WOMAN SUES NEWBORN
NEWARK, N.J.-- A twenty-nine year old woman had her lawyers present
during her labor and delivery of a 7lb. 4oz. boy on April 2nd at 10:04
a.m. to serve the newborn with a lawsuit for "unreasonable pain and suffering,
lost work wages totaling $7,000 dollars, and disturbance of personal peace
during normal sleep hours of plaintiff." This makes the infant the
youngest human to ever be sued in human history. Roger Martins, deputy
sheriff, was present to hand over the summons to the baby's lawyer, Ralph
Dibbs. Responded Dibbs, "We will contest this suit all the way to
the Supreme Court! My client is innocent of all charges by reason
of insanity due to being immersed in a watery environment which is disorienting
to the senses! My client was also influenced by the plaintiff's insistence
on eating spicy foods during pregnancy!" The mother, Carla Doughtery,
was heard to scream during the delivery, "And add malicious, inhuman torture
to that!!" Dr. Arbor M.D., OB/GYN, who was present and handled the
delivery of the newborn stated, "I think you'll see more and more of these
things in the future. Some of these moms can get pretty angry.
I guess I'm glad I'm retiring next week!" Mrs. Doughtery is asking
for 10 million dollars in damages. Her lawyers, Frank and Dutch Pistolema,
would not comment on the case due to "the defendant's possible eavesdropping
and manipulation of the facts," said Frank. The newborn (name withheld)
cried loudly when spanked by the doctor, at which point Mr. Dibbs yelled,
"See! See! Abuse! Abuse! We're gonna counter sue!"
BOY PUTS OUT EYES OF ENTIRE FAMILY WHILE RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
AKRON, OHIO.-- 11 yr. old John Trellish poked out the eyes of
his father, mother, and younger sister on Monday while running through
his house with scissors in his hand. In the freak accident, John
tripped after retrieving scissors from the kitchen and running back to
the living room to finish an art project. In the ensuing fall the
scissors, unfortunately held with the pointy ends out, plunged into the
eyes of his father, Mr. Trellish. The reaction of horror made John
leap backward and carelessly gouge out his mother's eyes, and at this point
John then stumbled over a chair while startled by the screaming and fell
upon his older sister, Teri, inadvertently jamming the scissors into her
eye sockets.
All three family members were treated at Woods Hospital and were pronounced
permanently blind in both eyes. "I guess I never really paid attention
to my parents when they told me not to run with sharp stuff," said John.
John's parents stated they still loved John but were grounding him for
a month for staining the carpet with blood. "That'll just never come
out," said Mrs. Trellish. "A month!," responded John, "A whole month?!
Come on! It's not even my blood!" John's sister had no comment.
KICK-ASS JUDGES TO BE INSTITUTED IN AMERICAN LEGAL SYSTEM
WASHINGTON D.C.-- The United States Supreme court today approved
the immediate institution of the "Kick-Ass Judge" in all American courtrooms.
The new-type judge was overwhelmingly approved recently by Congress and
the President after the "99.8% effective" results and "77% reduction in
legal system cost" predictions were released on Tuesday after a 2
year pilot study. The study detailed the Kick-Ass Judge's use of
increased common sense and "bullshit detection" techniques added to an
increased "power of decision". One court case study followed K.A.
Judge, Madeline Stewple, in Detroit, M.I. where she reduced the city's
5th District Court load by 93%. In one of her sited cases, K.A. Judge
Stewple threw a case out of court within 6 seconds of hearing the complaint
of a Mr. Jon Tews against a local fast-food chain which served coffee "unreasonably
hot" and allegedly caused Mr. Tews to burn his upper lip. "Coffee
is goddamn HOT! You idiot! Get the hell out of this court room!"
yelled Stewple at the plaintiff who was seeking 2.3 million dollars in
damages. In another test district in Utah, K.A. Judge, Ronald Darrens,
threw out a case before it was even fully presented! An attorney
for a Mr. Simmons began offering his case against the U.S. Bureau of Land
Management for neglect and damages related to his client's tripping accident
over an allegedly "ill placed rock" in the Moab State Park when Judge Darrens
barked, "I don't want to hear the rest of it! Get the hell out of
here before I find a bigger rock to drop on both of yer heads!! Case
dismissed!" The U.S. Supreme Court offered this written statement
to the press last Friday about the new K.A. Judges: "You better have
a damn good reason to bring your case to court from now on! Life's
a bitch, and we ain't afraid to let you know about that!"
VAMPIRE HUNTERS DISCOVER RESISTANT STRAIN OF VAMPIRE
ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA-- Vlad Drucker, Head of the North American
Vampire Hunter Association, announced during a community health meeting
on Tuesday that he and his colleagues have come across a "new breed of
Vampire that is resistant to the wooden stake." The traditional "wooden-stake-through-the-heart
treatment" has been used for centuries to exterminate the Vampire population
wherever it may proliferate. "But now we are finding more and more
Vampires who are unaffected by this treatment. They actually pull
the wooden stake out of their chests and laugh at you in your face while
you barely have time to hold up a cross and get away!" Drucker reported.
