THE NEW SOUTH AFRICA

Two recent court cases have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV licence. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder. The moral of this South African story: if you do not have a TV licence and the inspector comes round, kill him. You'll save R500.

It sounds like an episode out of a third rate soap opera. Or something out of Nineteen Eighty Four. Two cricket spectators, with their young son, were molested and thrown out of the stadium because they each enjoyed a Coca Cola.
Coca Cola: not brandy or vodka or something similar: real old fashioned  Coca Cola. It is something which would not have happened in Afghanistan or Cuba or even Iraq. No, it happened in the present-day New South Africa and in February 2002 whilst the country acted as hosts for the World Cricket Cup series.
Arthur Williamson, his wife Susan and their 13 year old son Alex were spectators for the cricket match between Australia and India at the SuperSport stadium in Centurion on February 15th, 2003 when they were confronted by security wardens because they were each enjoying a Coke. They paid R525 for their tickets and were allowed at the gate to take in a cool bag with a six-pack of Coca Cola. On each opening a tin of Coke, they were summarily confronted by officials who told them to stop drinking it immediately, because rival company Pepsi Cola was the official sponsor of the World Cricket Cup. No Coca Cola was to be sold at any cricket match - nor were spectators apparently allowed to even drink it.
The "security manager" ordered the Williamson family to be thrown out of the stadium, and they were frogmarched to the gate and told to go. The "managing director" of the security company later ran after them and requested them to return, offering them a six pack of Pepsi, which they declined. Once a Coca Cola fan, always a Coca Cola fan.

Roelf Meyer is better known for his failure as a negotiator, on behalf of the then National Party government, with the ANC during the drafting of a new constitution for South Africa in 1994. He was totally outmaneuvred by his opposite number, Cyril Ramaphosa. Since then Meyer has formed his own political party, and after it failed he left politics and almost disappeared into oblivion.
Until 2003, that is, when he visited Iraq at the same time as the United Nations' inspection team for mass destruction weapons, led by  under Hans Blix and his more than 100 weapons inspectors, have been at it for two months and reached no verdict. But it took South Africa's one-man weapons inspection team, Roelf Meyer, just a couple of days to solve the problem.
After a brief visit to Iraq, Meyer announced late in January 2003 that it possessed no nuclear weapons.
Blix could learn from Meyer's simple technique. Instead of wasting time and money looking for evidence, he met with that nice man Iraq's second-in-command, Tariq Aziz, and got the truth out in a flash.
Either Iraq does not possess nukes or Meyer was a victim of a Weapon of Mass Distraction.

In July 1993, five members of APLA - the Azanian People's Liebration Army - attacked the congregation of St James Church in Kenilworth, Cape Town, during a church service, started shooting on the churchgoers, killing eleven of them. The leader of the gang, Gcinikhaya Makoma, was found guilty of - amongst others - 11 murder charges and sentencted to effectively 23 years in jail. He was granted amnesty in 1998 by the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Desmond Tutu and released out of jail after serving only a five years of his sentence. In August 2002 Makoma was again arrested after he and six others were involved in a daring robbery in Ottery, Cape Town on a security vehicle conveying money for Standard Bank, in which R1,8 million was robbed. The robbery was executed with military precision but the seven men were arrested on the M3 motorway shortly afterwards.

South Africa has no less than 14 "royal houses", each with a king sitting in his own palace. They have an undisclosed number of queens, wives and concubines.

The Minister of Public Works, Stella Sigcau, announced that the government will be spending a total of R70 million on upgrading the palaces, offices and "multi-purpose centres" for the comfort of the country's 14 kings.

There are six royal houses in the Eastern Cape province, two in Mpumalanga, two in the Free State and one in KwaZulu-Natal. Five of these had already received their upgraded facilities, the rest will follow soon.

It all began when a king of an area just outside of King William's Town approached Sigcau in 2000 with the request to upgrade his housing and facilities. After she agreed to do so, the other royal houses heard the story and insisted on being helped as well.

With the amount to be spent on the 14 palaces, no less than 5000 homeless South Africans could each have been provided with a basic house.

The House of Traditional Leaders welcomed the decision to upgrade the palaces.

That the SABC's news division is indeed "His Master's Voice" was confirmed by Thami Mazwai, deputy chairman of the Board of Control of the SABC (which now calls itself a "public broadcaster", as opposed to being a "state broadcaster" - not that anyone can spot the difference..)<

Mazwai testified before the Parliamentary Communications Committee on August 13th, 2002, saying that the "big story" to report on was how well the nice South African government was looking after its citizens.

He said the broadcaster had "an obligation" to "go to the furthest corner of South Africa", where "these people are now getting water, these people are getting electricity, when they did not get water and electricity in the past."

"It's a big story fot the SABC, but it's not a big story for other media".

Mazwai, a former editor, then outdid himself when he philosophised about the news:

"As a broadcaster, you have to be very flexible when you deal with these issues on a day-to-day basis. You can't afford to be driven by old clichés, such as objectivity, the right of the editor, and so on".

