1- A small cactus

2- A scorpion

3- Anything covered in superglue

4- Anything white hot

5- Anything securely manacled to your wrist

6- A lit stick of dynamite

7- An anvil

8- A baton-shaped piece of margarine

9- Your willie

10- Someone elses willie;

8 Occasions When You Don't Want The Virgin Mary To Appear Unto You:

1- While walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls

2- During your psychiatric evaluation

3- Just when you're trying to convince your wife that you haven't got another woman in the house

4- Just when you're about to bring your jumbo jet into land at Heathrow

5- Just as you're in the process of applying some preparation H…

6- When you're shaving off your pubic hair

with a cutthroat razor

7- While attempting to summon the devil

8- While dressing up in your wife's clothes and parading up and down in front of the mirror;