Hello! I'm flattered you're actually reading this. Allow me to present The Phoom Snow!! This is, of course, a fan-created Goon Show, but I've included so many characters from other different programmes that I'm afraid no one person will recognise all of them (unless they have the exact same TV/radio diet as me!) Anyway, I hope you have the patience to read a traditional static document on the web and enough imagination to be able to enjoy my story. Oh, yeah, I ought to tell you - it ain't finished yet! One day it will even have pictures!!! (yep - even of the Goon Show radio play characters!) Oh well, here it is...

The Phoom Snow

Greenslade: This is the BBC.

Megatron: Well it won't be for much longer, Megatron terrorize!

Thing Upstairs: Berk! What's all that racket down there.

Berk: Oh, globbits. (shout) Just a raging tyrannosaurus rex, your spledgieness. I'll take care of it right now. (to Megatron) Come here you!

Megatron: What? You dare challenge me, the Great BipASHA- err Great Megatron?

Berk: Stand still and don't make a fuss while I poleaxe you with this heavy object.

Boney: I say Berk, why are you holding me poised above this horrible monster's kneebone. I suspect whatever you have in mind is going to get me down.

Berk: Don't worry, Boney.

Megatron: Enough of this insolence!

Berk: (fading into distance) Oh, globbits!

Boney: (fading) I tried to tell you, Berk, but you wouldn't listen. Noo, you never listen to old Boney, do you ... ... ...

Greenslade: Oh dear, we seem to have been invaded by alien forces in tonight's show.

Minnie: We'll all be murdered in our cryogenic suspension units!

Ellinga: ME STRONG, ME KILL'EM MAN WIT ONE HAND, ME STRONG ME -

Megatron: How do you shut off this loud-mouthed imbecile and get on with the -AAARGH! (fading scream)

Ellinga: ME SAY ME STRONG.

Grimlock: Hey, me like you. Me tink we on same wavelength.

Ellinga: What your frequency, och aye mon?

Grimlock: 140 MHz digital.

Ellinga: Sorry, me on analogue, mono AM band.

Grimlock: Oh, me crestfallen. Tink me go home and count turkeys in straw.

P.C. Eccles: What's going on 'ere, what's going on 'ere, what's going on, aye?

Grimlock: Nutting.

P.C. Eccles: Oh I'll clear off den.

Greenslade: Meanwhile, in a brahmin swirling factory in Kent.

Bannerjee: Which modulus of packydermal redundance would please you the most sir?

Lalkakka: Kindly have not the merest hesitation in fulfilling your precise specifications.

Bluebottle: Well-

P.C. Eccles: What's going on 'ere, what's going on 'ere, what's going on, aye?

Bannerjee: Nothing.

P.C. Eccles: Oh I'll clear off den.

Bluebottle: (to self) Thinks, If I creates a subtle diversion, I can run away wit both elephant tusk bagpipes. (aloud) Look behind you! It's a giant type flaming dinosaur streaking through the sky!

Banerjee and Lalkakka: Where?

Bluebottle: (running and panting) Eeeheehee! I have done it! I have trick-ed them and got away with both pipes. They'll never catch me nuh-

Lalkakka: That's got him.

Banerjee: Poor boy, he was attempting to extricate our valuable merchandise from the terrible predicament of a falling reptilian and now he has been squashed by the very monstrosity.

Lalkakka: Let us evacuate the area before the customs and excise officials ascertain the illicit nature of our activities.

Megatron: (groan) An unexpected impediment, yess. Fortunately, my fall was broken by this droplet of raw porridge.

Bluebottle: Do not make fun of me, nasty wilderbeast, for I am Bluebottle, tamerbeast of East Finchley and controller of the Mongol Hordes, the same.

Megatron: You control the Mongol Hordes of East Finchley?

Bluebottle: (defiant) Yes I do! Well, the Boy Scout division, anyway.

Megatron: Yess, Bluebottle, you shall be my instrument of destruction. Now, how can I set about?

Greenslade: At this point in time, we must leave this scene to return to that famous travelling circus, the House of Commons.

Henry Nurk: Order in the house. Order in the house. His grand imperialness, the royalty of the heavens, conquerer of the seven suns, windsurfer at Ursa Minor beach, wearer of the-

King Nurk: Yes, that's enough, Henry.

Henry Nurk: Sorry.

King Nurk: Now then, what's on the agenda?

Chris Rabbit: Aw, the foreign secretary wouldn't know what to do if it came and told him. HE WOULDN'T KNOW IF IT TOLD HIM!

