Is this the Future of Cable Television?

The term "Information Superhighway" has been a hot topic of the media, as well as the politicians in Washington. Within a few years, we will have a choice of 500 television channels. While this may be a dream come true for the die-hard couch potato, cable television programming executives will have to develop new ideas for these channels. Advertisers will need assurance that their products will be seen by the legions of channel surfers.

In an effort to assist with the development of the information superhighway, I would like to present a few ideas for additional channels (because of pending legislation, more cable shopping channels are banned in order to maintain the supply of cubit zirconia rings).

- "The Time and Temperature Channel": Why resign yourself to seeing your local sign just twice a day as you commute to work? After a long day at the office, Enjoy many hours of viewing pleasure with this channel. Become your office's authority on the recent temperature trends.

- "The Coffee Channel": American tastes have come a long way since Mrs. Olsen served Maxwell House to all her guests. We explore the many different types of gourmet coffees available today, and the reasons for their popularity. Spend a day in the life of Juan Valdez, as he hand-picks Columbia's coffee beans. And share experiences with typical Americans who have found that drinking coffee has become a way of life, and not simply a way of getting their crucial caffeine fixation.

- "Spore and Mold Update": What is today's pollen count? What exactly are you cleaning off the bathroom tiles every week, and why does it always return? Contemporary issues such as these presented for the person who will not fungi rule their life!

- "The Parking Channel": After the economy, health care reform and rampant crime, parking represents probably the fastest growing problem facing urban Americans today. The "meter maids" of yesterday have been replaced by a young, dynamic and professional breed of parking control officers. We soon discover it's not the life of glamour and fixed parking tickets that we thought it was. Parking SWAT teams demonstrate many of the tactics these highly trained professionals use in their daily struggle to ensure an available parking space for the average citizen.

- "Health Care Reform News": Similar to CNN Headline News, you can get an update on the latest changes to President and Hillary Clinton's health care reform. Just think of the prospect of waking up in the morning and getting the overnight policy changes. Then tune in during the throughout the day to get up to the minute waffling by President Clinton.

Read the next article.

Return to Dan's Humor Page.