HOW TO OBTAIN MARIJUANA

As a senior citizen residing in California, you can obtain marijuana legally if you have a medical need for it. All that's required is a note from your doctor verifying that he/she is treating you for a particular health problem and you can obtain pot from a local cannibas buyers' club like the one where I get my own stash.

(A caveat: California politicos are working to nullify the will of the voters with new attacks against legal medical pot. Stay tuned for further developments.)

Alas, if you live anyplace except California or Arizona, you must commit a crime to get pot. You'll find dealers on street corners in ghettos and barrios or hanging around 7-Eleven stores late at night who will sell you pot at varying prices. However, as a senior citizen you're probably uneasy about buying pot from shady guys on dark corners, so I offer the following tips to help you score and get home in one piece.

Wear rubber-soled shoes and non-restrictive clothing. You may be required to run fast and jump fences and other obstacles should your deal go sour.

Travel in groups. Nothing so terrorizes and confuses gangbangers as the sight of a dozen or so senior citizens moving en masse along the sidewalk with their formidable array of walkers, canes and seeing-eye dogs.

If trouble arises, grab your chest and feign a heart attack. Drop to the ground and demand that somebody call 911. The attacker will be afraid you'll die on him and he'll end up on Death Row. (Practice a death rattle, roll your eyes, mutter about tunnels and bright lights to convince him you are actually in extremis.)

Take only enough money to complete the deal. No jewelry, watches, credit cards, extra cash. Wear old clothes to appear poor and avoid being overcharged by resentful, class-conscious pot dealers.

Have a driver keep the motor running while you transact business with the dealer(s). Your handicapped parking pass will enable you to park near brightly lit buildings and help you make a speedy exit if pursued.

If all else fails, you can always grow marijuana in an unused closet and avoid dark corners altogether.