In late April 2002 journalist and media consultant Charlene Smith was hired by Marek Patzer, a consultant contracted to the Department of Justice and Constitutional Development to work on a major campaign headed by David Porogo, head of the department's communication division. After two months Smith had yet to be paid. Patzer blamed the justice department, Porogo refused to talk about it, and a letter to Minister of Justice and Constitutional Development Penuel Maduna went unanswered. Smith has yet to be paid. The name of the project? RESPECT. Its aim? To combat the abuse of women.

Those who kept the red flag flying in South Africa have been rather quiet during the first half of 2002. In fact, there's been a suspicion that they've all turned into creditcard-carrying communists, what with central committee member Jeff Radebe being in the vanguard of the privatisation drive and Jabu Moleketi rapidly turning Gauteng into the true capitalist heart of Africa. Not to mention Alec Irwin as minister of Economics affairs.

So it was no surprise when the Congress of South African Trade Unions (Cosatu) in June 20002 appeared to reveal the true colours of its alliance partner.

Cosatu's daily online labour news reported: "The South African Capitalist Party (SACP) endorsed the core pillars of the New Partnership for Africa's Development."

A couple of people must've choked on their Molotov cocktails, however, because the next day Cosatu was at pains to point out: "Yesterday's Daily News contained an unfortunate error. An article on the SACP referred to it as 'the South African Capitalist Party'. This should of course have read 'the South African Communist Party'. Cosatu apologises to our readers and members of the Party."

In February in parliament the grandiose President Thabo Mbeki spoke (in sonorous phrases, with long pauses for effect) about the alleviation of poverty and the awesome gap between his poor black constituents and whites. He will not, of course, speak about the awesome per capita expenditure gap between himself and those same constituents. This is while expenditure on Mbeki includes:

• Inauguration party, R50-million;

• New presidential plane, R500-million with running costs of R100-million a year;

• Interim upgrade of old plane in Switzerland, R30-million;

• Hire of third plane while waiting for completion of interim upgrade;

• Commandeering of first class on commercial flight because hired plane "too uncomfortable";

• Four new presidential air terminals at R12-million each;

• Upgrade of presidential mansion at R50-million;

• Increased security at R30million, not really relevant because of foreign hotel accommodation for 200 days a year for himself and entourage of up to 300 at a time. Etcetera, etcetera.

We have Lionel Mtshali commuting to Ulundi and Pietermaritzburg from Durban in a Lear jet. Last year his minister for "poverty relief" lived for seven months in top suites at Durban hotels at about R3 000 a day. King Goodwill Zwelithini's 33 children are on taxpayers' money at private schools, McCaps Motimele ... Barney Pityana ... Linda Xama ... we have tens of thousands of government officials, in the country and abroad, spending money on priorities: themselves.

Saddam Maake is an ardent supporter of the South African national football team, Bafana Bafana. Before they played in an important  match against Slovenia in the World Cup of June 2002, Maake decided that something should be done on a grand scale to ensure victory for Bafana Bafana.
He called on all South African men to abstain from sex for the days before the match.
"The entire nation should be behind the team on the eve of their vital clash agains Slovenia", Maake announced publicly from his home in Thembisa.
"We must support the team 120 percent because they are representing our nation."
He said men should gather together on the eve of the game and watch videos, have braais (barbeques) and chat about the team.
"We need to be alone so that our focuses are not disturbed. If we get united in one spirit then our prayers will reach Korea and Japan," Maake said.
"By abstaining from sex we will make sure that nothing gets between us and the desire for Bafana to succeed."
Maake's call and the men's sacrifice must have worked. Bafana Bafana beat Slovenia 1 - 0.

When Cape Town internet billionaire Mark Shuttleworth announced that he paid the Russian space authority US$20 million for a trip into space, the Sunday Times newspaper was quick to denounce him and give him their "Mampara of the Week" award. Shuttleworth trained hard as an astronaut, learned to speak Russian, and even Nasa stated that they did not regard him as a space tourist, but as a true astronaut. Later, in April 2002, Shuttleworth soared into space and gripped the imagination of schoolchildren and adults alike,  emerging as a national hero. The Sunday Times suddenly changed its tune, but found itself in a dilemma: how can we milk this story when not so long ago we named the national hero "Mampara of the Week"?
No problem. All you do is to un-Mampara Shuttleworth. With the most arrogantly "magnanimous" gesture ever seen, the Sunday Times used its leader page on April 21st, 2002 to announce: "No longer a mampara". This not only made Shuttleworth the happiest South African in space, but showed clearly who the real mamparas in South Africa are.
Other "winners" of the Sunday Times' "Mampara of the Week" "award" are waiting their turn to be "un-mampara-ed".

