SMASH THE STATE A weekly television series of political satire and commentary Saturday, April 27, 1996 * The Monologue * The Bottom Ten List: "The Bottom Ten 'You Might Be a Red if' Jokes They Are Telling in Russia" * The Official Report * Question Authority * Double Talk: "The Anti-Terrorism Bill is an Anti-Terrorism Bill" _________________________________________________________________ THE MONOLOGUE By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996 (Live from Austin -- where a City Council member said she was unaware she had been indicted for possession of marijuana 26 years ago -- it's Saturday night. And now for something completely dissident, here's Gary!) Thank you. Good evening, this is Smash the State. Welcome to our show. (1) President Clinton signed the Anti-Terrorism Bill into law and said "America will never surrender to terror." Then he returned long-distance phone calls from Yasir Arafat and Nelson Mandela and arranged for another state dinner at the White House for the Irish Republican Army's Gerry Adams. (2) During his visit to Japan, the President became fascinated with sumo wrestling. Two really fat guys in a ring, pushing and shoving each other in front of a screaming audience? It probably reminded him of himself and Newt Gingrich. _________________________________________________________________ THE BOTTOM TEN LIST "The Bottom Ten 'You Might Be a Red if' Jokes They Are Telling in Russia" By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996 Ladies and gentlemen, I hold in my hand this week's Bottom Ten List. From the state headquarters on Cesar Chavez Street, the category is the Bottom Ten "You Might Be a Red if" Jokes They Are Telling in Russia. Communism is making a come back. Old Communists are back in control in many Eastern European countries. The Communist Party may take over Russia again, this time by winning the Presidential election. That's just the excuse Smash the State need for this lame rip-off of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if" routine. Here are the Bottom Ten "You Might Be a Red if" Jokes They Are Telling in Russia. Minus 10, You cannot get that Beatles tune "Back in the U.S.S.R." out of your head. Minus 9, Gray is your favorite color. Minus 8, You are always saying "We have too many elections." Minus 7, You are so tired of long distance phone companies competing for your business, you wish long distance service were an overpriced monopoly again. Minus 6, You miss all those lovely statues of Marx, Lenin, and Stalin. Minus 5, You point out that communism has a holiday, May Day. But capitalism has no holiday. Minus 4, You still drive a Yugo. Minus 3, When you vote for President of Russia, you write in Fidel Castro. Minus 2, You wish the Politburo would be just like the Austin, Texas, City Council. And the Minus 1 "You might be a Red if' joke they are telling in Russia, You refer to standing in long lines, shopping in stores with empty shelves, and living in fear of the secret police as "the good old days." Eat you heart out, Yakov Smirnov. We have a great show for you. There is more to come. If this be treason, make the most of it. _________________________________________________________________ "The possession of unlimited power will make a despot of almost any man. There is a possible Nero in the gentlest human creature that walks." -- Thomas Bailey Aldrich _________________________________________________________________ THE OFFICIAL REPORT By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996 This is the Official Report. The stories you are about to hear are true. THE STATE OF THE WORLD (1) Ninety newlywed couples had to give up their rooms at a hotel in South Korea to make way for a summit with President Clinton and South Korean officials. "President Clinton's visit was made in rush so we had to say sorry to those honeymooners," said the Shilla Hotel's public relations executive, Kwon Young. "We sent them flowers and fruit baskets to say sorry." Mr. and Mrs. Clinton did not stay overnight at the luxury resort. They had use of the Royal Suite during their nine-hour stopover on the island. (2) A prominent businessman in the nation of Myanmar was arrested for possession of unauthorized telephone lines and fax machines. James Leander Nichols was arrested when police found a telephone switchboard with nine lines and two fax machines at his house. The military government of Myanmar, also called Burma, limits citizens' access to communications equipment and contact with foreigners. All media is state-controlled. Licenses are required for satellite dishes. And it is illegal to use a fax machine without a permit. (3) A newly-formed restaurant association in Atlantic City is asking New Jersey state regulators for tighter restrictions on the free or low-price meals in the casinos. The president of the Atlantic City Restaurant & Tavern Association, Joseph V. Faldetta, said restaurants cannot compete by selling what casinos give away. "The number of local restaurants has dropped off every year since gaming was introduced," he said. But the Associated Press reported that the owners of the Knife & Fork Inn, Dock's Oyster House and, Angelo's Fairmount Tavern -- three established city restaurants that predate casino gambling -- said the city's food business is suffering because of crime, dirty streets, and the failure of the casinos to promise rooms for conventions. Restaurant owner Angelo Mancuso Jr. laughed at the notion that casinos have hurt. "Did casinos hurt me? Casinos made me!" he said. "I can't compete with a $2.99 turkey dinner. So you know what I do? I don't serve turkey." Casino executives make no apologies for their food policies. The food is not being given away, said Roger Wagner, chairman of the board of the Casino Association of New Jersey. "There's no free lunches. People pay for their lunches through the casino." THE NEW WORLD ORDER (4) The United Nations is mounting a grassroots campaign to improve the environment by founding small "Green Brigades" around the world. The U.N. Environment Program, UNEP, published a book called "Taking Action: An Environmental Guide for You and Your Community" to mark Earth Day. The idea came from a decision of government representatives in UNEP, who in 1992 urged forming the Green Brigades. TO PROTECT AND SERVE (5) The American Civil Liberties Union and other organizations are challenging in court the recently-passed federal ban on "indecent" material on the Internet in the Communications Decency Act. Howard A. Schmidt, a federal agent who investigates computer crimes, testified at the trial in Philadelphia. Schmidt said that, if the law were upheld, he would not prosecute an image on line showing how to put a condom on an erect penis to prevent AIDS. But he