PLACES IN THE HART

This page is dedicated to the Two most inspirational men in my life (MY SONS) who I love with all my heart and soul. I live each day to see them grow. For them, I would do anything.

ON THESE PAGES YOU WILL FIND

Poems and stories line after line Filled with tears,sorrow and pain Also with laughter and happiness again

They come from my journey From darkness to light Which brought me to this spiritual light.

My journey was long and is not over yet. Read on and see just what, In life's journeys I have met

You will also find sites to show How I have made it to this spiritual glow I hope in someway one will touch your heart And make you smile no matter where you are.

In the darkness or in the light Here is a place for new insight.

I started writing about 5 years ago. My journal is called "Coming from the darkness into the light." My writing has given me insight into who Connie really is. I was always someone’s daughter, sister, wife or mom. But I never really knew who Connie was.

After my divorce I went to work. I became a Police Dispatcher. I never realized how much I enjoyed helping others.

There is no award or praise that means more than the person on the other end of the phone saying thank you for being here.

There are outsiders, that really don't understand this feeling. We are not here for the money, awards or praise. We are here to help those in need.

Well at least I am.

Since March 14,1999, I decided to give back what I have learned. I have joined a Critical Incident Stress Management Team (CISM). What I didn't realize was that, it would give me more,insight into who I am and what I am really all about.

Sure we can blame who and what we are on many things but taking control of who we are now is what is important. I always felt that needing someone or leaning on someone meant that I was weak. Well, I have learned that trusting and loving is what life is all about. Not trying to do it all alone. There are people out there that like and love me for who I am. Not what they want me to be.

Sometimes my days are long and very hard to deal with the calls I receive, but I find myself enjoying the need to help others. Yes we all can get caught up in the red tape and worry who is going to yell next.

Then I remember why I am there, For the voice on the other end of the phone.

SURVIVING PTSD

CLICK HERE FOR MY STORY!

THE POETRY ON THIS PAGE ARE WORDS WRITTEN FROM THE HEART OF ALL OF THOSE WHO GIVE THEIR ALL FOR US! CLICK HERE FOR POETRY WRITTEN BY EMERGENCY SERVICES PERSONEL

THE GREATEST GIFT By Connie Elaine Hartman

The Love that I felt in my heart, It seems was there right from the start, Your first flutter, to your first step. There are so many things I cherish.

The greatest sound I have ever heard, Was the sound of my baby's laughter. The sound of your voice, From your first cry, To your first words, Has filled my heart with so much joy, These are feelings I have never felt before.

One of God's greatest gifts, Is a child's smile. It will warm you heart And cleanse your soul.

Even when we are apart, My love for you will never fade. My love for you is so strong, It will last through this life and beyond. I know, I must have done something wonderful For God to have chosen, you for me.

I can spend the rest of my life, Hearing you say, "Mommy I love you!"

This site is an Official Member of The Lost Child Emergency Broadcast System Member 0793

CLICK IMAGE TO SEE MEMORIAL PAGE
In our line of work our worst nightmare is losing one of our own.

We all have things in our lives we must overcome. Mine was domestic violence. I have learned that I did not deserve the abuse. I too like many other women felt I deserved the abuse. I guess I am lucky, I survived the pysical and verbal abuse. But it did succeed to ruin my self confidence. I fell into the, I am not worth the trouble syndrome. I now know, I am worth being loved and cared for.

I have had two failed marriages and a few failed relationships. But, what I have learned through reading and learning about myself, that we keep making the same mistakes over and over. We must break the circle of abuse, by not accepting less than what we deserve.

One thing I have learned and know is that I am worth the trouble and I am worth loving. At 37 yrs old I fell in love for the very first time in my life. First with myself and second with a very wonderful man, who has shown me that I am worth the trouble. He has shown me what it is like to be treated like a lady. I am proud to be called his friend. We started as friends not looking for anything else and well it happened and now we are both happier than we have ever been in our lives.

In my very short life I have overcome many obstacles that would have stopped anyone in their tracks, yet I am still going. For many years I had trouble getting out of bed. But, I have made myself go on. I am a single mother of two wonderful very well adjusted teenagers. I guess you can say I have done a few things right in my life. I have made them sensitive to other's feelings. I refuse to raise men who have no respect for themselves or others.

I have found that telling them the truth when they ask is the way to go. I made a very bad mistake March 31,1996. I decided to end my life. But, after I took the bottle of pills, something told me it was not my time to go. My children are my life and they need me. No it has not been easy to recover from such an ordeal YET I have. I was honest with them and have told them why I did it. At the time I had convinced myself they would be better off without me. Well I am glad I came to my senses. They have a better understanding of how precious life really is. They have also seen that mom is human, and can make mistakes also.

I know in my heart that my children know that even though the night seems so dark and tomorrow seems as though it will never come. They will wait for the dawn before they make any rash decisions.

I feel good in knowing I had a hand in making them, very well adjusted young men that they are. They have had life very hard because their dad is not in their life. I have made them see it is not their fault it is something he must deal with. Being a father is not just making a child it is being there when they fall to kiss the boo boo's and hold them when they cry because they had a disappointment in their lives.

