The_state_of_my_mind

Hello there, and welcome to the section of WombleNET that is devoted to the sometimes-insane ramblings of my mind.
As I state at the bottom of this page, all the views expressed here are what I feel. I hope not to offend anyone, or go into my dark mind too far. If I do go too far, I'm sorry.

So what do feel at this time?
Good Question, and I hope that the following topics will help decide if you wish to continue reading.

People.
Depression.

People.

Where to start? Well, I think that starting at the beginning would be good, but as human existence has been around for may thousands of years, that could be tricky.
So I'll start with a topic that I have considering for a while now.

People in Boxes.

Why is it a done thing for people in this civilised culture to want to put people into boxes? Do the feel that they can deal with them better when they can categorise a person, and remove some of their identity?
Why is it that some people can not go about their daily lives and be who they are, without someone putting this great big label on them? We already have a way of telling each other apart, and telling women form men, so what else do you need?
But No, there are always people that feel a great deal happier if they can put this person into this box, and that person into another.

What type of boxes do I mean? Boxes like Gay, Straight, Bisexual, Depressive, Rich, Poor, Ugly, Beautiful to name but a few.
So why do we do it. I am not great believer in doing this, but as with us all, there are times when it happens naturally. I would like to think that I would only judge a person by what I know them to be, and not on either what they are, or what I have heard but at times this doesn't happen. I would love it if we all groovy and at time think before we acted.

So why do I get so annoyed at the idea of people doing this? Because it happens to me. I see people out and about, and I can imagine what they are thinking. I can see them looking at me thinking things about me, and judging me before they know me. Why do I know this, because this is exactly what I do to them.
So, I'll do it for you, for the people that don't know me, well they may well get the wrong idea from the next section, but that is exactly what I mean.

These are the boxes that I would put myself in, if I were seeing me for the first time:
Fat
Made after the attractive mould was broken
Unfit
Lazy
Depressive
Rich

And one, that I feel rather unsure of. It's a box that I don't think that anyone but me has even considered putting me into:
Very Confused.

OK, if no one else would consider putting me in this box, then why would I my self?
The following is a quote from a letter that was sent to a news group that I read. I don't know why but when I read it, I got a feeling that it could almost be me being described.

The thing is for 3 years I have not got into a situation where I had the chance to be close to a female. At first I though that I was just being unlucky, but, after a while I saw all me mates getting that way, I though about it a bit more. I found out that, even though I liked the company of women, I could never see myself getting any closer than heavy petting. Even now I'm not sure why that is, I suppose that it could be because that I either don't think that way, or it could be something else. I'm not even sure what it could be, but I know that I'm just that little bit different form all my mates. I can't really say that I've met anyone that I found really attractive, male or female. You know, anyone that I would want to spend a large section of me life with, Or many that I would want to spend a small section with. I have though met people that I think that I would like to know a little better, but that's all I would like to do. Just get to know them better, Nothing else (I think that could be a mutual decision).
What it really comes down to is that most of the time, I really don't know how to feel about things, a lot of things normally, but my way of dealing with things is normally among the list.

Taken from Greetings to Eggs R Us by Bill Omble.

And that is the end of that section.

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Depression.
This is in the small hope that I will get heard this way, and that I will have someone to listen to me. I have had just about enough of living where I am, and with the people that I have to live with. Ok so I'm still in halls, but there is still a problem. I can't really just start getting into a new group of friends at this late date, especially as I'm a third year. I have had enough. I'm fed up with people walking all over me, thinking that I shouldn't or don't care about anything at all, and more than that, Thinking that I should care about he think that is just a silly little game, football. Yer I know that it seems as though I have decided to live with the wrong people, but I didn't really have much choice. The rest of my mates have gone and either got themselves years' out, or have moved in with their girlfriends.
I have been a victim for the last 15 (at least) years, and have now become resigned to the fact that I say always be one. But it doesn't mean to say that I have to like it. I certainly don't. I need some new friends, some people that I like, and people that like me for who I am, and not what I've got. In the first year I was taken to one side by of the Third years here, and I had a really deep and meaningful chat. One of the things that she said was that I shouldn't have to try and buy friends. People should like me for who I am, and not what I can get for them. I can't help but feel that that is true.

Taken from Enough again by Bill Omble.

Yes, I started with a quote from another letter by Bill Omble. I don't know who he is, and I don't need to. All that I do know is that he and I share the same feelings on a lot of topics.

From one quote to another.

"You smash your hand through a windowpane and then there is blood and shattered glass all over the place. Stitches and casts and bandages and antiseptic solve and salve the wounds. But depression is not a sudden disaster. It's more like a cancer: At first its tumourous mass is not even noticeable to the careful eye, and then one day - wham! - there is a huge, deadly seven pound lump lodged in your brain or your stomach or your shoulder blade, and this thing that your own body has produced is actually trying to kill you."

Taken from Prozac Nation - Young and depressed in America by (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

I know the feeling, but I also know the motivation behind doing an act as violent, and self-abusive as smashing your hand through a windowpane. There are times recently when I don't know how to carry on. Times when I really needed to sit down and talk to someone, and have them listen.
But there are problems with this when your shy and in an area where you know no-one. Who can you turn to. You can either over come the shyness, or do something else. Something like this.
I want to share with you a final quote, this time not by Bill Omble.
"I know that I can't be alone in thinking that sometimes that life is not even worth carrying on with. Times that ending it all would be a blessing for all involved. But then I don't know if I could ever do that. I don't think that I could ever jump, slash, or swallow my way into history. But one day I may try. Not, you understand, to succeed, but as a final call for the help that I so desperately need...
"There are days when I wake up and even then think that I hate my life, that my life should become better. But the big question is how that is likely to happen. Would everything get better if I did have someone to go home to, someone who really cares for me, and respects me for what I am? I don't think that all the problems and layers of depression would go away, but some might...
"I have been asked why I don't go and see a Doctor about this problem, and I do agree that it is a problem. There is a simple answer. For some reason I always feel embarrassed about going to the doctors when I'm physically ill, for some reason I feel that I shouldn't be there, that all I would be doing is wasting everyone's time, the Doctors, the other patients, and especially mine. So can you imagine what I feel like, even considering seeing one about a problem that has no obvious physical symptoms? I don't think that you can."

Farewell. Womble

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Any views and opinions expressed here are that of the author only.
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