The NAVHA attributes this resistant strain of Vampire to incompetent misuse
of the wooden stake treatment. "I can't tell you how many times some
amateur has driven the wooden stake into the right side of the chest!
The heart is on the left side!" exclaimed Drucker.
Drucker states he and his colleagues are working on a more effective
stake. "We are having a lot of luck with stakes made of titanium,
but more tests are needed."
WOMAN SUES HERSELF FOR SMOKING
LANSING, MICHIGAN-- Carla Burghoff, 48 yrs old, in an unprecedented
case filed suit against herself for smoking two and a half packages of
cigarettes daily for the past 29 years. Burghoff found out she had
lung cancer in October of 1997, "and I knew it was my fault for smoking
so much." Burghoff stated to the press gathered around her hospital
bed on Wednesday, "I always knew smoking was bad and could cause cancer,
but I did it anyway." When asked if she blamed the tobacco companies
in any way, she replied, "No, why? It's not their fault I enjoyed
this nasty, dirty habit for 29 years. I loved to smoke! I still
do, in fact! But I'm also a self-destructive idiot!" Mrs. Burghoff
is seeking $7,000 in damages, "because that's how much I'm worth right
now and I want to be fair about it." William Bench, an R.J. Reynolds
Tobacco Co. representative, was present asking Burghoff if she'd be consider
being their poster girl, but she began coughing too much for further questions
and the press conference went outside for awhile to smoke.
PSYCHIC NETWORK EMPLOYEE DISCOVERS SHE IS A REAL PSYCHIC
LOS ANGELES, CA.-- Psychic Network 'Psychic', Pearl Bruder, shocked
her fellow employees last week when she began making actual, specific predictions.
"Usually our psychics just make stuff up," states Psychic Network
President, Don Xanadu. "They look up the caller's name on their computer
with the internet and credit information which shows all sorts of demographic
and personal information. Then, they act like they know all this
stuff. If the caller is really gullible, then the psychic will just
make a bunch of crap and keep the yahoo on the phone for hours."
But fellow employees were amazed when Bruder "just turned off her computer
and started telling her callers all sorts of real stuff that really matters,"
said fellow Psychic, Janelle Tootsman. "I said, 'You GO, Girl!'"
In the remainder of Wednesday's workday, Bruder prevented 4 major heart
attacks, 2 airline disasters, a bank robbery, and 48 bad marriages.
Bruder plans to quit the Psychic Network, "and really help mankind!"
GIANT SEA TURTLE LEADS SCIENTISTS ON WILD GOOSE CHASE
MONTEREY, CA.-- Scientists announced Thursday at the Monterey
Oceanographic and Marine Biology Institute that they were led on a "wild
goose chase" by a "large sea turtle," last Fall. John Fornip, biologist,
told the press conference "We found the turtle in August near San Francisco
about 10 miles off the coast and were amazed to discover it could talk
to us. It told us it could lead us to a secret cave full of treasures
collected by all the sea turtles of the world." The 7 man, 2 woman
crew of the Institute's research vessel, Roxanne, at that point in time
decided to abandon their current project in order to follow the turtle.
After a four and a half month journey around the Pacific Rim the scientists
realized that the turtle was lying. "We came to our senses and suddenly
realized that turtles can't talk. What the hell were we thinking?"
stated Bobbie Dernwall, captain of the Roxanne. Senior research coordinator,
Jan Palmer, added "I think it was that stupid cook using the specimens
for our meals again! We all tripped out on something." The
Institute's Chairman, Horace Mandible, released this statement: "The
crew of our research vessel, Roxanne, will be suspended and this matter
looked into immediately. I would also be interested in finding that
interesting turtle."
TIPPER GORE DISCOVERED AS A CLOSET ZAPPA-FAN
WASHINGTON, D.C.-- In an investigation of the Gore household
allowed by the Senate Whitewater Committee it was discovered that Tipper
Gore, wife of Vice-President Gore and founder of the PMRC (Parents Music
Resource Committee, which launched in the early eighties to combat profane
language and ideas modern rock music exposed to children and teenagers
and created album ratings labeling), has a remarkable collection of Frank
Zappa albums and bootlegs. Frank Zappa was at the forefront in the
early 80's of fighting the censorship of the PMRC and continued battling
it until his death in the early 90's. His music was considered by
Mrs. Gore to be the very epitome of "bad taste and trash-mindedness".
