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Funny Jokes
Andersen
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin
by reviewing some American history. Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me earth?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people,
shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham
Lincoln, 1863." said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be
ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put
his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna
puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells,
"Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone
said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Suzuki frantically
yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit,
we're in BIG trouble!" and Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
Top 10: He Said... She Said
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said ... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king.'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
1) He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice and at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka - don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Jail Term
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly." He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
History Of Sayings
1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
2. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
4. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
5. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.U.C.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
6. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Wrong Direction
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "it's hundreds of them!"
Lebanese Hell
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Lebanese hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Lebanese devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells- why are so many people waiting to get in?"
Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to be a government employee, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home..."
The History Of The World
On the first day, God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Terrorism Observations
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." - Jay Leno
"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this: he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle." - David Letterman
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." - Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." - Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row--just like Clinton." - Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." - Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters, which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic". - Conan O'Brien
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." - Jay Leno
"CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." - David Letterman
"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." - Jay Leno
"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'" - Jay Leno
"Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a box." - Jay Leno
"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." - Jay Leno
"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders." - Jimmy Fallon
"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret." - Jay Leno
"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad." - Jay Leno
"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute." - Jay Leno
"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early." - Jay Leno
Heaven
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter asks the guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
The Picture
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, was looking
around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the
distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired
nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
War Wound
A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy urinating, but there were two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my penis but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams. "What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked.
"Nah, my zipper's stuck."
Sex In The Dark
A couple that was married for 20 years always made love with the lights off.
Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned the lights on.
She looked down... and saw that her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device -- a vibrator -- softer and larger than a real penis.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."
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