Violent crime rates in Castleford and the surrounding area have plummeted from their seasonal average. This worrying trend has the local police almost raising their heads from their doughnuts in distraction.

"We don't know what's going on," said D.I. Fingers. "Usually at this time of the year little old ladies are dropping like flies outside the Post Offices. We don't have the foggiest what's going on. We may even have to investigate this one." Not likely.

All the clues seem to lead to the disturbing notion that the youth of West Yorkshire have (gulp) `something better to do` than to hang around on street corners acting hard. Although what this might be is best left to the imagination.

It has been argued, by such academics as Dr. Bradley (B.S.C S.S.C), that the government has tainted the latest batch of T.B. inoculations with an unknown chemical compound designed to cause the victim to stay in at night doing their homework.

"It ain't natural," said Mrs. Braithwait, senior citizen. "The youth of today should be out enjoying themselves, meeting girls, playing football and hanging around on street corners acting hard," she continued. " When I come out of the post office, I expect to be set upon by at least six of 'em, and now I find that they're at home reading! I tell you it's not right."

This same view is echoed by D.I. Fingers. "We're used to not acting against crime. Not, not acting against no crime. I tell you it's left us all confused it has. I mean, I nearly arrested someone yesterday!" Wonders will never cease.

Whatever the cause, the effect is here, and it looks likely to stay for the foreseeable future. It may be a long time before we can once again walk down to the shop in fear of our lives.

This is raving reporter Michael Grey, signing off for N.L.W.