THE TASTEFUL MUSTARD-COLOURED BEARD THEORY HOMEPAGE

 

The Physicist

The Physicist spends a good deal of his time pondering over the nature of the universe and it is well known that beard-stroking is a common aid to pondering. Therefore, it goes without saying that any half-decent Physics PhD student needs a substantial beard; preferably one with which you could successfully camouflage a badger. The decision on whether or not to award a Physics PhD is determined by using Archimedes Principle. The prospective doctor lowers his bushy beard into a container of water and if the amount displaced is greater than the Beard Constant, then the PhD is awarded and there is much rejoicing. Most of the best-known Physicists have been the proud owners of beards; notably Galileo, Kepler and Einstein who cunningly grew a crazy beard out of the top of his head rather than his chin. What a genius.   View the gallery of Bearded Physicists here. Yes, I too am a physicist. See the evidence.

 

There are two types of Biologist :- those who look at bits of dead plants under microscopes and those who torture small animals. To obtain a PhD in Biology, the student must spend several years cultivating a new ecosystem in his beard. Merit is awarded by the number of organisms nesting in the beard and there is the possiblity of a direct route to professor-ship if a new or endangered species is found, although so far, nobody has succeeded in growing a beard large enough to house a rhinocerous.

The Biologist

 

The English Professor

Those who choose to educate themselves in the wondrous mysteries of the English language must naturally spend a considerable proportion of their time reading books. The most practical use of their beards, therefore, is as a bookmark to avoid those irritating moments where a cup of milky tea and a digestive biscuit distracts one's attention long enough to lose one's place in the book. Thus, a PhD is awarded when the beard is long enough to allow its owner to cross the library and retrieve another volume, whilst the tip of the beard conveniently marks the page of interest in the current one.