RODSCHER
***
Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!"
Pilot: "A - h - a - g - a - i - i - i - n !"
***
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up
and push back, please."Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative"
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the "good morning"!"
***
Stuttgart ATC: "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "Just like in Frankfurt. The only have 210 and 170 Knots... but we're flexible."
Controller: "So are we: Reduce to 173 knots."
***
Controller: "Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone
without clearance, state your callsign !"Pilot: "I'm not silly..."
***
Controller: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand
to six thousand and maintain."Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Controller: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But I thought four plus six equals ten?"
Controller: "Stop adding, start climbing"
***
Controller: "Japanair 123 confirm you are on course to ARURA?"
Pilot: "Ah, Logel, Logel."
Controller: " No, no, Sir. Not to LOGEL. It is not on your route!"
***
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
***
Pilot: "Santa Monica Tower, be advised that there are
numerous Piegons on short final"Tower: "Roger. They are all on frequency and cleared to land."
***
Pilot: "Cotonou Tower, 5NAAF VFR from Lagos to Cotonou reporting national boundary this time estimate your field at 10:15."
Tower: " Ah, Ah, fife Novemba Affa Affa Foxetott watta you tipe of avion?"
Pilot: "This is a DHCI Chipmunk."
Tower: "....ah, say again."
Pilot: "DHCI Chipmunk . . . . . C H I P M U N K."
Tower: "Aahah...... a shitmonk!"
***
Pilot: " November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to land?"
Tower: "Oh, who is talking?"
Pilot: "Me!"
***
Controller: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn 45 degrees to the right."
Pilot: "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet,
how much noise can we make up here ?"Controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes
when it hits a 727 ?"***
Controller: "CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less"
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."
***
Tower: "N2234, are you a Cessna ?"
Pilot: "No Sir, I'm a male hispanic."
***
Pilot (LH 876): ".....request heading 110 to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what ?"
Pilot (LH 876): "To avoid delay."
***
Pilot: "Bangor Departure, this is Cessna Four Seven Six Fife."
Controller: " Cessna Four Seven Six Fife, Bangor go ahead."
Pilot: "Bangor, I don't seem to be making much progress here.
How is my groundspeed ?"Controller: "Well, allo depends. If you are a hang glider,
you are doing right well."***
Tower: "Alitalia 439, line up and wait runway 23L."
Pilot: "Roger, line up and wait, Alitalia 23L."
***
Controller after Landing of a British Airways - aircraft at Frankfurt:
"Just to let you know: on the approach you were a little left of the centerline."
Pilot: "That is affirmative, Sir.
And my first officer was slightly to the right."***
Controller: "Delta Foxtrott November, turn right and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco, 340, 341, 342, 343, 344, 345, . . . . . . ."
***
Pilot: ". . . . good mornig, Sir, . . . . . . ."
Controller (interrupting):
"Don't call me 'Sir', I have to work for my money!"***
Captain (after a hard landing):
"Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy hour...
You just recived two landings for the price of one."***
Lost student pilot on cross country:
"Unknown airport with a Cessna 150 circling overhead.
Identify yourself, please"***
Pilot: "BAG324, passing 130 for 60...
and we have our little 'Oscar' with us."Controller: "BAG324 , squawk 0411, 'Oscar' correct,
but be aware that will turn into a 'Papa'
in approximately 7 minutes from now."***
A polished DC-3, without color scheme rolls toward take-off position.
Tower: "N147, what kind of polish do you use?"
Pilot: "Speed only, Sir."
***
Pilot: "Frankfurt Information, here Delta Bravo Zulu. We are now above Dinkelsbühl in Flight Level 95."
Tower: "But I told you to call Munich Information !"
Pilot: "Yes I know, but I really prefer your program."
***
Controller: "Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?"
Pilot: "Affirm, but we don't receive it."
Controller: "Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476."
Pilot: "Say again."
Controller: "Squawk 0476."
Pilot: "Four, zero...? "
Controller: "Would you like an easier one?"
***
Helicopter-Instructor (to his student pilot):
"See to it that you stay within the paved area."After a few minutes: "O.k. just stay within the country! "
***
Muenchen II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "We haven't landed yet!."
Tower: "Well then who is sitting on 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "Well o.k. then ... you are cleared for take-off."
***
Tower: "Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi
Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1
and Oscar 2."Pilot: "Where's that at, we don't know our way around here!"
Tower: "That doesn't matter, I'm just on my second day as well."
***
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging by the way you are flying,
you must have lost the whole instrument panel!***
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is WienTower."
