· Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

· No good deed ever goes unpunished.

· A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

· A straight line is the shortest distance between two points.

· If you try to please everybody, no one will like it.

· You'll always find something in the last place you look.

· If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll soon get over it.

· Leak proof seals will.

· Interchangeable parts won't.

· Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.

· The chance a piece of bread falling jammy side down is directly proportional to the carpet.

· In order to get a bank loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

· Anything you try to fix, will always take longer and cost more than a replacement.

· Build a system that even a fool could use and only a fool will use it.

· Celibacy is not hereditary.

· If it works, don't fix it.

· Everything good in life is either immoral, illegal or fattening.

· No matter how long you shop for an item, after you've bought it, you'll find it on sale somewhere cheaper.

· All guarantees expire the day an item stops working.

· Never eat prunes on an empty stomach.

· No-one's life, liberty, or property are safe while Parliament is in session.

· If you fool around with something for long enough, you'll eventually screw it up.

· A £500 item will always protect a 10p fuse by blowing first.

· If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

· Everyone should believe in something; I believe I'll have another drink.

· He who has gold makes the rules.

· If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what’s going on.

· In case of doubt, make it sound more convincing.

· A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.