Henry Nurk: Order. The home secretary will sit down and resume infesting his cabbage patch or I will dematerialise him with this ray gun and eject him from the house.

Henry's Cat: Aww, I think that this is all gettin a little hectic for me. When can we discuss the menu in the parliamentary kitchen.

Chris Rabbit: He's right, HE'S RIGHT! The Minister for eating and sleeping IS RIGHT!

Crun: As the minister for administering the ministry of administrative affairs, I feel that it is my duty to point out that-

Minnie: Ah, there you are, Henry. I've been looking all over Africa for you. Your breakfast is ready.

Crun: Minnie, how many times have I told you never to interrupt me in the middle of parliament.

Minnie: Never.

Crun: Exactly, so I shall expect appropriate behaviour in future.

Minnie: Ohhh, (sings) Heartbeat. Why do you skip, when my Henry rebukes me ...

Eccles chorus: (sing) dum dum, dum, dum dum, dum dum, dum, dum dum ...

Minnie: (sings) Heartbeat, why do you --

Crun: Minnie! Halt this infuriating modern rhythm at once. We're in session you know.

Minnie: A recording session! My day is coming!

Seagoon: Gentlemen, I bring grave news, we're all in terrible danger.

Minnie: Thank goodness, I'm saved.

Seagoon: Shut up!

Crun: Terrible danger? That sounds terribly dangerous!

Seagoon: Yes, terrible isn't it?

Crun: Is it dangerous?

Seagoon: You bet.

Henry's Cat: Aw, I think I'm in terrible danger. Danger of falling asleep while starving.

Minnie: (sings) Come with meee, little kiteee, and I'll give you some breakfast.

Henry's Cat: Aw, this is my lucky day.

Chris Rabbit: I'm coming too, I'M COMING.

Seagoon: That's got rid of them, now what's this terrible danger you're on about?

Crun: Me? That's what I was going to ask you.

Seagoon: I've saved you the trouble. Now then: East Finchley's Boy Scout Mongol Hordes have disappeared. They're vanished without trace.

Crun: So what's the problem?

Seagoon: People no longer regard East Finchley as a province of Mongolia. The Mongol ambassador has threatened to pull out of the highland games!

Crun: How will that affect us?

Seagoon: That will leave the Scots to win the Games. We can't allow it, I tell you.

King Nurk: This is indeed a serious situation. Perhaps some of my healthier nurks could (pause) dress up as Mongol hordes.

Seagoon: It's no good, I tell you. We'll have to organise a joint sitting of parliament. Make it so.

Henry Nurk: At once.

Greenslade: All night and all day, for the next forty days, and the next twenty nights a five strong cohort of musclebound nurks laboured to assemble a joint sitting of the parliament, until at last, two hours after they had begun their task, it was completed.

Henry Nurk: I hereby open this joint sitting of parliament and do declare that all the members are joined to their seats with PVA glue. Furthermore, I call the honourable supreme dictator of the House of Lords, Lord Eccles, to give the opening address.

Lord Eccles: Thank you my good nurk, thank you.

Henry Nurk: You're welcome.

Lord Eccles: Oh, am I? Thank you my good nurk, thank you.

Starscream: Get on with the ceremony!

Lord Eccles: Alright, my good man, alright. Don't let your nose fall off. Now den, who's got the pasta?

Seagoon: Stop! I call a motion of no confidence against the minister of former policemen. All in favour:

Decepticons: Aye.

Seagoon: All against:

Lord Eccles: (sheepish) Neigh!

Seagoon: Right, hup!

Seagoon: As Eccles has, how shall we say, departed, I nominate myself as the head of the House. Now then, we must come up with a way to locate the missing Mongol Hordes of East Finchley.

King Nurk: Yes, after putting much thought to the problem, I have called upon the services of an expert. I believe he is known to you.

Fred Nurke: Right, now I suspect that these Mongol Hordes have disappeared for a reason.

Crun: You mean ... purpose?

Seagoon: Good heavens! So that was the fiendish plot, dear listeners. The Mongol Hordes of East Finchely had disappeared for a purpose. All that we had to do now was to find out WHAT IT WAS!

Fred Nurke: Finished?

Seagoon: Yes.

Fred Nurke: Now then, I recommend that we adopt guerilla tactics to find and recover the missing hordes. To this end I have recruited the services of an expert in this field.

Crun: Who?