would prosecute the Vanity Fair magazine cover photograph of the actress Demi Moore, nude and pregnant. He said that was "for fun, not education." (6) No criminal charges will be filed against the Jamaican police officers who mistakenly shot at a boat carrying Jimmy Buffett and Bono. No one was hurt in the shooting when the officers mistook the singers for drug traffickers as they landed in a seaplane and boarded the boat. Buffett, known for his laid-back tunes of life in the tropics, including the hit "Margaritaville," was visiting the Caribbean island with Bono of the rock band U2. Police have apologized for the shooting and Buffett has written a song about the experience entitled "Jamaica Mistaka." YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK (7) Tax Freedom Day this year is May 7th, one day later than last year. This means that to earn the money to pay taxes at all levels of government, the typical American will work from January 1 to May 7 and only after that will the typical taxpayer begin to pocket income for personal use. The Tax Foundation, a private organization, said Americans will work 128 days this year to pay their federal, state, and local taxes, a record. READ MY LIPS (8) Finally, the quotation of the week. As he was inducted into the National Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame, Dom Imus said, "I see the President and the First Lady are not here, probably somewhere testifying." And that's the Official Report, where you hear it's farce. _________________________________________________________________ QUESTION AUTHORITY By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996 Are you tired of those phony advice columns? Here is the help you need. Question Authority! (1) Dear Mr. Authority: I would like to make a financial contribution to a candidate for President. How should I decide which candidate to give to? -- Signed, Big, Fat Cat Idiot. Dear Big: Let the Federal Election Commission decide which Presidential candidate to support with your money. Check off the "yes" box for the Presidential Campaign Fund on your federal income tax return, even though checking the "no" box will not reduce your tax burden. Millions of tax dollars subsidize government-approved candidates and the national political conventions of the two major parties. Since fewer Americans check "yes" each year, your positive check off is desperately needed. (2) Dear Mr. Authority: Congress is a disgrace but my Congressman is doing a good job. What can I do to help get him re-elected? -- Signed, Semi-Conscious Citizen Dear Semi: You are already doing something by paying your taxes. Members of Congress running for re-election spend your tax dollars to send self-serving "newsletters" to their consituents, filled with numerous mentions of the politician by name and flattering photographs, and to mail out useless "questionnaires" with loaded questions. Also, mass mailings of invitations to self-promoting "town hall meetings" that no one attends build up name recognition. Support your local Congressman, pay your taxes. (3) Dear Mr. Authority: I hear that our nation's capital, Washington, D.C., is bankrupt. What are Mayor Marion Barry and other leaders doing to balance the books? -- Signed, D.C. Lover Dear D.: The city of Washington's top priority is to fine homeowners who do not rake the leaves from the public space in front of their homes. Revenue from the unraked-leaves fines and from parking tickets should go a long way toward wiping out the district's $379 million deficit. Otherwise, the Mayor blames "District Bashers" for the financial crisis. "Negative, biased publicity has cost D.C. more jobs and destroyed more economic- development possiblities than any other single force," he says. If you want to know what to do, question Authority. _________________________________________________________________ DOUBLE TALK "The Anti-Terrorism Bill is an Anti-Terrorism Bill" By Gary Johnson, Smash the State, April 27, 1996 (ON THE LEFT) Gary, the Anti-Terrorism Bill is an anti-terrorism bill. You can judge this bill by its title. President Clinton deserves our thanks for signing this bill. Only the right-wing fringe was against it. Your friends in the National Rifle Association ought to be ashamed of themselves. You can always count on us liberals to protect and defend civil liberties. So you can be sure that, because the Democrats supported this bill, it was a narrow, carefully-defined law necessary to fight terrorism. The provisions to let the President put foreign organizations on a list of terrorists and to stop foreigners from raising money were in response to the Oklahoma City bombing. How could any freedom-loving person be against a law called the Anti-Terrorism Bill? You're not for terrorism, are you? (ON THE RIGHT) Gary, the Anti-Terrorism Bill is an anti-terrorism bill. You can judge this bill by its title. The Republican Congress deserves our thanks for passing this bill. Only the left-wing fringe opposed it. Your friends in the American Civil Liberties Union ought to be ashamed of themselves. You can always count on us conservatives to resist giving the federal government too much power. So you can be sure that, because the Republicans supported this bill, it was a narrow, carefully-defined law necessary to fight terrorism. The provisions to limit death penalty appeals and to deport aliens without a trial were in response to the Oklahoma City bombing. How could any freedom-loving person be against a law called the Anti-Terrorism Bill? You're not for terrorism, are you? (ON THE LEFT) Gary, you hatemongering, racist, Nazi, fascist, Neanderthal pig. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong reasons. This bill was watered down. Work needs to start immediately on a tougher anti-terrorism bill. The reason the government wants new power to wiretap more telephones and to use the military for domestic law enforcment is to fight terrorism. But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative. (ON THE RIGHT) Gary, you godless, Communist, bleeding heart, weirdo pervert. You have reached the right conclusions but for all the wrong reasons. This bill was watered down. Work needs to start immediately on a tougher anti-terrorism bill. The reason the government wants new power to wiretap more telephones and to use the military for domestic law enforcment is to fight terrorism. But since our two sides agree, there must be no alternative. _________________________________________________________________ That concludes this episode of Smash the State for Saturday, Date, April 27, a date which will live in infamy. Good-bye, everybody. Thank you for joining us. The revolution will be televised. _________________________________________________________________