by Rob White, aka: “Hair Trigger” & John Pavlus, aka: “Beastie”
Well, the long awaited and highly anticipated second coming of this happy little corner of the web has finally arrived and we hope you find it to be worth the wait. This particular scripture of harshness will be somewhat different from the norm in that this is a solo flight. Yes, that's correct folks. Our vaunted hero Beasties has taken a hiatus from the airwaves of bitterness so that he may pursue the more lofty goal of impressing his girlfriend for Valentines day. Unfortunately, one half of our dynamic duo has become whipped by a woman and so his powers are no longer being used for the forces of good. Yep, our Jedi master of unabashed verbal thrashing has been turned to the darkside, leaving only myself as the lone gunman on this trip. Hopefully, after a few more weeks of this puppy love, the romantic SPCA will finally put one of them down and we can have our good old Pavlus back. But until then, it's just you and me folks. So strap in 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
My topic of wrongness for this column just so happens to be Valentines Day. We here at the web page are nothing if not topical when we vent our anger. So yes, after much thought and deliberation I have decided that the particular nugget of pure evil that must be exposed for the darkness that it beholds is the joyous day of love that exists simply to slowly bring the human race a little bit closer to Armageddon. You laugh! But I am serious here people. Valentines Day is the tool of the anti-christ. Nothing good can come out of it and the sooner we all realize that, the more harmonious our planet will be.
First of all, what I wanna know is; who was the dipshit who came up with the concept of this festival of love anyway? Whoever that little mensa wannabe was deserves to be bitch slapped back to the stone age. I recommend that the little bastard be put in a room with the remaining members of Menudo after they've been hopped up on speed and given nothing to play music on except for a chalk board and a Casio Beat Master 2000. And that's just for starters. After that will this ambassador of love truly appreciate the emotional scars he caused with his little idea for the Hallmark Co. to exploit.
You see, the basic problem with V-Day(not to be mistaken with the very similar but moderately less tragic D-Day) is that the basic rules of life predetermine that any and all Valentines day plans will not go right. You see, what most people don't realize is that when God spoke to Moses he decreed an eleventh commandment that proclaimed that all men will get royally pooch screwed whenever they decide to all coordinate a day in which they're going to be affectionate and romantic to women. God made this proclamation a reality by making women inherently evil. Therefore, whatever a guy does will be the wrong thing. If you get flowers, they'll be the wrong kind. If you get candy, they'll be too fattening. If you get condoms and a bottle of Tequila then it'll be the one time when your woman will NOT be wanting you to be honest about your thoughts. Anyway you go, YOU'RE FUCKED. So my advise is to just give up keep your money and go to a bar. At least then you won't remember the fact that you didn't get any after all that trouble.
You may be wondering why I happen to be such a basic tool when it comes to Valentines Day. Well, the honest truth is that all my valentines days have sucked. Nothing has ever gone as I had hoped or planned. Even to this day. So in my opinion Valentines Day is nothing more than a highly covered up Pagan holiday that works only to feed the powers of the Dark Overlord. For every little gift you buy someone, that's another soul that Satan is stealing from God's Army. And eventually, the scales will be tipped and judgment day will be at hand. And lord knows you'll be feeling the crunch because as you go in front of God you'll be realizing what you had just spent your whole February 14th doing: Trying to get LAID!! And as we all know, that's original sin. So for my money I say screw the card companies and there subversive plot to bring forth the cataclysmic demise of humanity. Forget the flowers and the love poems and just stay home. All that build up only sets you up for disappointment anyway. So if you wanna be safe like me, crawl into your basement bring lots of alcohol and a cross and try to drink yourself sick until the passing of the next judgment day is avoided yet again. Of course maybe this time we won't be so lucky, but at least I'll be confident knowing I have more money in my bank account when I go out than all the poor schmucks who fell prey to the temptation.............Suckers.
By the way, if you'd like these articles e-mailed directly to you, please write to Rob at rwhite1@ic3.ithaca.edu. Please leave your name and email address and the new articles will be sent to you when they are newly published.