GOD MAKES SOME SORT OF MISTAKE
NEW YORK, NY--Although everyone already knows this, this reporter must
report upon it anyway. Tuesday afternoon at 11:34am EST a loud booming
thump was heard coming from
all possible directions, including the sky and ground and within every
individual being. The thump was louder than can be described and
was immediately followed by an omnipotent voice which clearly yelled, "MYSELF
BE DAMNED! THAT HURTS LIKE HELL!" The voice was heard by all
people in their respective languages causing everyone to double over in
excruciating pain for
a period of 4 minutes. All people agree it was the voice of their
respective God but are in a quandary as to what happened to him, her, or
it. The United Nations met today to discuss the matter and have concluded
that something was dropped by God, causing him pain. Theologians
are now debating as to whether it is possible for God to drop something
or not, and whether or not he, she or it will drop something else.
RAPPERS MEET TO SET NEW STREET PHRASE
LOS ANGELES, CA.--The 14th Annual Rap Artist Idiomatic Convention met
last week to discuss nominations for the new street phrase to be released
into pre-teen youth culture via their music. The board this year
included such notables as Snoop Doggy Dog, Foxy Brown, LL Cool J, Dr. Dre,
Coolio, Mase, Puff Daddy, Queen Latifa, Missy Misdemeanor Elliot, and Suge
Knight via teleconference. Among the nominees for this year were:
"Yo Mama Don' Even Sass Me!" "Mah Beepa Don' Beep Dat!" "Yo Credit Limit
Be Maxed!" "Take a Deep Breath Baby, An It'll Allll Fit!" "Da Wheel Is
Turnin' But Da Hamsta be Dead!" "What Come Outta Yo Mouf?!" and a revival
of the 70's "Sit On It!" After a four-hour deliberation, the board
voted on a second term for last year's "UmmmHmmmmm! It's All Good!"
due to its use on several albums slated for release next year. The
board also discussed a motion introduced by Will Smith to set limits on
sampling per album, but the argument was quickly ended by Puff Daddy with
a barrage of gunfire at the overhead projector. In related news,
the 12th Annual Alternative Rock Council met the previous week to discuss
new uses for the word "jaded," and whether "angst" is a good thing or not.
MOVIE TO BE ALL CUTE DANCING AND SINGING SCENES
HOLLYWOOD, CA.--Trystar Pictures has announced a new movie to be released
early next year called "The Meaning of Divorce". The movie will be
"just what the audience has always wanted," said John Pelton, producer
of the new movie. "We have done exhaustive studies of what the audience
really wants in a movie by installing galvanic sensors under movie theater
seats all around the nation. What we found out was that people's
asses sweat more when they are watching the main characters of a movie
doing a cute singing and/or dancing scene in the middle of a movie, like
when Ted Danson, Steve Guttenburg, and Tom Selleck sang to the baby in
'Three Men and a Baby,' or when Julia Roberts and those other people sang
in 'My Best Friend's Wedding.' It's that stuff that people like,
not boring dialog or intricate plots." Pelton said the movie will
be a light comedy about the pain of divorce and the devastation it incurs
toward the children. "I can't give out much more than that other
than it will have 32 singing and dancing numbers with the big stars such
as Arnold Schwartzenegger, Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis, Halle Berry, Gina
Davis, and Goldie Hawn racking up the cuteness factor as they sing to babies
with old 50's and 60's stuff that happens to be on the radio at the moment,"
said Pelton, adding "Oh, and if you think right away that this is just
a musical, you're dead wrong. I don't know why, but it just isn't."
SATAN APPEARS NEAR EIFFEL TOWER, ASKS FOR SHAVED ICE
PARIS, FRANCE--In a shocking and disturbing scene yesterday, Satan
appeared out of nowhere beside the Eiffel Tower in a cloud of sulfuric
smoke and a flash of red fire. As people scattered, the Devil made
his way straight for a nearby italian-shaved ice stand and ordered a "suicide"
which is all the flavors mixed together in one ice cone. After enjoying
his ice for several minutes, Beelzebub encouraged the cowering crowd to
not be afraid and then started making jokes about his penis size being
bigger than the Eiffel Tower. This warmed up the crowd and the Prince
of Darkness then allowed several tourists to take their pictures with him.
"A picture with me is like a contract, you know! Ha ha ha ha!
Just kidding there!" he joked to Ronald Mandon, a tourist from the United
States. As reporters began to arrive, the Hell Master said he had
to go. "I just came up for a shaved ice. That's good stuff.
Nice and cool! I'll see some of you around! Heh heh," Satan
chuckled as he became a black hole that instantly inverted upon itself
and disappeared. Franz Timbon, the italian-shaved ice vendor who
sold the Devil the ice, said "He no pay!"