Naledi Pandor (left), chairwoman of the National Council of Provinces, demanded a report on the dirty condition of the parliamentary buildings in Cape Town to be delivered "within 14 days". She was supported by Frene Ginwala (right), the speaker of parliament, who said that the dirty state of conditions in the parliamentary buildings had become a "health risk".
"What example are we setting to the country? If a factory had been managed like this, there would have been problems with the industrial council", she added.
Enver Surty, chief whip of the ruling ANC party alliance, said that toilets on two storeys in his wing of the old senate building had been without water for more than five months, and that the conditions there were "intolerable". Some of the toilets are next to the cafeteria, and are inoperative. Water has been leaking in his office due to a leaking roof, and has damaged the carpets. Despite his complaints, it has not been repaired or substituted.
Other ANC MP's complained that the toilets do not have any paper towels and that it is a constant battle to have their offices cleaned. Ginwala added that the "deterioration" of conditions was not only noticeable in the financial section, but has become a culture to which the whole parliamentary management subscribes.

There was drama at the June 16th, 2001 main Youth Day rally at Orlando stadium in Soweto when President Thabo Mbeki pushed away Winnie Madikizela-Mandela when she tried to hug him.
Dressed in a black leather skirt and matching jacket, Madikizela-Mandela arrived an hour after the proceedings started As she stepped out of a silver luxury BMW car, parts of the crowd began chanting  "Winnie, Winnie, Winnie." The capacity crowd went into a frenzy, chanting slogans in her honour. National Youth Commission chairperson Jabu Mbalula, who was delivering a speech at the time, had to pause as no one was listening to him, with the crowd's attention focused on former president Nelson Mandela's ex-wife. It appears that Madikizela-Mandela's stealing the show did not go down well with Mbeki and other ANC leaders.
She forced her way to the stage, where Mbeki and some government ministers, including Home Affairs Minister Mangosuthu Buthelezi and Gauteng Premier Sam Shilowa, were seated. Upon arriving on the stage, she moved behind the president and bent forward in an attempt to hug and kiss him. The president recoiled from her and pushed her in her face, knocking off the black cap she was wearing.
He proceeded to say something to her, but it was not clear what he told her. She was visibly furious about the cold reception she got from the president. Mangusotho Buthelezi, picked up her cap and replaced it on her haid.

Buthelezi replacing Winnie Mandela's cap after it was knocked down.

Surrounded by the media afterwards, she acknowledged that Mbeki had pushed her, but when asked what she read into the shove in her face, she smiled and said: "I don't know. Ask him."
The incident was broadcast on national television.
"What a shocking example set by the president for the youth of South Africa on Youth Day, pushing and jostling an older woman shows terrible manners and disrespect. When this is done by the president, it is raised to another echelon," said DA opposition leader Tony Leon.
The ANC, and the offices of Mbeki and Madikizela-Mandela declined to comment on the issue.

The office of Peter Marais, the Democratic Alliance mayor of Cape Town, has been presiding over a vote-rigging exercise to have two prominent streets named after former presidents FW de Klerk and Nelson Mandela.
Petitions purporting to give Capetonians a vote have been filled out with fraudulent signatures in support of Marais's controversial campaign to change the names of Adderley and Wale streets. In some instances, local National Party organisers have admitted to arranging the circulation and "signing" of the forms.
The Mail & Guardian has visited households listed on the petitions who had no idea they had voted. The mayor's office has refused to give the newspaper copies of any votes or petition forms related to the name change.
The petitions were drawn up after Marais called in April for public submissions on the name change.
Marais has, however, publicly misstated the votes. On May 20, 2001 Sapa reported Marais as saying the response to the move was "overwhelmingly positive", but that reports had shown people were "poorly informed on the issue". At that time, council sources say the count of about 500 was overwhelmingly against, with only a handful of letters in support. The following day, on the May 21 deadline, an avalanche of more than 400 pro-votes hit the mayor's office.
The new "votes" came in on both petitions and on "signed" form letters, some of which have also been arranged and circulated by DA organisers on the Cape Flats. A handwriting expert commissioned by the M&G confirmed that a random selection of the different signatures had been forged. The expert, Gert Burger, said some of the petition lists - which include 26 names - were in their entirety composed by the same person.
On May 25 Marais was quoted as saying the pro-votes outnumbered those against by two and a half to one. Council sources say that by then the votes were at best equal - even counting the fake entries. Even without the fraud, the form letters and the petitions are against the spirit of Marais's call for the public to have its say.
After conceiving of the plan - which has been a major talking point in Cape Town - Marais's office published newspaper advertisements, seeking voluntary public input. Like all advertisements of the city of Cape Town, they bear a picture of Marais himself (on his instruction). The newspaper advertisements called for the public to write in, providing no legitimate opportunity for canvassing on the part of Marais's employees or the DA. The advertisement read: "The proposal is for Adderley Street to be renamed Nelson Mandela Avenue and for Wale Street to be renamed FW de Klerk Laan with effect from June 16 2001. What do you think? Please submit your written comments by no later than May 21, 2001."
Public opinion expressed in the Cape press has generally been against the move, making Marais's upbeat statements puzzling. The Cape Chamber of Commerce says, for example, that at least 90% of businesses are opposed to the plan.
In the meantime, despite public opinion on the proposed name changes being sought, Marais has already announced the date of a function at which the renaming is to take place, stating that both Mandela and De Klerk have agreed to renaming the streets after them, and agreed to attend the renaming ceremony.

