M Jamiroquai are uncertain of their future after JK’s furry hat, Gilbert, announced its decision to pursue a solo career. M Tory party chairman, Dr Brian Mawhinney, has been pencilled in as the ‘Sarlacc pit monster’ in the upcoming Star Wars prequels. M US X-Files fans ran riot after Gillian Anderson exclaimed "It’s not real! It’s just a TV show for Christ’s sake!! Haven’t you losers got lives or something?" M The Smurfs’ are in hiding after accidentally ‘dissing’ political hip-hop stars Public Enemy in their last single "Yo! Bum rush the Smurf." "Those little blue muthas are dead!" says rapper Chuck D. M Ex-Black Flag frontman and all-round psycho bloke Henry Rollins is to replace Mel B as Scary Spice while the frizzy haired one goes on holiday. M Radiohead’s Thom Yorke has been revealed as the musical genius behind Gena G’s ‘Fresh’ album. M Crispian Mills’ guest appearance on ‘The Muppets’ fell flat when he was mistaken for one half of Andy and Randy pig. M And finally, Eastender’s Bianca has been replaced by a Chemical Brothers sample loop of two enmeshed chainsaws. Producers say the change has gone completely unnoticed. M

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