Seagoon: (ironic) Wait for it.

Fred Nurke: May I present: Apeface!

Optimus Primal: I bet you were all expecting me to swing in, huh?

Seagoon: Shut up in the viewers' gallery. Stop monkeying around. Speaker! -

Henry Nurk: Order, order. Members of the public in the viewing gallery will not interrupt the proceedings of this joint sitting of parliament, thank you.

Seagoon: That's better, back to the plot.

Crun: This is Apeface? But Mr. Nurke, I see nothing here but a modern type modern flying machine.

Fred Nurke: That's as may be, but wait -

Apeface: Apeface, optimise, arboreal

Apeface: Now then, you wanna know gorilla warfare tactics? I gonna teach you gorilla warfare tactics!

Crun: Well, I thought that perhaps after a cup of tea...

Seagoon: -or -or over dinner, perhaps...

Apeface: rrrgggggghhhhhhhoooooaaaaaa

Greenslade: Oh dear, those parliamentarians do know how to misbehave! What will the children think of this atrocious display? I'm afraid I shall have to call in the BBC censor. (calls) Mr. Censor!

Throat: Yes?

Greenslade: (normal) Mr. Censor, I must ask you to take the broadcast to a different location. There's too much ... violence here!

Throat: Right.

Greenslade: Thank you.

Throat: Okay.

Megatron: Now, then: (commands) Mongol Hordes, ATTENTION!

Megatron: Mongol Hordes, PRESENT ARMS!

Megatron: I-what?! Corporal Bluebottle! That's not an arm, that's a leg! What's the matter with you, man?

Bluebottle: (gleeful) Oh, whoops, sorry!

Megatron: (sigh) You still think this is all just a game, don't you, Corporal Bluebottle? Well I'd just politely remind you that it's NOT! YOU 'ORRIBLE LITTLE MAN!! WHAT ARE YOU?

Bluebottle: (anxious) I'm 'orrible, Kepitan.

Megatron: That's better. Now then, Mongol Hordes, FALL-IN LINE!

Megatron: Excellent, Mongol Hordes, from the right, NUMBER!

Bluebottle: One!

Tommy: Two!

Phil: Three!

Lil: Four!

Chuckie: Five!

Suzi: Six!

Angelica: Seven! Why do I have to be last?! (screams) I WANNA BE FIRST!!!

Megatron: Silence Private Angelica! You will pay for your insubordination! Now, then. Security Officer, report!

Chuckie: (nervous) Umm, well I'm not so sure that you'll really want to know -

Megatron: Never mind! Just report!

Chuckie: Well I found this lollipop under the cot, (panic)but it tastes awful and I know I shouldn't have put it in my mouth but I did and now I don't know what's going to happen or what

Megatron: Let me see that! A BBC remote microphone! Excellent work, Commander Chuckie! Unlike some of my other warriors, you never fail me. Now to deal with this problem.

Greenslade: Oh, dear. That fiend appears to have destroyed our valuable BBC microphone. Some people really have no respect for publicly funded property. Now we'll just have to go somewhere else. Ah, here's a good place.

Willium: 'Allo, mate!

Grytpype-Thynne: Good morning.

Willium: You been waitin' long, mate?

Grytpype-Thynne: No, mate.

Willium: Only, I got ta catch the bus mate.

Grytpype-Thynne: That is why we are standing at this bus-stop.

Willium: Oh, are you catching the bus as well, mate?

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes.

Willium: 'Ere, 'ave you 'eard about them ... whatsit ... 'em disappearances? Mate?

Grytpype-Thynne: Disappearances, mate? No, I can't say I have.

Willium: They reckon someone's been stealing our boy scouts, up in East Finchley, mate.

Grytpype-Thynne: Really now?

Willium: Yeah, mate. Reckon they were all from East Finchley 1st Mongol Hordes troop.

Grytpype-Thynne: How terrible.

Willium: 'Ere, that's a dirty great big bag then, mate?

Grytpype-Thynne: Erm ... yes, this is a spare, unused reserve repository for my excess redundant multiple use tea bag cosies.

Moriarty: (muffled) Owww! Meowww ... let me ouwwwt, le meouwwwww ... owwwww ... oh, owww

Grytpype-Thynne: (hiss) Shut up in there you steaming French fool!

Willium: Cor, it made a noise, mate.

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, they're restless, it's their day off so I'm taking them to the laundry, but they wanted to go to the pictures.

Willium: Is that right, mate?

Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, mate.