COMBATING POVERTY (KwaZulu-Natal style)

The man charged with alleviating poverty in South Africa's most  populous province has admitted to spending 101 days in one year in a five-star hotel at a cost of almost half a million rand to the  taxpayer.
KwaZulu-Natal's Social Welfare and Population Development MEC  Prince Gideon Zulu spent almost a third of the year between November 1999 and November 2000 at suites in Durban's plush Royal Hotel, according to figures provided by his office to the provincial legislature.
Zulu's spokesman, Mike Gumede, confirmed the figures were correct. He said Zulu had to stay away from his homes in Ulundi  and Nongoma in northern KwaZulu-Natal, due to "operational arrangements".
Zulu has justified his extensive stays in the luxury hotel, saying they formed part of his "poverty alleviation" duties.
Last May, Zulu, the uncle of Zulu King Goodwill Zwelithini, spent 19 successive nights at the hotel.
Last September, he checked in on Sunday 3 and stayed for five nights. He returned the following Sunday and spent four nights in a suite. He then went home for one night and returned the following day. He stayed another five nights until Tuesday, September 19. On the same Tuesday, he checked in again and stayed another five nights - at R1 050 a night.
The hotel bill for Zulu and four of his staff members, who often accompany him, totalled R431 865.74 for the 12-month period.
During this time, Zulu also spent six nights at the five-star Beverly Hills Sun Hotel in Umhlanga Rocks, north of Durban. The cost of a suite there is R2 450 a night.
While Zulu has been running up huge hotel bills, he has not paid the R2 000-a-month rental for his official Ulundi residence since 1994.

BLAME IT ON THE PRESS

In the last week of February 2001, the police had released to the South African Press Association news of an aircraft hijack at Wonderboom airport, north of Pretoria.
The media descended on the place and started feeding the news live to CNN, the BBC and various other international radio and televistion networks.
The SABC had a field day reporting live from the scene of the hijack, where gunfire and shots could be heard coming from the stricken airplane as it stood on the tarmac. The press was kept at a safe distance.
After four hours of drama, it was announced that it was all a hoax and that it was simply an exercise.
Police Commissioner Jackie Selebi refused to apologise to the press for keeping them uninformed. Selebi said that those involved could not be told that it was just an exercise, because then they might not have taken it seriously.
The bad foreign publicity emanating from the incident was all the fault of the media, whined Selebi.
Journalists had the effrontery just to arrive and had "begun to report on the matter before the police media officers arrived on the scene".
As Selebi told parliament, the journalists really should have known that Wonderboom is a domestic airport and should have questioned the scenario that nine foreign tourists were catching a flight to Mazambique when the plane was "hijacked".
It is not entirely clear why the police spokesmen, when they eventually did arrive, gave official updates to the media, but initially failed to explain that it was an exercise.
Perhaps so that TV audiences around the world could experience the cinema verité authenticity of South African police training methods.

PERENNIAL STUDENTS

Ten members of the Student Representative Council (SRC) at the University of the North are suing the institution for R1 million for "defamation".
Their lawyers are filing papers with the Pretoria High Court after the university failed to publicly apologise to the students and pay them R100 000 each.
The suit follows the distribution of an unsigned letter on campus indicating that the ten students owed the institution about R400 000.
The letter said SRC president Bafana Mbetse, 33, owed R51 470 alone for his studies and residential fees. It added that Mbetse had been at the institution since 1992 for a four-year B Juris law degree.
The other students are SRC deputey president Jack Letsoalo, who owes R44 792, general secretary Mandla Mhlanga who owes R24 634, deputy secretary Bonagni Bongo who owes R26 326, SM samotoma who owes R40 311, IT Tiki who owes R60 421, MG Mokadi who owes R41 811, NT Mthenjane who owes R33 322, JN Mabande who owes R37 816 and CM Lalebana who owes R37 237.
The university has 106 student leaders, including the 10 SRC members and members of the Sudent Representative Assembly (SRA), who owe R1,5 million in fees.
The student body owes a collective R150 million, making the university the worst financially managed institution in the country.
To get its finances back in shape, the university appointed Patrick Fitzgerald, a former Wits University director, as administrator in January 2001.
He got a court interdict to keep 75 SRA members, as well as the 10 SRC members, off campus until they acknowledged their debts and arranged to settle them.

