**Reminder, this site is political satire. It is not written by Mark Neumann, and certainly not supported by Mark Neumann. Russ Feingold does not endorse this site, or any of the other sites within my page.**
Wednesday, October 14th, 1998:Today my Weenie Tour kicked off to fan-fare that was more subdued than I expected. The only people present at my Weenie Rally on the front lawn of my home were my family, several loyal followers, and people who owed me money. My neighbor, Mr. Landry, stopped by to donate a "can of whoop-ass" provided I continue to set off fireworks from my driveway. I graciously declined his generous offer, and with a few quick goodbyes, I hopped into the Nuemann Weenie Mobile and began my adventure. This is the beginning of the greatest journey of my life. This is a journey that, I'm sure, will end with me winning the Wisconsin Senate race. I have to for the good of our state. If I don't, my wife will leave me.
Thursday, October 15th, 1998:MILWAUKEE: Today I'm the special guest at a White Supremesist's rally. I hope to raise a lot of money so I can keep making commercials supporting my side of the story.. My campaign manager says that if I don't stop making things up people might start to catch on, and then I'll lose the election. I'm not worried, I'm confident I can pull this off. Ever since this road trip started I've had a warm, tingly feeling of Joy. The only thing I can compare it to is the feeling I get when I'm naked in a place I'm not supposed to be naked in.
Friday, October 16th, 1998:MILWAUKEE: Joy has turned into despair. On our way out of town we took a wrong turn, and the Neumann Weenie Mobile is being held captive by a group of gang members. We've been trapped, held at gun point inside our hot dog shaped vehicle, for hours now. Every once in a while one of 'those people' will beat on the side of the car, sending my staff and I into screaming fits. The local authorities were called hours ago, and it doesn't look like they're willing to come to our aid. As day turns to night, I promise that as my first act as Senator, I'll wipe Milwaukee off the face of the Earth, god willing.
Saturday, Oct. 17th, 1998:MILWAUKEE:The gang members gave us their demands hours ago, and now, having delivered, we leave this horrible city. In exchange for our safe passage, I had to exit the vehicle, stand in front of the gathered gang members, and respond to their taunts. I was told to lower my pants, exposing my bare buttocks, and respond to the gang members after they shouted, "Who's ass is that?" "Who's ass is that?" I would then point to my bare buttocks and reply, "Your ass daddy, your ass." Today is a sad day for American politics.
Sunday, Oct. 18th, 1998:BELOIT:Looking out at the majestic Wisconsin treeline by this majestic Wisconsin highway, I can't help but ponder: You know when you have to fart, but you think you might poo your pants too? But you fart anyway, and you cross your fingers, and then lo and behold you poo your britches? Don't you hate it when that happens?
Monday, Oct. 19th, 1998:LA CROSSE:Today I enlisted the services of funny-man Carrot-Top to bring his prop-comedy hilarity to my campaign run. I realized after the events in Milwaukee that the road staff and I could use our own "court jester" to make the days run shorter. We need Carrot-Top to give us purpose once more. He's on the Weenie Mobile right now, and I've wet my pants at least twice!! The man is a genius! The dribble glass gets me every time, and those pop-up snakes in a can?? Priceless!! Not to mention his impression of the Wendy's girl!! "Top" really gives me a chance to forget my shortcomings, and look towards the future. I think we're going to pull this thing off yet! Unfortunately, it will be a sad day if we find the rumors about him to be true, and have to let him go because he's queer. Y'know, "bad" queer, not "strange" queer.
Tuesday, Oct. 20th, 1998EAU CLAIRE:We stopped in at a local K-Mart today to buy me some more underwear. I exhausted all my funds in La Crosse paying Carrot-Top to join the tour, so my campaign manager had to lend me some "dough". I got a pair of "BVD" briefs, not "Fruit of the Loom". I don't like what that brand is trying to say. "Top" and I had a little dispute in the Shampoo aisle when I mentioned that I was only a senate candidate, and not a talent manager like I had said when I "signed" him to be on the tour. He proceeded to get rowdy, demanding to be let out of his contract, stating that he would never work political campaigns for "losers". When I asked him just who the loser in this whole thing was, he threw a punch at me. I grabbed his fist, and began to hit him with it, saying, "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" Top then reached behind him, got a big bottle of Head and Shoulders, and squirted me in the eyes. The pain was so great that I passed out, and when I came to, I was in the Weenie Mobile, and "Top" was gone. He'll never work in this town again.
