 |
Blue Jay learns to sing, Parrots yet to issue a response |
|
Chicken DNA found in a KFC chicken burger, restaurant chain denies claim |
|
Study reveals women more pretty than men |
|
Man wins argument with wife, say repeat "unlikely" |
HEADLINE NEWS
Week of December 1st, 2003
New York no longer "new"
New York, N.Y. - Academics at NYU's law department have today released a 236 page report claiming that New York is no longer "New". "The city has been around for a number of years now, so calling it New York amount to false advertising," said Anthony Clearwater, head of the team that announced the findings. "We found that some buildings have even been around for over a hundred years!" added Clearwater, "My Mother-in-law is 79 and everyone thinks she is old." The Mayor of New York issued a statement saying that he wasn't the one responsible for the city's name adding that "it's the governor's fault cause the city is named after the state." The NYC district attorney says charges of false advertising will be levied on all persons responsible. City officials in New Orleans, and New Hampshire are also under investigation.
Gap widening between rich and poor in Canadian cities, says study
Ottawa, Ontario - A recent study has confirmed that the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. The study, conducted by the Institute of Wealth and Poverty Studies, states that poor people have somehow managed to leave the rich in the dust becoming so poor that the rich are having trouble catching up to them. In addition the study confirmed analyst's worst fears that the well to do were in fact becoming even wealthier. When asked why it is that the poor are able to do so well at becoming poorer despite a booming economy National Poverty Council spokesperson Alan Dunmar said "the key is to just be satisfied with the crumbs thrown at you, and to enjoy your money by spending what little of it you have." He added "we at the NPC are happy as hell about the news and plan to throw a big huge expensive party that will probably blow our annual budget." Speaking on condition of anonymity Jason Campbell, a wealthy Canadian, revealed that he shamefully just can't seem to spend all his money and when he gets close he seems to just make more. According to Campbell "everyone in my family is poor and they are ashamed of me because of my wealth. They try and help me by making me pay for everything but I refuse cause I'm just too cheap."
Bar explosion prompts police to urge people to pay extortion taxes
Vancouver, B.C. - Police in downtown Vancouver are urging business people to pay their "protection tax" to local thugs. "It is insane to operate a bar, club or store in this city without paying off the gangs in the area; this time they were lucky but next time someone could get killed." said Jeremy McKenzie a spokesperson for the Vancouver Metropolitan Police. Store owners who have recently banned together in a collective effort not to pay extortion fees expected help from the police to protect them. "Are they crazy? Those guys are organized criminals. They are killers we aren't trying to get in their way." responded McKenzie. He added "we try to stay focused on easy targets like jaywalkers and people who don't come to complete stops. But even those situations can get a bit rough." Business owners in the heart of downtown Vancouver have said that they will try and turn to provincial police for protection but indications are that provincial officer avoid actual criminals even more than their municipal colleagues.
Shatner's confession mars award ceremony
Montreal, Quebec - William Shatner received and award last week Friday from the Alliance of Canadian Cinema. They honored the Montreal born actor for his outstanding contribution to Canadian cinema. When asked why the Alliance chose Shatner spokesperson Guy Thierney simply stated "he slept with aliens, who in Canadian cinema has topped that?" Thierney was referring to Shatner's long running portrayal of Captain Kirk, who often opted to sleep with green women over his human female crew members. During his acceptance speech Shatner stunned the audience by proclaiming "they weren't really aliens! What's wrong with you people?" Following the ceremony the Alliance of Canadian Cinema announced they would look into Shatner's "confession" and determine whether or not he has ever actually slept with an alien.
Jealousy sparks nose picking rumors
Sarnia, Ontario - A scandal has broken out at East Sarnia High School as 7th grader Dwayne Hosford has been accused by his class mates of picking his nose. Hosford, age 17, has repeated the grade four times and claims that his classmates are only trying to tarnish his "rep" because he made out with the hottest girl in his class. Sharon Gardner denies going to second base with the older boy but wouldn't comment on whether they went to first base. Her silence in the matter has caused school officials to become concerned and as a reactionary measure oysters will no longer be served in the cafeteria. "We don't know if any of the allegations are true but the oyster things is a precautionary measure," stated school officials.