Hunting

    There was once a guy named Erving.  Erving had no life.  He wasn't
married.  He had no children.  The only thing in his life was his
job, which really wasn't anything but an accounting position for a 
few small businesses.
     One day while waiting in a lobby for a potential customer Erving
chanced upon a sports magazine.  In it he found an article about 
hunting.  Next to the article there was an add for a high powered
rifle.  Erving quickly became obsessed, as people with no lives
often do.
     For the next week he read all the hunting articles he could find.
He searched and he priced for just the right gun.  Eventually he 
found exactly the one he was looking for.  Then he read up on the 
best place to hunt grizzly bears.  The place he found was in Colorado.
Erving took a weeks vacation from his jobs and drove to Colorado in
search of a bear.  From his cabin, he trekked into the wilderness,
looking for the perfect spot to hole up and wait for his prey.
Close to sunset, he found the perfect place.  He hid behind a
ridge of rocks, and waited.  Two hours later a bear of enormous size
waltzed directly into Erving's view.  Ever so eager for the kill,
Erving aimed and fired, but his aim was off.  The bullet careened off
a rock a foot from the bear's head.  Erving expected the bear to bolt,
but he recieved a nasty surprise.
     Instead of running away, the bear ran towards Erving, jumped the
ridge, grabbed his gun, and broke it against a rock wall.  Then the bear
really surprised him. "You mother fucker!!!" the bear said.  "You tried to 
kill me!!!  I ought to rip your goddam face off!"  Erving, thinking he was 
about to die, doused his underwear.  "I'll give you a choice," the bear 
said. "One, I can kill you.  just bite your head off.  Or two, it gets 
kinda lonely out here, so if you let me have my way with you, I won't kill 
you." Erving thought long and hard about the choice he had just been given.
Finally, he said, "Look Mr. Bear, I don't wanna die, do what you gotta
do, but I don't wanna die."  So the bear had his way with him.  He raped
him until he passed out.
     Later, Erving crawled away and went back home.  At first he tried not
to think about his humiliation at the hands of the bear.  But soon it
became too much, and he began to obssess again.  He lost his jobs, lost his
sanity, and worst of all, he had lost his virginity to a bear!!!  Exactly 
one year later, Erving had panhandled enough money for a new gun,and a bus 
ride back to Colorado.
     Once he was there, he searched out the place that the assault had
taken place the year before.  He swore to himself that this time he would 
not fail.  He would get that fucking bear if it was the last thing he ever
fucking did!!!
     At sunset, Erving saw a large shadow move into the clearing.  It was
the same bear he had shot at the year before!  It was so big it had to be 
the same one!  He took careful aim this time so he wouldn't get humiliated 
the year before. When he was sure the bear was in his sights, he fired...
And a bird flew directly into the path of the bullet. The bird
exploded into thousands of feathers, and the bear ran towards the source 
of the shot.  He jumped the rock ridge, threw Erving down, broke his gun, 
and screamed, "You mother--."  He suddenly realized who he was looking at.  
"I remember you," he said.  "I can't believe you came back."
"Well, pal, I'm gonna give you the same choice you got last time.  So,
what's it gonna be?" the bear asked.
     By this time Erving was crazy, but he wasn't stupid.  He told the bear
to do what he had to do.  Again he walked away with a wounded ego ( not to
mention a wounded asshole).
After this, Erving invented a new realm of insanity.  He panhandled
like it was going out of style.  By the next year, he had saved enough for
another gun and a trip back to Colorado.  
     He waited patiently in his rocky hideout.  The bear would come.  It
was just a matter of time.  This time when he showed, Erving was gonna kill 
that fucker so dead he would have to be buried twice.
     And then sunset came, and with it, came a large shadow into the
clearing. This was it!!!  He aimed carefully, but he was shaking with
excitement. He fired, and missed.
     The bear jumped the ridge, threw him down, broke his gun, and
screamed, "You mother--" and again he realized that he knew this person.  
He simply shook his head and said, "You don't really come here for the 
hunting, do you?"

THE END