Liam Gallagher is expected to undergo surgery today to re-graft part of his excessively hairy eyebrow. Gallagher, well known for his ape-like hirstuteness, lost his furry appendage in an incident involving a lone assailant and a ‘Ladyshave’ at a London night-club during the early hours of Wednesday morning.

Although a team of crack medical staff (Dr Green from ER, Charlie form Casualty and that doctor from Chicago Hope) have been assembled, it is thought to be unlikely that Liam will ever have a single eyebrow ever again. As Dr. Green explains:

"Well Susan, only part of Gallagher’s eyebrow was kept in beer, so we only have half the amount of over eye hair we need for someone of his freakily hairy nature. What we really need is another primate like a rock star so we can perform a greasy hair transplant."

A number of potential donors have already stepped forward to donate excess hair to the monkey god of rock. Gary Stringer has taken time out from promoting Reef’s new single ‘Gwararararararaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Hoo Yeah!’ to offer any of his bodyhair. Likewise, Supergrass’s Gaz Coombes has agreed to shave off his sideburns. Not for Liam though, it’s just they make him look a right twat.

Unfortunately the doctors’ first choice for an attempted transplant, Northern Uproar, are still unavailable. London Zoo have announced they will release the band as soon as the Chimps’ Tea Party is over.

STOP PRESS! Police have arrested a suspect in connection with the Gallagher eyebrow shaving. The man (described as being sulky, artistic and from Darn Sarth) has been identified as one Damon Albarn. Albarn claims to be the lead singer of a "rival group" called "Blur." Police are asking for anyone familiar with the pub circuit who can collaborate Albarn’s claims to come forward.

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