IF YOU CAN'T FIGHT THEM JOIN THEM

A Durban policeman who has confessed in court his involvement in three of the country’s biggest heists, is still serving  with the police, the Sunday Times newspaper reported.  Inspector Rajendra Sewrajlall of the crime and intelligence unit admitted in the Durban High Court that he made and supplied armour-piercing bullets that were used in the R7.4m SBV robbery in Pinetown in May 1998.
He conspired to launder the proceeds from the R31m robbery at the SBV depot in Pinetown in August 1996. He also helped plan a botched SBV robbery in Overport, Durban in October 1997. Sewrajlall and his friend Detective Inspector Eshwin Ramnath are currently in a witness protection programme after agreeing to testify.
Neither of the former Chatsworth policemen have been suspended nor are they facing a disciplinary hearing.
Sewrajlall is reportedly working in Gauteng while Ramnath has been deployed to the KwaZulu-Natal Midlands.

Kwazulu-Natal's IFP premier Lionel Mtshali lives in Durban, but flies almost daily to his office in Ulundi (280 km away by road) in the province's R30 million LearJet or on chartered flights at the taxpayer's expense. The round trip costs at least R12 000 each time. Sometimes, when the LearJet is not available, he charters a 10 seater King Air plane from the National Airways Corporation at a cost of R15 253, or charters a helicopter.
In October 2000 Mtshali flew between Durban and Ulundi at least 16 times. He also occasionally travels by jet from Durban to Pietermaritzburg, a distance of just 80 km.
He blew R24 000 of taxpayers' money during April 2000 flying from Ulundi to Durban in the provincial jet to watch the same Passion Play on two successive days.
Among the trips Mtshali had made in the seven-month period  between April and October 2000 were the following:

A flight from Durban to Pietermaritzburg to attend "a Scout Association presentation".
A flight from Durban to Ulundi "to attend invitation to appointment of new [bank] branch manager".

THE PREMIER HAS NO CLOTHES

KwaZulu-Natal's flying primier, Lionel Mtshali (story above), went in to bat for the poor in May 2001. He saw it fit to lecture councillors in Dundee, northern KwaZulu-Natal, about frugality!  Rapping the councillors over the knuckles for wanting to spend ratepayers' money on a mayoral car and new office furniture, Mtshali had this sage advice to offer:

"Spending needs to be cut. Local councils must identify priorities such as service delivery. I know there is a lot of poverty in this area .... Be very careful before spending money...

"Surely a simple, reliable car is all what is necessary. A luxury car will send out the wrong message. The same goes for funriture."

Now about that Learjet....

HEAD IN THE CLOUDS

KwaZulu Natal's premier, Lionel Percival Hercules Mbeki Mtshali (no kidding, that is his name!) is a bit confused about his job description. The man seems to think that being premier involves zooting around KwaZulu-Natal in the provincial jet rather than bothering himself with what happens on the ground.
M'Charlie appears to have no idea what his MEC's (provincial cabinet ministers) are up to. In January 2002 he announced that his government would, by April 2002, implement a province-wide programme to provide neviraphine to HIV-positive pregnant women.
When it was pointed out that Health MEC Zweli Mkhize had already put in place one of the country's most advanced health programmes in his province, including the provision of neviraphine, his spokesman Mahlati Tembe confessed that the premier was ignorant of this.

HEY, BIG SPENDER

The Western Cape's new MEC for Safety and Sercurty, the ANC's Leonard Ramatlakane, has started his term of office in the new provincial government in 2002 by setting high standards. Only the best is going to be good enoug for Ramatlakane.
Take his cellphone, for instance.
Ramatlakane turned down the standard issue and insisted that his staff organise the very best. And so they did - at a cost to the taxpayer of R9 500.

FLYING THE GRAVY PLANE (2)

ANC MP John Ncinane was asked by the Speaker, Frene Ginwala, to stand up in Parliament in October 2000. He was reprimanded for flying ten times with flying vouchers which the State awarded to his children, and a further seven times for flying with vouchers awarded to children younger than 12 years.
Ncinane has to repay the full cost of the tickets within two months, and forfeits ten of the tickets which had been awarded to him for use during 2001, as well as the vouchers for his dependants.
The case has been referred to the the office of the Director of Public Prosecutions.
Another ANC MP, Katliso Moeketse, was also supposed to have been reprimanded in Parliament for selling his plane tickets to friends and relatives. He did not turn up in Parliament.
Ncinane has been in trouble quite a few times over public statements he made. He told Sports Minister Ngconde Balfour it is a "disgrace that our team of lilly whites should lose to India". Both Herschelle Gibbs and Henry Williams were part of the side and have  every right to feel miffed at being classed "lilly whites".
In May 1999, during the General Election campaign, Ncinane was again in trouble:  "He, Jesus Christ, would have no alternative but to  be ruled by the ANC if He was around," he said, bristling with hubris. Ncinane had to publicly apologise after pressure from the ACDP.
 

The exorbitant cost of purchasing and operating State President Thabo Mbeki's luxury private ject, Inkwazi, came out during question time in Parliament during September 2003. Read the details here.

