You're a right-wing, paranoid wacko, if ...

• You play soldier at least once a month with other boys who over-weight by at least 30 pounds and over age 30.

• You know who Helen Chenoweth is and you would vote for her.

• You believe that the ATF has a secret file about you.

• You believe that George Bush was a liberal.

• You believe Newt Gingrich has a pleasant enough personality, but that he is too accommodating.

• You believe the Federal Government is using black "stealth" helicopters to watchdog freedom loving citizens.

• You believe in "county supremacy."

• You believe the Russian Red Army at the invitation of the UN now has armed forces stationed in the United States, i.e., Louisiana, Alaska, South Dakota, upper New York state.

• You think that the only thing wrong with libertarians is that they want too much government.

• You believe home-schooling is superior to public schools.

• Your cellar is well stocked with arms, ammunition, and a 12-month supply of foodstuff.

• You believe we would solve most of our health care problems if people would use chiropractors, herbalists, and faith-healers.

• You believe there is going to be race war in the United States within the next 20 years.

• You believe the only reason we can't confirm the existence of UFOs is because of the government conspiracy.

• Your idea of religion is sending money to a television minister.

• You favorite sport is wrestling and rodeos.

• You have demanded that a local store stop selling Playboy and Penthouse. You get your triple X pornography via UPS.

• You think environmentists are spoilt rich people who have nothing better to do than destroy the jobs of hardworking folk.

• You believe Randy Weaver is a political prisoner.

• You think it is time for the John Birch Society to openly take over the Republican Party.

• If there was a book of the teachings of David Koresh, you would buy it.

• Your kids attend a U.S. Militia Association summer camp.

• You smile when you hear a report that someone has attempted to assassinate the President.

• You believe government workers, except members of the military, are lazy leeches.

• You would vote for Oliver North.

• You believe the Klan and the skinheads have some good ideas, but you hate their fashions.

• You believe Jesse Helms is a statesman of the first order.

• You believe law enforcement should be privatized, e.g., use bounty hunters instead of detectives.

• You have donated money to build a Victim's Shrine at Waco.

• You believe the UN is creating a one world government.

• You believe General Eisenhower was a conscious agent of the Communist conspiracy and that he had General Patton murdered.

• You think the Republican Party is okay as long as the rich people fund it, and the Westerners and Southerners run it.

• You are considering moving to another English-speaking, nearly all-white country.

• You believe Mexico is plotting to take over the American West through the systematic use of insurgents and by forming alliance with Indian tribes.

• You believe the National Park Service is a bloated bureaucracy that likes animals more than people.

• You believe that Vietnam still holds at least 500 American servicemen prisoners.

• You believe it is dangerous to let anyone in Washington control water rights (remember what they did to the Potomac).

• You believe the 700 Club TV program is the most accurate news source on television.

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