Yeast. Little attention has ever been paid to this particular cooking ingredient. We all know yeast as the harmless force that causes our bread to rise and beer to ferment. Today, however, it seems our lack of interest may lead to the downfall of civilization as we know it.

Shock and terror swept the world today as a Canadian news broadcast announced the beginning of a massive yeast uprising.

KNUK News, Toronto 12:00 EDT

"This is bizarre, eh? I've never seen anything like it! It's like they can think, eh? Yeast, they're everywhere... breaking out of stores, and flying away! I never thought yeast could fly, eh?"

Yeast did fly. Every yeast in Canada flew straight into the United States, seeming to know that their new-found telekinetic powers would be wasted on the Canadian "government" and populace.

Chuck Pretzel, a fungal specialist from New Jersey, claims to have an explanation for today's disastrous events.

"Yeast are a species of living fungi. I've been studying some specimens under high zeta radiation for quite some time now, and have observed some very unusual mutations. In certain radioactive conditions yeast actually reproduce, and evolve, very rapidly. Yeast are far more complex than anyone realizes. I think that radiation from ketchup flavor potato chips in Canada building up in landfills has caused yeast in those landfills to evolve into a race of sentient fungi. It's incr...."

Dr. Pretzel's boring explanation goes on and on, but suffice it to say that a new breed of yeast has evolved in Canada. These "super-yeast" possess telekinetic powers, much like Superman. They quickly became bored with Canada, so the infection spread to the United States. All across the nation billions of yeast terrorists have wrecked bakeries and breweries in an aggressive campaign against the slavery and torture of yeast.

As yeast wreck havoc upon major cities in this country, citizens wisely turn to television for answers. Jerry Springer, our most trusted television mediator gives us his thoughts on the matter:

"In this world of chaos and turmoil we must learn to live with and accept our brothers for who they are. Sometimes the task is very difficult, but we are a strong nation... not like those stupid Canadians. If these yeast are violent now it it only because they are misunderstood. Try talking to your yeast neighbors..."

And of course comedian Chris Rock has something to say about it:

"Now, we don't be seein' no yeast invasion in da hood. When a brotha in da hood see a damn flying yeast comin' down the road shootin green beams that be wreckin his crib... a brotha gonna pull his .45 and blow that sucka's face off."

But scientists believe there is a different reason why yeast lack interest in the "hood." Very little pseudoephidrine hydrochloride can be found there, and a major goal of the yeast invasion force seems to be to collect as much of this chemical as possible. As every loyal Canadian knows, pseudoephidrine hydrochloride is a vital ingredient in the artificial flavoring of ketchup flavor potato chips.

The new "super-yeast" require energy from ketchup flavor potato chips to survive. Only a limited amount of these bitter chips exist in Canada, so the yeast have demanded immediate production of ketchup chips in the United States, and in other countries around the world. World leaders laugh at the notion, and are not about to trash national pride by producing Canadian food in their own countries.

Yeast around the globe fight desperately amongst themselves for the few remaining ketchup chips. Fighting for their own survival, trillions of yeast kill each other with telekinetic death rays and similar supernatural weapons of mass destruction.

Eventually only one yeast is left standing, a small yeast child by the name of Borris. He will be sent to a lab in Switzerland for close study.