Q. Why is Cheltenham so named?

A. Most historical fools will have you believe that it is something to do with THE RIVER CHELT, OR SOME ROMAN BASE CAMP OR SOMETHING - do not believe them. No-one knows why Cheltenham is called Cheltenham, least of all those PONCEY HISTORY PEOPLE WHO KNOW NOTHING.

Q. Where is Cheltenham?

A. Oh, God, here we go. Ever since the Romans decided to set up camp in our area (bugger, what a giveaway), NO-ONE HAS BEEN QUITE SURE EXACTLY WHERE TO 'PLACE' IT. WHSmith Retail places it in the 'Wales' region, despite the fact that it sits AS FAR OUTSIDE WALES AS BIRMINGHAM, whilst most people would describe it as being in THE MIDLANDS despite it being just on the edge of THE SOUTH-WEST. Basically, get a map out and look for the River Severn. Found it? Right, pretend you're a little boat chugging your way along the river. CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA. Keep going, and then imagine your little boat can turn into a car - BRRRM! Go a bit further. There it is! WHAT DO YOU MEAN PATRONISING?

Q. What else is Cheltenham famous for?

A. Ooh, lots of things!

Being half of the Cheltenham & Gloucester - "We're run to make you richer," they say, as proved by their handing out loads of windfall payments upon their change from a building society to a bank. Two months after I'd cancelled my account with them. Officially the worst adverts on TV - if I wanted to see near-naked young boys immersed in liquid, I'd go round Marc Almond's house.

Having top quality BBC sitcom Next Of Kin filmed in it - Got a second series, despite having a laugh quotient of one per three episodes. I once saw the whole thing happening as I walked down the road to college, but it was only when Penelope Keith turned to look at me that I realised they were waiting for me to piss off and stop staring so they could start filming.

Having top quality BBC sitcom Butterflies filmed in it - Cue lots of people my age to say, "Ah, yes, you know that road? They filmed Butterflies down there." and our parents to nod wisely, despite none of us quite knowing what Butterflies actually was.

Having top spy-centre GCHQ shoved in the middle of it - thereby, as my ex-girlfriend kept cheerfully reminding me, making sure that in the event of a third world war, WE WILL BE THE FIRST TO GO. Unless, of course, we can convince the world that GCHQ is not a spystation. My tip is, paint the spy dishes black, and passing satellites will think they're just giant pizza pans. Fundamentally flawed, I THINK NOT.

Having "the only convex crescent in the world" in the shape of Lansdown Crescent. If you can find anything funny to say about that, you're a better man than I. And rhyming 'convex' with 'sex' doesn't count.

Q. Why is it necessary to have an old man playing the harmonica outside Cavendish House?

A. This is a tradition which dates back many centuries, to the time BEFORE PEOPLE REALISED THAT THE HARMONICA IS SHIT. It is suspected that when Queen Elizabeth I visited the town in 1654, she ordered that the bustling market, then known as 'Cavendish stable' should be "a place whereth much harmony shall reign". Unfortunately, the inevitable happened, and some OLD BASTARD misheard, whipped out THE WORST INSTRUMENT IN THE WORLD, started tapping his feet and whooping, and history was born.

Q. Who built the Wishing Fish Clock, and why?

A. Whereas the people who work within the "Regent Arcade Shopping Experience" will probably inform you that it was built by NUMEROUS LITTLE PIXIES WORKING DAY AND NIGHT, FILLING IT WITH MAGIC AND FAIRIES, it was in fact built by one Kit Williams, 'famous' for making a big clock AND THAT'S IT. It's only purpose seems to be to make everyone tired of hearing 'I'M FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES' - indeed, the person who views the song with the sweetest irony is the man inside the fish who has the unfortunate task of CREATING ENOUGH SPIT TO MANAGE 200 BUBBLES EVERY HALF HOUR. Jumping up and catching a bubble will grant you a wish, although unless every small child's wish is to fall over and cry a lot, SOMETHING HAS GONE HORRIBLY WRONG.

Q. What is the best kept secret in Cheltenham?

A. It's the Gloucester Suite, perfect for business functions, or just as a treat for family or friends.

Got any more questions or answers? Or both? Or none? E-mail me!