Willium: Corrr, mate! Here comes the bus.

Jim Spriggs: All aboard mates, (sings) All aboard!

Greenslade: Meanwhile, in a rubbish tip above Buckingham Palace.

Ray Ellington:(sings)
Iron birds of fortune, Adrift above the skies, Cloudy revelations, Unseen by naked eyes,
Flying fools of torment, Will penetrate the sphere, Erupt the rock of ages, Bringing final fear,
Instruments of Destruction, Tools of powerplay,
It's a violent eruption, Existence drips away,
What's it really matter, When nothing really counts, Grave eternal darkness, When drained of every ounce,
And when the nightmare's over, The final from the storm, Dust of all creation, To ashes we transform,
Instruments of Destruction, Tools of powerplay,
It's a violent eruption, Existence drips away ....

Greenslade: And the BBC would like to thank Mr. Ellington for his free provision of optimistic horoscope readings to all BBC staff. Mine says that the world will be demolished to facilitate the buiding of a space highway. This means I won't have to do that bit of weeding in the garden after all. Now, to take you back to the story, we join Neil Buchanan at the Post Office Tower.

Neil: Now, if only I could use that thing as a pencil ...

Greenslade: Thank you, Mr. Buchanan.

Neil: Ta'ra

Greenslade: But, at the contemporaneous Cryogenic Preservation Utilities Inc. headquarters at Picadilly Circus, strange contortions were happening to the plot.

Minnie: Ah, that's done it. Now, he'll never get out of there. Now where did I leave my glasses? On the systemic chemical infusion unit? I'll never remember to take them out of there before I climb down.

Minnie: Now I can see again! I try to tell them, but they never listen, my day is coming!

Greenslade: Oooh, that sends shivers down my spine, I'm going somewhere warmer ... are you coming?

Bradley: Aaah! We've fallen through an interstitial transportation portal...

Stacey: Real mature Bradley!

Bradley: ...and landed on the other side of the world: in merry England, "How quaint, how quaint,..."

Stacey: Nice going nutty Professor B-man! What are we supposed to be doing here?

Bradley: Relax, Stace, this is the perfect place for hiding from those two crazy wedgie-wookies.

Stacey: I don't think so! Look!

Lance: Time for your daily pounding, Scradley!!!

Bradley: Oh no! It's Sir Lancelot and he's going to wedgie me with his Lance! This calls for a jousting match!

Stacey: Bradley, let's just get out of here!!

Bradley: That's Sir Bradley, Lady Stacey. And I can't bring dishonour unto myself by running from a fight with the evil Sir Lancelot! Whoa! - what's that funky smell?!

Russell: What?

Lance: Say your prayers, Scradley! Joustice is about to be done.

Russell: Yeah, Jousting match.

Stacey: Run for it, Bradleyyy!!!!

Bradley: Hey, Stace let go. Honour demands that I fight Lance to the death... even if it kills me! Hey -oof!!!

Angelica: OWWW!!! YOU STEPPED ON MY TOE! WAAAAH

Stacey: Sorry, kid! Hey, you're not English, you're American, what are you doing here?

Angelica: That's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! I'm sulking!

Bradley: Oooh, the little kid wants to sulk. C'mon, Stace, we don't have the time for this. For I, Bradley07, must ascertain the nature of my secret mission, before Lance finds-

Angelica: Oh, so you think I'm just a kid, huh? CAPTAIN MEGATRON SIR!!!! COME HERE QUICKLY, I FOUND SOME SPIES AN' THEY'RE GONNA ...UH DO SOMETHING BAD!!

Megatron: Well, what have we here? More recruits I think...

Angelica: Oh yes, Mr. Megatron, sir and I found them for you! Do I get a present, can I go first now? Huh, huh? Can I?

Megatron: hmph? Oh yes, well done, Private Angelica, you have partly redeemed yourself for your previous misdeeds. Now then, yesss, I do believe you two will be a valuable addition to my troops.

Bradley: Whoa! No way! We've been captured by the aliens from-

Stacey: Don't say it!

Bradley: -Uranus!!!

Megatron: (growl)You are in error, fleshboy, I am from Cybertron. But it is of little consequence, for soon you shall serve my purposes without question.

Stacey: No way, purple people eater!!! Let's get out of here Bradley!!

Bradley: What? No way, you never let me stay anywhere, Mum!

Greenslade: Apparently I was mistaken. We've been invaded by Americans in tonight's show, not aliens! No significant difference, really...