1. "And I've left every penny of my £600,000 estate to Tiddles, even though I only bought him this afternoon"

2. "As you're my favourite grandchild, I've decided to have your name tattooed on the inside of my thigh, look..."

3. "And here's the nice lime green sleeveless pullover with matching mittens I knitted you for your birthday"

4. "Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have all of your fingers pulled out of their sockets, one-by-one, by a berserk old-aged pensioner?"

9 things that Magnus Magnusson would never say to contestants on Mastermind.

1. Isn't this a cr*p university?

2. You were absolutely useless on your specialist subject.

3. Not another boring civil servant.

4. Weren't you once a man?

5. I've run out of questions

6. And at the buzzer, Mr. Jenkins, I'm sorry to say you've scored f**k all.

7. You give your occupation as 'goat castrator'?

8. The first contestant tonight is dead ugly.

9. Smart*rse.

1. Oi, pig!

2. Of course I've been drinking..

3. Here's £3.50 to forget all about it.

4. Keep watch whilst I throw ammonia in the guards face.

5. What about the Birmingham Six, eh?

6. Psst! Interested in a Sony video recorder, 60 quid?

7. You'll never take me alive copper!

8. I wish to make an official complaint about a police officer.

1. Some homicidal maniac who's violently claustrophobic.

2. Some hard case who says you remind him of his girlfriend.

3. Some pervert who say you remind him of his dog.

4. head case who says you remind him of his bathtub.

5. Anyone called 'Beefy Steve'.

6. Dr. Hannibal Lector.

7. Bruce Forsyth.

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