Wednesday, Oct. 21st, 1998ELK HORN:First, let me being by saying that Todd was a hero. He was our best and brightest, and I'm sure that if he would have been conscious at the time, he would have gladly given his life to save us all. It all began with a terrible mistake. One of the staffers took the batteries from our global tracking device to use for his "Slingo" game, leaving us blind in the inky Northern Wisconsin wilderness. We drove for hours and hours, bickering amongst each other until our driver snapped and went into a catatonic fit. As he just sat there, blank eyed and drooling, the Weenie mobile sped on. Okay, I admit it, we all just froze! We all just froze dammit! The Weenie mobile lunged over an embankment, and tumbled end over end into a vast grotto. After what seemed like days, I regained consciousness and found my team wandering in circles around the Weenie Mobile, lost without a leader. With our phones down, and no radio to summon help with, we were utterly lost in the wilderness. Putting my keenly honed mathematical skills to the test, I estimated our location to be somewhere in Canada, close to the Northwest territory. We must have been thousands of miles away from anything that resembled civilization! Our situation was desperate. The first order of business was to begin to save urine in Fresca cans, for we were left with no water. Our second order of business was savaging for food. Unfortunately, we found out later that because we had stockpiled vast amounts of our urine, our pungent human scent had frightened off all animals, cutting us off from any viable food source. A sad reality dawned on the group: Much like the Donner party, if we were to survive, we would have to resort to cannibalism. Because we were running a campaign for senate, deciding just who would be eaten would have to be a democratic process. The only exception was, that because I was the candidate I could not "play the hero". Out of the 9 of us, there was a 6 way tie for second, almost every member of the group receiving one vote. Todd, my head aide, was the winner with 2 votes. After examining the handwriting on each handwritten ballot, I discovered that the voting had followed a Hierarchy of the campaign in reverse. Each person had voted for the person immediately below them title-wise, and that because I was the candidate, and thus could not be eaten, it created the situation where, inevitably, two people had to vote for Todd, the one man who couldn't vote for someone else. I won't go into the horrific detail of what it was like to have to tear one of my most valuable staffers limb from limb, listening to him moan and call out my name over and over in his semi-conscious state. Our bellies full of "nutritious Todd" we had the energy to climb the steep ravine that had been our Goliath. At the top we found that we were only yards away from Bob and Katie's Brat Hut, in scenic, Elk Horn Wisconsin.
Friday, October 23rd, 1998GREEN BAY:I apologize for there being no road journal yesterday. The Todd meal that my staff and I indulged in didn't sit right, and we spent a great deal of our time in the Elk Horn hospital. I was made to drink 3 liters of laxative to flush out my system, and it seems that Todd was somehow diseased. We all had to endure multiple shots and stomach pumps to get the room to stop spinning. There was also the matter of proper monetary compensation for the parents of Todd, who were pretty darned upset that their boy didn't make it out of the woods. We bought them off, and the tour continues. I have a debate tonight against Mr. "Not-so-fein-gold". I am expecting it to run much more smoothly than my last debate, as I have eliminated the townspeople from the equation and have left it to be a good old fashioned fist fight. He hasn't agreed to my terms yet, but he will. Oh yes, he will.
Saturday, October 24th, 1998OSHKOSH:I'm sitting here in my hotel as I write this, drinking my campaign funding away with cheap grocery store vodka. Mr. Feingold matched me hit for hit. (Not literally of course, he never agreed to my fight idea.) I dodged questions, and he answered them directly. I kept talking about Partial birth abortion, and he knew I was using it for shock value. My plan was air-tight! Air-tight!!! Now I have to go to plan B. I heard about a senate race going on in Tennessee, and while I don't think killing Mr. Feingold will work out well in my situation, I am considering changing my middle name to "Low Tax". It's so brilliant, I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner!
Sunday, October 25th, 1998WISCONSIN DELLS:Today I spoke to a pack of 4th graders enjoying themselves at my "Mark's Ark in October" extravaganza. Noah's Ark water park was kind enough to let me use the entire park, and included free use of their water attractions and wave pools in the deal. The kids were delighted. Not only did I secure votes that will come rolling in 8 years from now, but I made some new friends!! Unfortunately, our hard day of water play gave us severe chills and sore throats. I guess 58 degree weather isn't so good for swimming. No matter! Hot chocolate will be our savior!
Monday, October 26th, 1998MADISON: Today my campaign got a little boost from War veteran, ex-senator and ex-presidential Candidate; Bob Dole. After making a short speech, Bob and I headed to the Avenue Bar for a couple of drinks. We got totally smashed, and Bob started giving me some good advice. I'll remember the words he gave me . "When you lose, and trust me, you will, you have to remember that there's always fly fishing. This Russ Feingold is like Clinton. He's a looker. Girls love the good looking ones." Too true, Bob. Too true. Bob and I then drove off, somewhat drunkenly, to Jo Musser's press conference to lend some support for her. I think I made a good impression, even better than Mr. Dole's. When I threw up, I didn't hit any of the press, only a small gathering of the elderly.
Tuesday, October 27th, 1998SUN PRAIRIE:The small suburb of Madison; Sun Prairie. Just being here makes me feel alive! I feel like I can do anything in this little town. Old people, however, are in abundance. They are frightened by me, and I don't really know why. It couldn't have been because of the puking incident of yesterday; I made sure that the tapes that were made of that act were destroyed. I digress. This town loves their football, so I decided that as a popular senate candidate, I would throw out the first pass in the high school game tonight. Alas, they do not follow in the tradition of baseball, and I was denied at the gate. Determined to get on the field to campaign, I climbed the fence, sprinted onto the field sometime around the end of the 1st quarter...and was brutally trampled by both teams as I got in the way. They must have thought I was a referee, my shirt that day my lucky zebra print. Laying in the hospital now with a punctured lung and a cleat spike imbedded in my thigh, I can't help but smile when I think of all the votes that will roll my way because of this.
Wednesday, October 28th, 1998MADISON:I'm still in the hospital, and using my extra time alone to devise new and unique ways to defeat Russ Feingold. I haven't thought of any yet, so I moved on to getting myself a catchy new campaign slogan. "Neumann for Neumann" and "Neumann for Pennies" are big ones with me, but no one else seems to like them. One of the nurses suggested this: "Neumann is a padded-pants wearing, stupid, no-count, booger eating wino." I don't think she took it very seriously at all.
Thursday, October 29th, 1998MIDDLETON: Since the Janesville Gazette, my very own hometown paper, has chosen to shun me and endorse Mr. Feingold, I've decided to do a little campaigning in the place he's called home for many years. I speak of course, of Middleton, Wisconsin. The minute the Weenie Mobile pulled into town I could tell the people were impressed. They shouted things like, "Freak" and "jack-ass" as we drove by, and at one point, we were pelted with eggs! How fun! This town really knows how to make a guy feel welcome! I was really surprised that I would get this kind of reception in Mr. Feingold's own town. I can't wait to see what happens when I get back to Janesville. With only 4 days away unil the big dance, the tour has taken on a more somber note. We've all shared so much on this ride, and we've made friendships that will last a lifetime. I did inform everyone; however, that if I lose they'll never work for me again.
Friday, October 29th, 1998MIDDLETON:With only 3 more days until the tours end, people are really starting to feel depressed. Morale is low, and if I am to win this race, I need to combat it quickly and successfully. One of the staff members suggested a contest they saw on TV on some show called "Seinfeld". Now, I don't watch that much TV, only shows with talking animals or puppets; or better yet, shows with talking animal puppets! (On a side note, my life has been empty since the death of Sheri Lewis. God bless you lambchop!) The contest was to see who could go the longest without gratifying themselves. The only reason I supported such a contest was because I believe that it would improve both the morals and the morale of my staff. I really don't believe anyone should experience sexual gratification without being in holy matrimony and with the intent on producing offspring. Plus, I knew I'd win, because I haven't experienced any gratification in over 17 and a half years. Of course, once I mentioned this, the contest was cancelled.
Saturday, October 30th, 1998JANESVILLE:I returned home this weekend to mark the end of my traveling on the Weenie Tour. For the next 3 days I will be campaigning like mad to win in this Senate race. Today is Halloween, and I dressed up like one of my favorite American heros, Superman. When the kiddies came to my door they screamed at the sight of my soiled "Super-Undies" and to pacify them I had to toss my campiagn literature into their bags before they ran off. My house is the most popular on the block! Once you get past my loud perimeter alarms and attack dogs, it quite a homey place. My buddy Al told me a Halloween story earlier today, and I liked it so much I thought I would share it with you. It's a cloudy, rainy morning. It's cold, and despair hangs heavy in the air. You wake up, expecting all your problems to melt away, and you find, to your horror, that Mark Neumann has been elected to the Senate! Scary huh?
onday, November 2nd, 1998JANESVILLE:I apologize for there being no entry yesterday. When I woke up the morning after Halloween I found all of my Pumpkins smashed against the side of my house, and the words "You Suck" written in feces on my living room picture window! In search of who would committ this horrible atrocity, I found my security tapes the night before...only to find that I had done the deed! It must have been all that Pumpkin punch I drank at my early victory party Halloween night! Well, today is the last entry I will be giving you for my Neumann Tour Journal. Tomorrow is the election, and I can't tell you how important it is. Not only is my house, family and trust fund on the line, but so is my pride. The last time I ran for elected office I was pantsed and left naked on a lampost of Pennslyvania Avenue...and that's when I won! I can't imagine the horrors that could happen to me if I lost! Thank you for all your cards and letters. I don't really understand why cat pee is so aluring a fragrance, but those letters were my favorite! Here's looking at you Wisconsin! Get out there and vote!
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