Kwazulu-Natal's Minister for Housing, ANC representative Dumisani Makhaye, well known for his racist outbursts,  instructed the province's Department of Works to rent a luxurious mansion for himself in Umhlanga Ridge for R22 500 per month. The rent is R18 000 more per month than the amount MEC's are allowed to claim for accommodation. It was confrimed that Makhaye will not pay the difference out of his own salary.
After an uproar in the press, Makhaye vacated the house five months after a two-year lease was signed. The province is liable for three month's rent due to a clause in the lease agreement stipulating a minimum notice period of three months.
Makhaye was previously in the news when he said that white farmers could only blame themselves if they are murdered.

NETBALL SPORTS
Subtitle: You're white: forfeit ten points and go down the log

The Western Province netball team, the top team participating in the Unibank national tournament held in July 2000, dominated all other teams. It won all four of its games, thus gaining eight points. The team was, however penalised by ten points by the organisers of the national games because it did not field "enough players of colour." It thus ended with minus two points on the log and moved to the third position. The Goldfields team, with only one win and three defeats, was placed first and Gauteng Vaal, which could not win a single game, was placed second. Both teams lost against WP.

National newly appointed police commissioner Jackie ("Jackboot") Selebi should not be prosecuted on crimen injuria charges brought against him by a Pretoria sergeant, the Independent  Complaints Directorate (IDC) said in January 2000, barely two weeks after Selebi assumed his new appointment.
Prima facie evidence suggested police chief Jackie Selebi recently called a Pretoria police sergeant a chimpanzee, "but this did not warrant prosecution", the IDC said. The directorate recommended that the national police commissioner instead "be counselled by Safety and Security Minister Steve Tshwete regarding professional and effective means of dealing with staff".
"On the face of it, it (the word "chimpanzee") would be insulting... but only an insult of a serious nature is pursuable in terms of the law," ICD executive director  Neville Melville told reporters in Pretoria.
Melville said Selebi did not call anyone "a fucking gorilla" as the media reported after the incident. The term he allegedly used was "chimpanzee".
He said the full ICD report and recommendations would be handed to the Director  of Public Prosecutions, who would decide whether or not Selebi should be charged with crimen injuria.
The ICD was tasked with investigating claims that Selebi called Sergeant Jeanette  Mothiba a "bladie fokken chimpanzee" in Pretoria's Brooklyn police station on  New Year's eve. He allegedly also told her to "shut-up". Selebi entered the charge office to arrange for a vehicle and a driver to inspect  preparations for millennium celebrations, and was not recognised by Mothiba.
The ICD concluded: "There is prima facie evidence to the effect that the commissioner called the complainant a chimpanzee while addressing her in an  angry fashion".
It said the word "chimpanzee" - unlike "baboon" - was not commonly used as an insult.  A dictionary and thesaurus consulted by the ICD failed to provide clear answers. It defined "chimpanzee" as "an intelligent small black ape of central West-Africa".
"However, it seems safe to accept that under the circumstances alleged, the use of the word would amount to an insult," the ICD report said.
The case was referred to the office of the Director for Public prosecutions, who decided not to prosecute Selebi for crimen injuria because "it will not be in the public interest to do so".

FAMILY MATTERS

On the same day he called police Sgt. Jeanette Mothiba a "chimpanzee", police commissioner Jackie ("Jackboot") Selebi was involved in another fracas with a member of the police force which he heads. He ordered  Sgt. Julian July Mabelane from the Letlhabile police station near Brits to come to Pretoria during working hours. Sgt Mabelane drove to Pretoria in a police vehicle, expecting to hear that he was promoted. He waited for three hours before being called in by Selebi.
Selebi then told Mabelane that he "should keep quiet and only listen", would be given a "yellow card" and sacked if he does not aplogise to Selebi's uncle regarding a matter of alleged theft of mealie cobs three years earlier at Rietgat, near Brits. Selebi's uncle Andries Selebi was accused of stealing mealie cobs belonging to Mothiba's father, which Andries Selebi subsequently returned after he was confronted.
Mothiba laid a complaint of intimidation against  Jackie Selebi at the Pretoria Central police station. The uncle refused to accept Mothiba's apology.
The police watchdog body, the Independent Complaints Directorate (ICD) reported in Feb 2000 that they found evidence that Selebi intimidated the policeman, leading to the complainant to "fear for the security of his livelihood". It recommended that the matter be referred to the national director for public prosecutions.
The National Director for Public Prosecutions, Bulelani Nguka, announced in February 2000 that he had decided not to prosecute Selebi on charges of intimidation.

CORRUPTION BUSTER

Ivan Maswanganye was appointed in March 2000 by premier Ndaweni ("Mr Lies") Mahlangu as a Deputy Director-General in Mpumalanga's treasury department to spearhead the province's campaign against financial corruption, fraud and malpractices.
Maswanganye claimed to be a registered chartered accountant with a Bachelor of Commerce degree from the University of South Africa and a management diploma from the prestigious Harvard Business School in the USA, and had certificates to prove it. His curricumum vitae enabled him to obtain positions such as

• a senior audit manager position at the Price Waterhouse Coopers firm between 1992 and 1995,
• a group financial manager position for a firm identified as SGS South Africa between 1997 and 1998,
• Director of finance administation for the Gauteng provincial government's finance and economic affairs department in 1999 (where he claimed to have recovered over R10-million allegedly stolen by officials), and
• Chief Director for Corporate Services at Statistics SA.

