What doctors say, and what they are thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
   "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is
    so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures
    itself."
  
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
    He has no idea and is hoping you will give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
   "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
    spending any more time with you."
  
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
   "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time."
                        -or-
    "I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
    office visit."
  
"We have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
    you're going to pay for it."
  

"Let's see how it develops."
   "Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that
    can be cured."

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
   "I have a forty percent interest in the lab."
  

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
   "He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a
    small fortune."
  
"How are we today?"
   "I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like shit."
  
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
   "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a
   guinea pig."

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
   "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go
   away by itself."
  
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
   "I think I'm going to throw up."

"This may smart a little."
   "Last week two patients bit off their tongues."
  
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
   "I'm stalling for time. Who the hell are you and why are you are 
   here."

"This should fix you up."
    The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe it.
  
"Everything seems to be normal."
   "Shit! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
  
"I'd like to run some more tests."
   "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the
    lab can solve this one."
  
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
   "You're crazier'n a shithouse rat. Now who's a goofy shrink who'll
   split fees?"
  
"Why don't you slip out of your things."
   "I haven't had a good laugh all day."
  
"There is a lot of that going around."
   "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better
    learn something about this."

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
   "I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God
    I'm off next week."