101 Ways to be a "Real Woman" 1. Be a bitch 2. Your best friends are your worst enemies 3. Have more shoes than you will ever wear 4. Have lots of outfits and still complain you have nothing to wear 5. NEVER make up your mind 6. Double standars are a woman's prerogative 7. Two words: Fashionably late 8. Hate sports 9. Love athlete's butts though 10. If you don't get your way, pout 11. If pouting doesn't work, yell 12. If yelling doesn't work, pretend you never wanted it in the first place 13. Talk nice to other women, but as soon as they leave, start ripping on them 14. Keep secrets from your male friends 15. Do what your friends do so you don't stand out in a crowd 16. Then, be upset when no one ever notices you 17. Drink Coors Light 18. Always keep secrets, unless it's about one of your friends or it's really good 19. Drop hints about what you want guys to do, but NEVER what you really want them to do 20. If a guy can't figure out what you want, he's not trying hard enough 21. If a guy tries too hard, dump him 22. Say you want to go out with nice guys, but only if they're really cute 23. Watch 90210 and Melrose Place 24. Keep stuffed animals until (or sometimes after) you get married 25. Wear a provocative dress, then say things like "I don't see what the big deal is!" 26. Be "Daddy's little girl" 27. Never go to the bathroom alone 28. Never tell anyone what exactly it is you do in pairs in the bathroom 29. Never have an individual thought 30. Remember: Guys are always wrong 31. When a song that you like comes on the radio, start singing even though you can't sing at all 32. If someone asks what type of music you like, say "Everything" 33. Then say you hate rap, country, classical, and heavy metal 34. Love Disney movies because they remind you of your childhood. Then be upset at guys for being immature 35. ALWAYS be on a diet 36. Be jealous if your boyfriend ever talks to another woman 37. Act outraged when guys look at women, but comment on how EVERY guy is cute or not 38. Never make the first move 39. On dates, always let the guy pay for everything 40. Say you're going to change everything about your life, then cut your hair and keep everything else the same 41. Lots and lots of makeup 42. Even if you're saying something boring, whisper it so it appears more interesting 43. Always have more weight to lose 44. Ten minutes late is really ten minutes early 45. Avoid confrontation 46. Get upset if you step on a bug 47. Save yourself for marriage, unless the guy is really cute or you're really drunk (or, preferably, both) 48. If a nail breaks, it's the end of the world 49. Flick your hair around a lot 50. Everyone waits for you; you never wait for anyone 51. It's OK to fall in love with guys because they're the only ones who show an interest in you, no matter how misguided 52. Claim pornography is beneath you, but enjoy "erotica" 53. Change your outfit at least 3 times before you go out, thus ensuring you will be fashionably late 54. On a first date, go on and on about your last boyfriend 55. During sex, decide you want to quit right at the last second. The guy will be wondering so much about what he missed that he'll be begging you to see him again 56. Be able to identify all of your friends problems and none of your own 57. Take at least an hour to get ready in the morning 58. Always wear your best clothes and makeup, because you never know who you'll run into getting your mail 59. If another woman sleeps with a guy you like, she's a slut 60. Cry often 61. Let others make decisions for you; then complain about them 62. If someone doesn't say hi to you, it means they hate you 63. Tell anyone who will listen about your period 64. Only go to the bathroom in "female bathrooms" 65. At work, ask somebody else to do things for you, then complain that they never give you any responsibility 66. Lie about your weight 67. Even if you've only talked to someone for five minutes, they're a friend 68. If a guy says hi to you, he must be interested 69. Say you like kinky things, but only have sex in the missionary position 70. Get frustrated when you're not the center of attention 71. Comment often on how fat you are 72. Comment often on how fat your friends are 73. Blame the media for creating a certain image of beauty, especially if you're not attractive 74. Practice rolling your eyes and saying "whatever" 75. Compare every guy you meet to your ex-boyfriend 76. Flirt with guys in bars just to get free drinks 77. Love your pet more than your boyfriend 78. When you laugh, say "HeHe" in a REALLY high voice 79. Hate other women who wear the same clothes as you 80. Watch movies like "Thelma and Louise" and anything with Meryl Streep 81. Say you have an open mind, tehn get really offended when someone talks about sex 82. Read Cosmopolitan and Glamour and Vogue, etc. 83. Get pissed off if a guy leaves the toilet seat up 84. Look down before going to the bathroom, to make sure some guy didn't leave the toilet seat up and you don't fall in 85. Have absolutely no athletic ability 86. If nobody's talking, it's a perfect opportunity to tell everyone everything you did today, in full detail 87. If you don't like a guy, just string him along until he loses interest 88. If a guy hasn't called for 3 months, continue to think that he's just biding his time 89. Flirt with guys to get them to like you 90. If you don't know how to react to a situation, cry 91. Only talk about things that mean something to you, like your hair, your clothes, your boyfriend, etc. 92. Bitch about your problems, then when someone offers to help, say you don't need their help 93. Be attracted to guys who treat you like shit 94. Overreact to minor situations 95. Deal with stress by shopping or eating (both is even better) 96. Develop crushes on guys you will never, ever have a chance with 97. Define yourself by those around you 98. Have no ability to handle criticism 99. Cut your hair in the latest craze 100. Paint your toenails, then never walk around in bare feet 101. Remember: You're only a slut if you sleep with a lot of guys AND you enjoy it written by Kevin Bristow