A little satire never hurt anyone

U.S. Grade A politician Help Us Choose a Nickname for Trent Lott

Someone this white needs more color

The head of the U.S. Senate, and arguably the whitest man in America, Trent Lott has been skating his responsibilities to the American people lately. Not because of any well-placed vote or lack thereof, but because he's been avoiding getting attached to a nickname we can all be proud if. Millennium 101 plans to change that, with your help.

The table below provides information to help you better understand Senator Lott. There are quotes and actions performed over the last year that undoubtably let the American people know where he stands, and we've got most of them. In each instance, Millennium 101 provides a "suggested" nickname, depending on the circumstance(s). Please take the time to fill in the form at the bottom of the page with your favorite nickname for our senatorial leader.

Lott's Words or DeedsAmericans Most EffectedSuggested Nickname(s)
April, 1998
"Get off your wallets. . ."
Lott's warning to the insurance industry to provide more political donations if they want the Republican Party to stick their necks out on the healthcare issue.
Every American
Whether you have insurance or not, more money in donation coffers means increased premiums to the insured, because the insurance industry will keep their $.26 on the dollar profit margin before passing savings onto their customers.
Trent "Scratch My Back..." Lott

Trent "$Show me the money$" Lott

Trent "I'm richer than you" Lott

Trent "Get Your Own Insurance" Lott

July and August 1998
Stalling the original tobacco bill, and voting against tobacco regulation
1,000 people dead each day from tobacco-related issues.
Evidence that tobacco kills has been readily available since the early seventies. Doesn't this guy read? Or does he care?
Trent "The Butcher" Lott

Trent "Black Lung" Lott

Trent "I Want to be Like Milosovic" Lott

December 1998
Gannett News Service announces Lott is a member of the Council for Conservative Citizens
Every American that feels all people are created equal.
The CCC believes Martin Luther King is a communist. Enough said?
Trent "Lilly White" Lott

Trent "Get Over Here, Boy" Lott

Trent "Seig Heil" Lott

February 1999
Votes to impeach the President over the Lewinski affair
All registered voters and their children
By first endorsing cigarrette smoking as an acceptable way to kill Americans, and then denouncing the President for an extra-marital affair, he paints a clear picture of his motives: U.S. lives for profit OK; Sex for fun, Bad.
Also, the hidden agenda -- if the GOP wants someone out, they'll spend whatever they want to try to make it happen, no matter how good a person's record is.
Trent "I Wanted One Too" Lott

Trent "Starr Stuck" Lott

June 1999
Stalled vote to appoint Richard Holbrooke as U.N. Ambassador
Lott's quote: "Homosexuality is a sickness, like kleptomania and alcoholism. . .They need help. . ."
Any American that feels sexual preference has little effect on job performance, or agrees with professional psychologists that sexual preference is just that -- a preference.Trent "I'm Decidedly Not Gay" Lott

Trent "Hide the KY Jelly" Lott

Trent "Take me Jesse" Lott

August 1999
Radio speech that tries to convince America that a tax bill that spends proposed budget surpluses (we don't have yet) is a good financial move despite urging from "Fed" Chairman Alan Greenspan that the money he's proposing to spend doesn't exist yet, and that a more conservative tax cut would be appropriate at this time.
Every American
Negatively for:
  • Baby Boomers relying on Social Security and Medicare
  • Middle class, two family incomes that carry the weight of the U.S. tax burden
Positively for:
  • Upper-middle class
  • Wealthy Americans and corporations
Here's why: Proposed percentages of tax cuts will provide only a small amount of cash back to middle-class Americans, while the same percentages will provide windfalls to the wealthy, including businesses. A likely result: A repeat of the "capital gains" tax nightmare of the '80's that put millions of Americans out of work and threw our national debt into the trillions.
Trent "It's an election year" Lott

Trent "Shut Up Greenspan" Lott

Trent "It's not my money, it's yours" Lott

Trent "Better get some insurance" Lott

Trent "My rich friends love me" Lott


It's Your Turn

Click HERE to enter your own favorite nickname suggestion. (NOTE: The form requires a browser with Javascript.) Remember to check back soon; the most popular nicknames will be displayed in the near future.


Related stories:

The Devil Inside
The New Tobacco War (Prostitution Politicos)
Whose Writing the Checks
Is Kenneth Starr Worth It?


More satire:

Advice for Young Doctors
G.O.P. Gray Matter
Pope Gear Rocks America


Let's Get Crazy | I Want Some Sex | Political Me

Copyright © June 1999 by Mark Morton. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in any form without contract or permission, but is for sale. Contact Mark Morton if you wish to publish this story in your magazine or short story compilation.

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About the Capital Gains Nightmare of the '80's

President Reagan introduced a tax plan in the early '80's that many experts dubbed "voodoo economics" because it proposed enormous tax cuts to corporations, reducing the tax burden from 50 down to 15 per cent. Financial experts disagreed with the plan across the board, because it was the equivalent of giving away billions of tax dollars necessary for running the country. Reagan's plan was simple: if we give corporations more money to work with, they'll grow even larger, and this growth will create more jobs, and even more tax income. The very definition of "trickle-down" politics also called "supply-side economics." The problem with his plan is that it didn't account for a critical human character trait: Greed.

What happened next

Corporations across America instantly had millions -- and in some cases, billions of dollars at their disposal. So they started spending it -- by buying up smaller businesses and merging with others. Millionaires were literally created overnight with these deals. In the news, these mergers made it seem like Reagan's plan was a godsend, that Americans were becoming wealthier across the board. Want proof? Just look at all the new millionaires in our land of opportunity. Less than a year after the tax plan was introduced, working Americans started paying the real price for it.

Reality sets in

The new business paradigm for the '80's: Fire your employees to make more money. When businesses merged or bought out others, they fired lots of people -- partly to keep the executives wealthy, partly because the deals often happened so fast, no real financial planning was involved (in other words, poor management). The larger and richer the merger/buyout, the more people that were fired. The greatest side effect of the "voodoo economics" plan was the millions of Americans left without employment when these corporations started spending their newfound windfalls. This placed an enormous burden on federal and state welfare and unemployment plans as they scrambled to pick up the pieces. Ironically, Reagan's plan also cut state funding and eliminated many programs for the poor. In the end, America was left with a trillion-dollar deficit and the highest unemployment rate since the forties, over 10%. This also created the beginning of the homeless problem that still plagues America; a problem that Reagan's plan exacerbated, and most GOP members continue to ignore.

The Big Picture

It's the late 1990's, over 15 years since the capital gains nightmare first started. It took President Clinton 2 terms and numerous battles with a GOP-run Congress and Senate to get our debt under control to the point in which we finally have a projected surplus. The GOP wants to spend it, thereby ignoring the lessons we learned from the past.