BRING ONLY ONE WIFE

Monogamy was the rule at the annual conference of the Institute of Municipal Treasurers & Accountants which was held in Port Elizabeth during September 1996. Delegates were encouraged to take along their spouses but the invitation was very specific: "One per delegate".

GOVERNMENT BY REMOTE CONTROL

The first week of July 1996 deputy president Thabo Mbeki and four ministers were in Cannes, France. At the same time Minister of Foreign Affairs, Alfred Nzo, whiled away his time flitting from China to Taiwan and then back to Africa for a sojourn in the Cameroon. The next week, President Nelson Mandela was in Britain with at least seven ministers and deputy ministers. Minister Mangosuthu Buthelezi left on a private sojourn to British millionaire John Aspinall's birthday party in Londen. During the third week of July 1996, Deputy President Thabo Mbeki visited Washington DC, USA. He was accompanied by no less than 12 ministers and deputy ministers. No major disasters occurred back home during this period in South Africa, and the people, left to govern themselves, were doing a pretty good job of it.

NOUVEAU RICHE

Letter to the "Ms Behaviour" column in the Sunday Times of August 4th, 1996:

Dear Ms Behaviour
I'm having a great life. I don't know what more I can ask for. I'm young, black, beautiful to boot and I have a job that pays an obscene amount of money. I work hard and I play hard.
There is only one problem though: because of the lifestyle I lead, I don't have time to take care of my household necessities.
I find it's necessary to employ domestic help just to make sure my expensive clothes are washed and my health food is cooked properly. I have no problems employing somebody but fear I am betraying all I've stood for all my life.
Should I wash my own closthers and cook my own food?

RIDDLED WITH GUILT, Kelvin.

Dear Riddled with Guilt,
Sigh! God save us all from the black-and-beautiful-but-guilty-tripping brigade. You have the money, you need the service, but you are too politically cheap to buy it. Spare me.
If you are feeling so guilty about this service, why don't you make use of your obviously empty life by hiring somebody and paying them an obscene amount of money?
I don't expect you to pay the person as much as you get paid but I'm certain you can find an obscene enough amount to ease your guilt just a little bit.

NEW ZEALAND'S  PRIME MINISTER FROM OZ

Jim Bolger, Prime Minister of New Zealand, visited South Africa at the start of the All Blacks rugby tour during August 1996. He and president Nelson  Mandela appeared before a press conference. Mandela was asked about the coming general election in New Zealand.
"I do not wish to interfere, but Jim is my friend and if the people of Australia wish to elect him, it is their privilege".
Bolger quietly corrected Mandela, who tried again:
"If the people of New Zealand wish to elect him, I will be glad, but it is a matter for the people of Australia and nobody else..."

PREMATURE SELECTION

Under the interim constitution, the Chief Justice is appointed by the President "in consultation with the Cabinet and after consultation with the Judicial Service Commission". Pres Mandela prematurely publicly announced his choice - Judge Ismail Mahomed - for the post two weeks before the Judiciiall Service Commission had time to interview candidates during 1996. Mahomed is the third most junior of the appeal court judges.
The candidate nominated by 16 of the 18 judges of the Appeal court Bench, plus the full benches of Natal, Transkei, the Cape, Eastern Cape, Free State, and Northern Cape was the second most senior judge HJO van Heerden, who has been an Appeal Court judge since 1980.
Said Krish Govender, national publicity secretary of the National Association of Democratic Lawyers: "The best solution would be for Judge van Heerden to withdraw his name and stand down".
Said Jakes Gerwel, Director-General in the President's office: "The President did nothing unconstitutional".
The Judicial Service Commission eventually came to the rescue by recommending Mahomed for the position. Mandela subsequently appointed him as Chief Justice.

ARRIVING ON TIME

Deputy President Thabo Mbeki, often criticised for either not arriving at events or arriving late, arrived with meticulous punctuality for his keynote address to the ANC Western Cape conference at the Peninsula Technikon in October 1996. However, as he swept into the hall he was not greeted, as might be expected, by boisterous cheering from adoring delegates. The venue was empty, save for a handful of journalists and a few ANC officials, who seemed completely unfazed by developments.
Eventually the congress got under way, a full hour late, following repeated promises over the public address system by outgoing provincial chairperson Chris Nissen that "we are about to begin".

COMMUNICATIONS

Solly Kotane, head of the South African Commmunications Services (SACS), described President Nelson Mandela as "the great architect of the RDP" a week after government had closed the office of the reconstruction and development programme.
He is also the former head of the BBC (Bophuthatswana Broadcasting Corporation), closing down the organisation after working there for three months and okaying his own payment of R500 000.

