I will be putting up my interests shortly...Here's a few joke's to tide you over until then.
Three old women are sitting in Central Park, feeding the pigeons. Suddenly, a man in a trenchcoat runs out from behind a tree and flashes them! The first old woman has a stroke! Then the second old woman has a stroke! But the third old woman, try as she might, just couldn't reach him!
Some nuns ran an orphanage in a rural area. One day, the Mother Superior called in the teenage girls who were about to leave. "You are going into a sinful world," she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll buy you drinks and dinner, take you to their apartments, undress you and do terrible things to you. Then they'll give you $20 or $30 and kick you out."
"Excuse me," said one of the girls. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us money?"
"Yes. Why do you ask?"
"Well, the priests only ever gave us ice-cream!"
Isaac and Yetta had been married for forty years and had gotten pretty used to caring for each other, to the extent even that, after visiting the bathroom, he would leave the seat down for her, and she would leave the seat up for him. One day, however, Isaac had other things on his mind and forgot to lower the seat. So the next time Yetta went in there, she sat down as usual and got firmly stuck! She called to Isaac for help, but try as he might, he was unable to free her.
"It's no good, Yetta, I'll have to call the plumber," he said.
"But I can't have a stranger seeing me all exposed like this," she wailed.
So Isaac took off his black skull-cap and placed it so as to preserve her modesty. He then called the plumber, who came along and told him to wait outside the bathroom. There was the sound of much pulling, pushing, tugging and shoving until finally the plumber came out and said "I have good news and bad news."
"What do you mean?" asked Isaac.
"The good news is that your wife is now free," said the plumber.
"And the bad news?" Isaac asked anxiously.
The plumber replied, "I'm afraid we lost the Rabbi!"
After being away on business, Rich thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Rich, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Rich groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Rich, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
So she handed him a mirror.
In their 70's, Homer and Ethel still pounded their mattress every night. Then came the day Homer's doctor diagnosed a heart condition that demanded abstinance. "One more time, Homer, and you're a dead man," the doctor warned, adding, "I'd suggest you and Ethel take separate rooms to avoid temptation."
Homer unhappily moved to the guest room downstairs and Ethel stayed in their love-nest upstairs, equally pissed with the new arrangement. On the second night, Homer could no longer ignore his raging erection. Slipping out of his room, he made his way up the dark stairs. Half way up he bumped into Ethel.
"Homer, where are you going?" Ethel asked.
"I'm coming up to commit suicide," Homer said, stroking himself. "Where were you going?"
Ethel grabbed his crotch. "I was coming down to kill you."
Just as his favorite bar opens for the day, a guy walks in and to his surprise hears a voice saying: "Those are really nice shoes you're wearing."
He looks round but he's the first customer. No-one else is there but the bartender. Again this voice is heard: "That suit you have on is real sharp, too!"
The customer asks the bartender: "Say, Mike, did you hear that? Who said that?" Mike points to a bowl on the bar and replies: "It was the complimentary peanuts."
Bill and Joyce are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. Joyce says: "Oh Bill, please stop and let's try to help it!"
Bill stops the car but refuses to do anything more, so Joyce gets out and picks up the skunk and brings it into the car. "It must be freezing!" she says. "See how it's shivering? What should I do?"
"Put it between your legs," Bill replies.
"But what about the smell?" Joyce asks.
To which Bill replies: "Oh, he'll get used to it after a while!"
A fellow and his wife were walking through the park, when a rustling comes
from the bushes, and another fellow appears.
"I'm a Genie," he exclaims, "and you've lifted the curse on me. Three
wishes will be granted - one for you, one for your wife,
and, since this IS the 90's, one for me."
"You go first," the genie says to the fellow.
"I would like one million dollars every year for the rest of my life," the
fellow says. The genie says, "Done!"
"I would like a house in every country in the world," says the wife. The
Genie says, "Done!"
"Now it is my turn," says the Genie. "I would like to have sex with your
wife."
Taken back, the fellow says "Well.... we got the money......we got the
houses.... I don't know. It's up to you, dear."
She agrees to the Genie's wish, and they go off into the bushes.
Afterwards the Genie sits back, smoking a cigarette. "How old is your
husband," he asks.
"Thirty-Five" she says.
"And he still believes in Genies?"
