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GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups (or large offices!).
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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BUMPER STICKERS
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...isn't that cute!
I need someone really bad...are you really bad?
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
My kid is honor inmate of the month.
Help wanted: Telepathy...you know where to apply.
Hang up and drive.
Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
Guns don't kill people...postal workers do.
God must love stupid people. He made so many.
Smile! It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
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HEADLINES
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
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