A long time ago there was an unusual country far, far away called China. In a past incarnation I was walking through some woods there, when I stepped in some cow manure. Knowing that cows are entertaining, I followed the trail of manure until I found some ugly fat children. Being blind, I didn't realize that they were children, so I offered them some beer. When nature called me on my Motorola cell phone (local calls in nine states!), I went behind a tree to relieve myself. An indigo walrus tapped me on the shoulder. I offered him some beer, which he refused. The Indigo walrus told me that the tree was not a tree at all, but a sick skwurl named Bill Gates. I zipped up, took a step back, and fell off a cliff. It was a good thing I was wearing a kilt because it acted as a parachute and I glided gently to the ground. The ground was very wet, being the Yellow River and all. I was drowning, so I took a chug of beer. Being an apple farmer I was immune to the suffocating effects of water, so I walked along the bottom of the river to the bank. I made a withdrawal of ten dollars to buy another seven-pack of beer and some Juicy Fruit. I gave the gum to the sick skwurl up on the cliff because I felt bad about what I had done to him. He died because trees can't chew gum.