When the discovery of the music collection was made known to Mrs. Gore
on Saturday, her response was candid: "Yes, I hated Zappa's music
at first, but after listening to it over and over--for PMRC purposes--it
grew on me. I mean, come on! He was brilliant! 'You Are
What You Is' is the song of the eighties! 'Titties and Beer' is very,
very funny! And I especially like 'Nanuck Rubs It'! Yes, yes,
I listen to Zappa. I am a Zappa-fan, and I don't care if Al or anybody
else knows it!" Mrs. Gore then revealed that Vice-President Gore
"is a big fan of N.W.A. He can rap any of their songs from heart!
I hear him doing it in the bathroom all the time. Can you dig that?"
The Vice-President could not be reached for comment.
EXTRATERRESTRIAL ALIENS FINALLY CONFIRMED
ROSWELL, NM-- The U.S. Air Force in a joint press conference
with the CIA announced today at 9:00 a.m. that "aliens did in fact land
in Roswell 50 years ago." Spokesman for the Joint Commission On Extraterrestrial
Invasion, Dr. Jack Caufield, said to the large press conference, "The Air
Force was always aware of this fact, but contrary to popular myth we do
not have an alien craft or alien bodies in our possession. The reason
their existence has been kept top-secret is that they escaped from the
crash site and somehow assimilated into the local community. We don't
know how many "people" in Roswell are actually aliens at this time, but
our best guess is over 5500. We have tried our best to locate these
aliens, but they have successfully eluded all our attempts over the years,
until now." Dr. Caufield then announced that his team has identified
and captured one of the original aliens who has been masquerading as "Coby
Dean Thompson" for the past 50 years as a local pig farmer. "After
intense interrogation, we have discovered our worst fears have been relieved,"
said Dr. Caufield. "These aliens simply ran away from their oppressive
planet and hoped to start a restaurant and a new life here on Earth.
They cunningly perpetuated the alien hype in America to provide a reverse
psychology cover for themselves. The money they are making from the
alien souvenir and festival popularity is going for a sign which they plan
to launch into orbit around the Earth. The sign will say, 'Opening
Soon!! The Zentaaaav All-You-Can-Eat Emporium!!!' We welcome
these friends from another world and their industriousness!" Dr.
Caufield did admit during questioning afterwards that he did not know what
the aliens planned to have on the menu.
FISHERMAN GETS OVER PAST TRAUMA IN A HURRY
TAVENUI, FIJI-- In the northern Fiji Island of Tavenui in the
fishing village of Gampau a 35 year
old man, Heuno Dahueeno, was beaten on Wednesday afternoon after he
refused to go on the morning fishing trip with the rest of the village
fishermen. "I told them about my terrible past and how depressed
I was about my inner-child being repressed by the memories of my abusive
father who
beat me once or twice. And also about my mother who could not
fulfill the paternal role I sought
any more than she could her own maternal one due to her heavy drinking
and sleeping all the time.
I felt I couldn't function anymore as the darkness of my past and the
anger I felt overcame me."
Chief Fisherman, Dapuoo Hona, responded, "We told Heuno to cut his
crap, get off his butt, and get to work, or we'd set his ass adrift on
the big, lonely sea and then see how long he 'couldn't function'!"
Later that day Heuno decided, "that I'd better get back to work!
Gotta catch fish to eat, you know!"
He was observed whistling as he prepared his nets for the evening's
fishing run.
WALMART PLANS SUPER-DILLY-DUPER STORE
LINCOLN, NEBRASKA--WalMart announced this week that it will be opening
a "Super-Dilly-Duper Store" in Lincoln as a "new paradigm in shopping arises
for the next century," (as stated by WalMart Accociate, John Bufu).
The new WalMart store will cover an area of 34.8 acres and includes
all that regular WalMart Superstores contain plus a kennel for customers'
pets while they shop for days, WalMart Suites for overnight stays with
complementary WalMart 24-hour cable channel provided, golf-cart shopping
baskets with extra-sized bins, a 24-hour on-site midwife to deliver
pregnant shoppers and allow them to finish shopping, WalMart Pleasure Island
Adventure Paddock for the amusement of children which is complete with
child-tagging and 10-minute or less free search and retrieval, a full size
McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King, Long John Silver's, Taco Bell, Sonic,
Jack-in-the-Box, and also Pizza Hut and Domino's which will deliver to
shoppers' carts within 15 minutes or less, "and much, much, more!"
Bufu stated that this new WalMart Super-Dilly-Duper Store will unfortunately
put the three existing WalMart SuperStores out of business, just as the
SuperStores replaced the regular WalMart stores before them, "and as did
the regular WalMart stores did to the locally owned shops. So you
can see the natural evolution of WalMart and the way it's going.
It's so very exciting! We plan to employ the entire population of
Lincoln and thus become Lincoln! Or, as we think it will be called
in the future, WalMartVille #1!"
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