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger,
...and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"Pilot: (Nach einer Denkpause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
***
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
***
Me? I've never busted minimums.***
We will be on time, maybe even early.***
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.***
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.***
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.***
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.***
I'm a member of the mile high club.***
I only need glasses for reading.***
I broke out right at minimums.***
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.***
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.***
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.***
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.***
We shipped the part yesterday.***
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.***
All you have to do is follow the book.***
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.***
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.***
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.***
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.***
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.***
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?***
We'll be home by lunchtime.***
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.***
I'm always glad to see the FAA.***
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.***
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?***
I thought YOU took care of that.***
I've got the field in sight.***
I've got the traffic in sight.***
Of course I know where we are.***
I'm SURE the gear was down.***
Curious Stuff
***
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.-- Batman costume warning label, Wal-Mart, 1995.
***
not yet translated from German:
Tower (zu einer SF340 Besatzung):
"Wer ist denn nun schneller, so 'ne Dash 8 oder 'ne Saab?"Pilot: "Die Saab natürlich!"
Tower: "Gut, dann müssen Sie noch warten."
***
Absetzpilot: "Düsseldorf Radar, Guten Tag, D-EFCC,
Deppenwerfen over Meiersberg, request climb to flight level 100."***
Meteorologe vor einem Wetterballon-Aufstieg zur Flugsicherung:
"Wir wollen um 10 Uhr wieder einen fahren lassen."
***
Pilot: "Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light."Lotse: "Ich hoffe, da brennen mehrere."
Pilot: "Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt."
***
Pilot: "Delta Echo Delta Victor Golf, Standort Teerweg 4,
erbitte Platzanweisung für einige Platzrunden."
Turm: "Delta Victor Golf, Platzanweisung gibt's im Kino."***
Pilot: "Information, Delta Kilo November,
kann ich über SULZ und TANGO fliegen?"
Controller: "Delta Kilo November, fliegen Sie weiter nach gutdünken."
Pilot: "Aber ich möchte nach Egelsbach."***
Turm (fragt ergänzend nach dem Flugzeugmuster): "Und was ist Ihr Typ?"
Piot: "Rothaarig."***
Motorseglerpilot (nach seinem Standpunkt gefragt):
"......äh, Hotel Bravo 2107, downhill."***
Tower Controller zu der Besatzung eines Charter-Airliners nach einer etwas harten Landung: "'. . . .ne Landung soll ja kein Geheimnis sein. Die Passagiere sollen ruhig, wissen wenn sie unten sind."
Pilot: "Macht aber nichts, die klatschen trotzdem."
***
Stammtisch-Sprüche
***
Fluglehrer zum Flugschüler: "Du fliegst wie ein Chinesischer Pilot."Schüler: "Warum?"
Fluglehrer: "Wan Wing Lo."
***
"Was ist der Unterschied zwischen dem Papst und einem Piloten ?
"Der Papst glaubt nicht, daß er fliegen kann."***
"Was ist die minimale Besatzung für einen Airbus A320 ?"
"Ein Pilot und ein Hund....."
"Wozu ?"
"Der Pilot hat die Aufgabe den Hund zu füttern und der Hund hat aufzupassen, damit der Pilot nichts anfasst."***
"Worüber sprechen Piloten unter sich im Flugzeug ?"
"Über Frauen."
"Und worüber sprechen Piloten, wenn sie mit Frauen zusammen sind ?"
"Natürlich übers Fliegen."***
"Wozu dient der Propeller an einem Flugzeug ?"
"Zur Kühlung des Piloten! Kannst Du Dir vorstellen wie Warm Du kriegst, wenn er nicht mehr dreht."***
"Was trennt zwei Alkoholiker von zwei Nymphomaninnen?"
"Die Cockpit-Türe!"***
"What is the definition of a non-precision approach ?"
"A blonde on an ILS."***
ABOUT AIRLINES
Was bedeuten die Abkürzungen auf den Flugzeugen?
***
ALITALIA
Always Late In Time, Always Late In Arrival
***
PIA (Pakistan International Airways)
Please Inform Allah
oder
Probably Impossible Arrival***
AI (Air India) Erzfeind der PIA
Allah Informed
***
ELAL (Israel Airlines)
Every Landing Always Late
***
SABENA (Belgien)
Sutch A Bloody Experience Never Again
***
SAS (Scandinavian)Sex After Service
***
SWISSAIRSexy Women In Swissair Service Are Incredbly Rare
***
TAP (Air Portugal)
Take Another Plane
***