SELF-HELP

The German government hosted a party on board it's frigate, the Schleswig-Holstein, in Cape Town for hundreds of distinghuished South African guests, including members of Parliament, during October 1996. The German beer was flowing liberally, served in traditional beer mugs with the German and South African flags on them. The chairman of the Joint Standing Committee on Defence, Tony Yengeni, had to be taken deck below because he was ostensibly seasick on a motionless frigate.
Some guests were so taken with the steins, they worked out intricate ways of getting them off the frigate, down the gangplank and past the ambassador. These involved taking off their jackets and using handbags. At least two MP's were spotted doing this.

NEWS TRAVELS SLOWLY

One of the provincial premiers reported of a meeting he held in a rural town during 1996, asking the inhabitants what their greatest wish were. They requested him to please ask for the release of Nelson Mandela from prison on Robben Island.

NO MEAL, NO BRIEFING

A Department in the Mpumalanga provincial government arranged for a local NGO to brief it on a social issue of concern to thousands of citizens. A government official called the NGO and asked whether it was going to foot the bill for lunch after the briefing. The NGO explained that it could complete the briefing well before lunch, and would be satisfied if tea only was served.
Nonetheless, there were more phone calls from the government to ask if the NGO was sure lunch would not be served. After the NGO's staffers confirmed that no lunch was to be provided, they were told the briefing was cancelled. After all, the government official explained, other NGO's always provided lunch for government officials.

A total of 3 970 staff members of the Western Cape government have taken state severance packages, costing a total of R46-million, up to the end of 1996. This created a skills crisis and severly reduced its productivity. Which was adequately demonstrated by the fact that the deputy director of personnel management, Mr Ivan Carolus, was unable to say what percentage of the total staff complement the 3 970 people represented, because he was "too short-handed and have no staff to extract that information".

NICRO national marketing director Rosemary Shapiro took umbrage at the Cape Times when they carried the names of the winners of a nation-wide prison art competition organised by Nicro.
The report began: "A car hijacker, a murderer and a car thief walked away with the top awards last night..."
According to Shapiro, the murderer, Thabo Khuluse, was not a murderer, he had merely killed after being provoked by some youths.
The fact that the prisoner in question had been sentenced to prison after being found guilty of murder by the courts of the land was not the point, she said, adding that the Cape Times' "labelling" of the man in question and his prize-winning colleagues in terms of crimes they committed did the Nicro cause no good.

THE LESSER CRIME

Rumours circulating in Gauteng that a bodyguard of Judy Sexwale, wife of Gauteng premier Tokyo Sexwale was arrested on a charge of rape during 1996. The police came to his rescure to clear up a misunderstanding: they informed the media that the charge was not rape, but murder.
(He was later acquitted on the charge).

ROYAL FLUSH

It was revealed that extensions to the value of R6,6 million were done to the palaces and houses of king Goodwill Zwelithini of Kwazulu-Natal. The improvements included a complete marble bathroom to the value of R3,4 million in Lindizulu, which is used as office for the king's staff. Dr Frank Mdlalose, premier of Kwazulu-Natal, denied having sanctioned the expenses. The salaries of the king and his staff, the maintenance of his palaces and farms and his security is costing taxpayers officially R18 million per year, apart from an official salary paid to the king himself, who does not pay any income tax. The royal legal adviser Sidumo Mahe said "monarchs were historically not required to pay taxes".
It further emerged that 152 policemen were protecting the royal family. The budget of R350 000 for the king's 25 children's school fees had been exceeded by R33 000 "due to an increase in school fees".
The king's spokesman, prince Sifiso Zulu, resigned, accusing the king of no longer granting him an audience. He was accused by some of being "the ANC's direct line to the throne".

THE NAKED TRUTH

Pres Nelson Mandela's secretary at his Cape Town home, Genadendal, Lillian Arrison, entered a photo showing herself totally nude in the porn magazine Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" competition. Her spouse, Stanley, was unaware of the fact that she did so until the picture appeared in print. In the magazine she is identified as a "secretary from the Mother City" who "would like a special person to shower with me and work up soap suds all over my body. Afterwards I want him to rub ice cream on my boobs and belly and lick it off slowly". She was summoned for "a long chat" with Mandela after he was shown the picture and article by members of his staff. After the meeting, she was hastily transferred to the more public precincts of his Tuynhuis office.
Arrison earned R200 for the photo, and a place in the comptition's finals. She said the President's office in Pretoria at first wanted to suspend or fire her. "But I consulted a lawyer and I am happy to be transferred. The President signed the Bill of Rights so there is no way he could fire me for what I did in my own time. It was my constitutional right - why shouln't I?... I believe I am a symbol of the new South Africa. It is all about freedom of expression. People want to see change."
Hustler was sold out in Cape Town within a day of appearing in the bookshops.
In the Hustler of the following month, another picture of Arrison in the nude was published. Her husband filed for a divorce.

ADDRESSING THE PROBLEM

At a meeting with businessmen in Durban during 1996, pres Mandela was asked what the government was doing about crime.
He replied: "We have so far arrested 700 policemen for serious offences".

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