after Bachelors Of Arts in Punkistics with a minor in Hippieism. His future plans include purchasing a newer Volvo, and moving to Ann Arbor to live off of his girlfriend Liza's talent and bright future. In a short interview, {he hung up after only two questions(I can't imagine why...)} he added that the "coolest person [he] met on campus during the course of [his] college life was [his] very first roommate" and "I love celebrating Christmas, but Jesus was a foolish cracka and you're nuts for believing in Him." Perhaps he earned his nickname because it was more fun to say hippie when hypocritical was implied. ~LTF99

The Gay Squirrel made a brief(although he prefers boxers) public appearance today on the courthouse steps as Father Frances A-sissi was found guilty of 3 charges of child molestation. The priest's sentencing hearing will be held tomorrow. The Squirrel expressed deep(his only way) regret and sympathy for the conclusion of this trial. He hopes the judge shall be lenient on the sentence. "Father Sissi was always quite kind to me. He left his nuts on the ground on several occasions during the harsh winters. He greatly enjoyed stroking my tail and his affection will be missed."

On another note, if incarcerated, the Squirrel intends to make conjugal visits frequently. ~LTF99

College Students Against New MIP Policies

New Minor-In-Possession, or MIP, policies were passed recently in Michigan. It used to be that minors could get warned several times before a punishment that might actually deter the behavior came about.

Under the new laws, a first offense is still a warning. A second citation is a mandatory 30 days in jail with a possible $200 fine. A third offense would be 90 days of jail time with a potential $500 fine. Obviously, college students jammed their respective college campuses center plazas with soapboxes and microphone cords. Student government officials bent on keeping their drunkardness a topic of campus pride were present. Fortunately enough, police officials were on site moments later with tear gas launchers. ~LTF99

Frontpage '98 Impossible To Learn?

Basically, it depends on how smart you are. I found it easy to edit tables, add text, pictures, files, hotspots, and hyperlinks. Try it out yourself! It's still available from local computer shows and only runs you about $5-$10. Not bad for a really good webpage editing tool. The only unfortunate thing I've found is that it can't be copied. One of the earliest Microsoft CD's where their anti-duplication techniques were applied. ~LTF99

Movie Review Of The Week: "!NAME OF MOVIE HERE!"

!MOVIE REVIEW HERE!LTF99