Sometimes I get tired of doing it alone, but when I look at those smiling faces I know I have made the right decision. I have made them love others and treat them as equals. The old saying “Look at how a man treats his mother and it is a good clue how he will treat you.” I do believe that. The respect for women must be learned as they grow up and not when they are grown. Than it is too late.

Life as a single mother is hard yet I would not trade a moment of it for anything in the world. In my search of who Connie is, I have found MOTHER, is a good place to start. There are no words more beautiful than MOM I LOVE YOU and THANK YOU for all you do for me.

COME AND MEET MY FAMILY!

I have made mistakes in my life but who doesn't. That night I wound up in the emergency room, I realized I didn't want to die, I just wanted someone to listen to me. Of course being a dispatcher I had to go for evaluations to prove I was fit to go back to work. Of course, I passed with flying colors because I was ok I just wanted everyone to know I was human too.

I didn't plan to do it, it just happened. I think in our business we find we have no other options. We feel that if we say we are in trouble then our coworkers will think we are weak and not respect us.Instead by doing such an act we make them feel as though they may have done something wrong. At first this really bothered me. I didn't do anything to them. They are not important enough for me to take my life for. But it was never explained to them why someone might do this.

In this last year, I attended a class for CISM training and realized how the people on the other side of the phone must have felt. You can say I was only thinking of me. Some of those people loved me and they were dispatching first aid and medics because I could not come to them and ask for help.

Since the incident I have been given new insight to how they feel. I may not agree, but I do understand. I just hope someday they forgive themselves. There were no words that night that would have helped. I was so alone and scared that I had no where else to turn.

Now that I have educated myself, I realize that there are people out there willing to listen to me and will not judge me for how I feel. We all at one time or another have felt helpless, the only difference now when I do, I go to those who can help. They let me yell, they let me cry, and most of all after I am done explaining how I feel, they validate me.

That is all any of us is looking for validation for the way we are feeling. We deal everyday with horrible traumas but we must find a way to be normal like everyone else.

I find myself now looking at all of those I felt were my friends, realizing they were not my friends and only looking out for themselves. Right now they are putting me through a terrible time. All in the name of

YOU ARE PART OF OUR FAMILY AND WE WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE OK.

What I find funny is I am ok and that what they felt was abnormal behavior was someone being truly happy.

It will be almost 3 years since my department decided I was to happy to be ok. I was going to work and smiling and laughing and enjoying my job. This is the reason they felt I was not ok. Can you honestly say that because someone is happy doing their job and smiles when they go to work, means they are CRAZY? Well I don't see it that way. I have always been up front and honest about the night I tried to commit suicide. I may not have given them the reason why but I know and the people I love know and that is all that matters.

Am I angry? YES I AM!

I am a good dispatcher and I care about the person on the other end of the phone. I also care about my patrolman on the road. That is a quality most dispatchers lack now because of doing the job to long. Most of us that really love our job are not there for the money we are there because we want to helps other.

ANGELS AMONG US!

I am no longer going to be silent. I am going to fight until there is no more injustice in my life or anyone else's. A very dear friend of mine keeps reminding me to have faith in the system. Well I have finally heard him loud and clear. I do have faith in the true American System where all men and women are created equally. In a system where one person has the power to ruin anothers lives is not the true American way.

I have met many friends who have actually fought for our right to be free. So I guess I have to say they are right. The system has to work or what they fought for was in vain. My Mother and Father brought me up to believe that I can do anything I set my mind to. They also brought me up to believe in the system. And also to believe in God. To have faith when all else fails. Well I must admit lately I started to loose faith but because of my family and dear friends I have started to regain my faith in God and the system.

I TRULY DO BELIEVE THAT UNITED WE STAND AND DIVIDED WE FALL.

Those of us united together in faith and love will continue to be ok. Those that are truly EVIL and don't believe will be divided and fall. A good friend told me that when the going is tough the rats are going to jump ship. At the time I truly didn't believe him, but now I have seen the proof first hand. Roland I truly do believe. I believe in me, I know that anything I put my mind to I can do. I may have my times when things get to much for me but I am going to be alright. I know it. Because of friends like you and my family,

I AM GOING TO MAKE IT.

AS GOD AS MY WITNESS THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN TO ANOTHER PERSON AS LONG AS I AM ALIVE!

A TRIBUTE TO ROLAND KANDLE

THE FUTURE BELONGS TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THE BEAUTY OF THEIR DREAMS.

Eleanor Roosevelt

Sign Guestbook View Guestbook
SIGN IN LET ME KNOW YOU WERE HERE

View the Guestbook Archive

I lit a candle on my page for the people in Littleton, Colorado*** HEARTFELT LOVE FOR LITTLETON, COLORADO Hope I never have to post another one

You can email me at BButterfly31499@aol.com

VISIT MY AWARDS PAGE

CLICK HERE FOR SOME VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION ON CRITICAL INCIDENT STRESS

STORIES AND POETRY
<

JOURNAL

WEBRINGS

COME AND VISIT MY FRIENDS

THE MAKING OF A BUTTERFLY

THREE MINUTES IN HELL AN ARTICLE BY A COP FOR COPS

Enter your e-mail address to receive e-mail when this page is updated. Your Internet e-mail address: