Bill's Railroad

11 May 1997

Back in Arkansas, a few days after one Christmas, Hillary was working in the study and listening to Chelsea playing with Bill's new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Chelsea say, "All of you sons of #*@!!!-es who want off, get the #@** off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of #*@!!!-es who are getting on, get your #@**es on the train now, because we're getting the #&$$ outta here!"

Hillary went into the living room and calmly told Chelsea, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for a two-hour time-out. When you come down, you may play with your father's train again as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, Hillary was still working in the study when Chelsea came out of her room and resumed playing with Bill's train. The train stopped and Hillary was pleased to hear, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip."

Suddenly, Chelsea's tone changed: "For those of you who are #!**-ed off about the two-hour delay, please see that hypocritical #*@!!! in the study!"

Copyright 1997, Rich Wheeler.
Permission granted for personal and credited broadcast use.

Ashes to Ashes; Lust to Dust

29 April 97

According to drphil@bihs.net, Bond, James Bond, has entered or been implied to have risked reproductive activities 75 times with 55 Bond Girls in his movies -- not counting books, of course. Now, I like to disconnect from reality and escape into an action flick now and then; and I like to see the hero get the girl, too.

But it's so much more uplifting when the action and victory happen within the bounds of decency. If the good guy really is a good guy, wouldn't "goodness" describe his social life as well? That's why my all-time favorite spy flick is True Lies. The hero is not only on our side, but he actually grows closer to his wife and daughter, and we learn a lesson about our own relationships in the process.

Considering the prevalence of STDs, suppose we imposed the laws of probability upon the 007 fantasies? We might get a plot for the Ultimate James Bond Movie....

---

Viruses Are Forever

While weakened by AIDS-related complex, agent 007 must keep a diabolical gang of RIF'ed female agents from executing doomsday plans to detonate an HIV-bomb which, when detonated, will release a global cloud of male-seeking viri into the atmosphere! Arch-victim Tuna Bush (a.k.a. "Dee"), who suffers from uterine cancer caused by Human Papilloma Virus contracted from Bond, James Bond, has nothing to lose as she plots her revenge and destruction.

Using a stolen supply of the new, natural catalyst, Lippogite, Bush's team of neo-feminazis use their superior intellects to modify the normally non-discriminatory, politically incorrect AIDS virus so that it now infects only males. Bond's ability to improvise is stretched to the limits after Bush kidnaps Q and the whole @quot;00@quot; section (except for Ms. Moneypenny, with whom Bond, James Bond, must now team) to stock the gang's cryogenic sperm bank in preparation for the coming post-paternalist world order.

Comic tension rises when, much to his embarrassment, Sir James must infiltrate the gang disguised as lesbian sex therapist Juanita DeHahn. The climax comes in a test of whether Juanita DeHahn is worthy of Tuna "Dee" Bush.

In the tradition of such domestic-partner acting teams as Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger, the film will star Bill Clinton as Bond and Hillary Rodham Clinton as Moneypenny. Also starring will be Ellen Degenerate as the vengeful Bush.

Location filming in Beijing and Jakarta is scheduled to begin no later than March 2000 -- and possibly a lot sooner.

Producers are already planning an entire series of reality-based Bond films, including among the possible titles:

• Sealed For Your Protection,
• The Spy Who Infected Me,
• Licentious to Kill,
• You Only Die Once,
• For Your Veins Only, and
• Only as Directed.
  Copyright 1997, Rich Wheeler.
  Permission granted for personal and credited broadcast use.

"That's part of the continuing saga of Whitewater. . . the never ending fictional conspiracy that honest-to-goodness reminds me of some people's obsession with UFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet some days."

- Hillary Clinton, 4/10/97

A: "Did she say that? That's pretty good."
Q: "Do you agree?"
A: "Well if I didn't, I wouldn't disagree with her in public."

- Bill Clinton at press conference, 4/10/97

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