12 YEAR OLD WRITES AUTOBIOGRAPHY
SCRANTON, N.J.--Cindy Louann Pinkerton, age 12, announced today the
release of her new autobiography "Days of Bells and Barbies" from Simon
and Shuster Publishers. In a book-signing ceremony at Barns and Noble
Booksellers, Pinkerton told the press that the autobiography covers all
12 of her years on this planet "with no detail left hidden." "It's
got it all: the playgrounds, the classrooms, the spankings, the things
I've seen under the table, and all the dirt on what I've overheard my parents
say when they thought they were alone," said Pinkerton, adding "But there
is so much more than that, too. I really show the cathartic transformation
of my childhood journey when my ego seperated gloriously from the dark
uroboros of my mother and father figures to become its own center of the
universe." Pinkerton stated that she felt the need "to get this important
stuff out to the people," and that "there are a million stories like mine
to be told." Her agent, JoAnn Thombell, stated that Pinkerton already
has a $500,000 advance for her next book tentatively titled, "All Pubed
Out." "But I really want to get into music and change the world in
a major way like Fiona has," said Pinkerton.
HUNTERS TRY AND MAKE CASE FOR DEER MISSILES
BUTTE, MONTANA--The Rocky Mountain Hunters Association and the NRA
met last Monday with U.S. Federal Marshall-in-Chief, Frank Doke, and ATF
Director, John Groom, to discuss the approval and use of short range, mini
Tomahawk missiles, or "Deer Missiles" as dubbed by the hunting consortium.
RMHA Chairman, Bubba Thomlinson, said in his opening proposal, "We here
the sport hunters of America need them there deer missiles! We can't
find the deer or other animals anymores an I don' know why, but maybe they
is gettin' too wiley fer us. It's gettin' so's a man don' even see
himself a deer on his four or five day huntin' trip, an iffen he does,
it is so fars away that he ain't gonna get a good shot at the critter.
We need them missiles to lock in on target and make the kill! This
would make the sport of hunting fair again, jus like God intended it!"
The RMHA conceded that the missiles would not have to be armed with explosives,
and would surely kill targeted animals by sheer force of impact.
NRA Chairman, Charlton Heston, was on hand to give his group's support
to "the basic human right to launch any type of deadly projectile."
Groom was overheard after the meeting saying to Doke, "See, you just smile
and let them get this stuff off their chest every once in a while, otherwise
they hole up somewhere in some godforsaken arsenal and go even more nuts."
ELDERLY GANG FIGHT ERUPTS AT SENIOR CENTER
DALLAS, TX--The elderly gang, El Loco Viejos, were involved in an altercation
with a rival elderly gang, The Sons of War, on Sunday afternoon at the
Manheim Senior Center in downtown Dallas. 38 people were injured
mostly with broken hips and skin tears during the melee which involved
several canings, four walker stabbings, ten wheelchair rammings, and deliberate
depends-diaper slinging. The fight apparantly broke out after an
argument between several of the rival gang members while they were observing
the center's pool being drained and cleaned. El Loco Viejo homegirl,
Janet Pizarro, said, "The homeboys were fighting over how the pool should
be drained and cleaned properly. Saying 'In my day this, and in my
day that.' It's always 'In my day,' with these cabrons!" William
Getty, a member of The Sons of War, stated, "In Pearl Harbor, we cleaned
the officer's pool during the raid! So we know how that shit is done
and how it should be done! The Viejos need to step off!" William
then went into cardiac arrest and was taken away by paramedics. Pool
cleaner, Josh Follet, stated after the pool area was cleared, "I think
these old people should get medication before they come here."
MOTHER WITH ONE CHILD INSISTS SHE'S EXPERT
PHOENIX, AZ--Janette Rae Tornell insists she knows everything there
is to know about childbirth after having her son, Deryk Ray, 10 years ago.
Janette Rae decided to only have one child, but stands by her position
as an 'expert' on having kids. When around friends or in any social
climate, she will gladly give her two-cents on childbirth. "I was
in labor for 5 hours, and boy it was an experience you do NOT want to go
through voluntarily, let me tell you," Janette Rae says. "Oh!
I thought he'd never come out! 8 pounds! 8 pounds, I tell you!
No one has EVER gone through
what I've had to endure!" Janette Rae recently started up her
own website, www.birthexpert.com,
in which she gives lengthy, informative accounts on how to give birth
to a child. "It's for all those
women out there who want to know what having a baby is all about.
Believe me, I know what it's like and can fill you in," she says.
The site includes a downloadable video of Janette Rae's birthing of Deryk
Ray, along with his measurements and a pain index. Janette Rae adds,
"Babies are wonderful, but you gotta know what you're doing when they come
out, let me tell you."
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